DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I came home just in time to see my teenage son's bare bottom going up and down on the sofa. I yelled, "I think it's time for your girlfriend to go home right now," and walked into the kitchen. His father was out there trying to muffle his giggles. We heard the door slam within two minutes and his car start. He didn't come back for the rest of the night. I waited up until 6 a.m. He stayed over at his girlfriend's house where he said they are more "grown up" about these things.
He was furious at us for embarrassing his girlfriend. Today he told us he's thinking of moving into her parents' house, as she has a room in the basement and they're OK with the kids sleeping together. My husband said, "OK, cheaper for us," and I said, "Over my dead body." My kid says he's moving out for sure now on Jan.14. Both kids are 18 and going to university. What can we do? -- Distraught Mother, Winnipeg
Dear Distraught: You can do nothing legally, but there are lots of things you can do to help yourself emotionally. Start planning out loud what you will do with his empty room, so he sees that this move is not working as a threat to you. If he were really upset and moving, he would have had his clothes over there the next day. This smells like a ruse -- an effort to make you bend to his will.
Do you really think the girlfriend's parents want him to move in? They don't want to see their daughter's rebellious boyfriend out in the snow, so they've unhappily agreed to let him move in, but you can bet they would prefer he kept his sexy young body and his loud electronic gear back at your place. By the way, don't let him take stuff out of the house that is not his. If you have been paying for his phone, stop. If he doesn't have a part-time job, he's going to have to get one to pay room and board to his girlfriend's parents. Point that out to him.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went for a big holiday dinner at a friend's house, where they served strange and unusual meats. I didn't know what I was eating and the host didn't tell me until after I ate. I was so horrified I went upstairs and made myself throw up in the washroom. Don't you think the host has an obligation to tell you what you are eating? It kind of looked like it was chicken, but it was something else which I won't reveal. Let's just say, as a child I got a pet at Easter that was this kind of meat. -- Grossed Out and Angry, Tuxedo
Dear Grossed Out: It's extremely bad manners to trick guests into eating meats, or any other kind of food, so hosts can have a chuckle. These are friends you might consider for your "No More Of..." New Year's list for 2014. It may be a few days after the turn of the year, but in this case, it'd be a good time to start anyway.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have noticed my analytical husband carrying around a tiny little book where he makes notes about our sexual activity. He won't let me see the book. I don't know if he's counting how often we do what or rating his reaction to different things. He is a medical researcher and very obsessed about little things. Why doesn't he let me see the book? I can't stop bugging him. -- Itching to See It, Winnipeg
Dear Itching: He has to sleep at night, so look for it when he's conked out. Clearly it's about you, so you have a good reason to go looking and you needn't be embarrassed about playing Sherlock. Warning: You might not like what you see if he's rating your activities. Do you really want to know? Yes you do, curious cat. So go to it.
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