DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I broke my penis having sex. I zigged when I should have zagged, and there was a bend and a popping noise and big pain. I had surgery and got it fixed. The problem is my wife thinks this story is highly entertaining and has blabbed to close friends and family. I was able to put up with that. But when we had my new boss over for a dinner party recently, my wife was nervous and drank too much wine. I was in the kitchen when I heard her screeching and laughing as she told the penis rupture story. I told her off and cut her off the booze. She told me I was "no fun and acting like a big suck." I came back in, tried to pass it off. Nobody was laughing very hard. I think they felt sorry for me. My wife and I have not had sex since, and that was two weeks ago. We have not discussed the incident except for me to say after the guests left, she must be "losing her tiny little mind." That didn't go over well. Now what? -- Broken Marriage? River Heights
Dear Broken: This is a fight, not a marriage-wrecker. Couples say and do dumb and hurtful things like this on occasion, and a few storms of this magnitude should be expected. With both of you clinging to your own sides of the bed, a new problem has developed. So now it's high time you tackled the real rupture -- the emotional one. You need to talk about it while the kids (if you have any) are sent to a neighbour or grandma's house. If you start by describing how you felt, instead of what a jerk she was, the conversation will go better. Tell her you felt "betrayed and mocked and gossiped about, in front of people who you wanted to impress." Then apologize for your lesser crime -- the pea-brain insult -- and say you were just mad and didn't mean it. She will then apologize for the greater sin of telling the penis story. Then you can have a few tears, kiss, and possibly have makeup sex, which, as you know, is great stuff. If you can't talk it out, see a counsellor but be clear it's not with a view to breaking up -- just to help get the words out, and have this problem solved.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I thought I'd seen everything until I came home and found my roommate in bed with my brother, whom she swears she hates. My brother is 30 and she is 28. They're always fighting and can't wait to throw insults at each other when he visits. Lately, they have even sent messages through me to tell the other one. To hear my roomie talk, she has the lowest opinion of him. He says she's a witch. I asked her what happened and she said he came over to get something from me and when I wasn't home, he invited himself in and they ended up in her bedroom, and couldn't help themselves. I don't get it. They are sworn enemies, and she says that still goes and she hates him just as much. -- Huh? St. James
Dear Huh?: Well, she's lying through her teeth. Yes, they irritate each other, but they have a big sexual attraction, fuelled by insults and fighting. The result is that fire breaks out now whenever they're in the same room. A small percentage of couples start out like this and end up married, so back off the analysis and just watch things unfold. If she tries to discuss your brother with you, just say, "He's my brother and I don't want to hear all his personal information." If you see him leaving her bedroom again -- and you surely will -- just say hello as coolly as possible, and make an excuse to leave. It's uncomfortable but it's not going to stop until they've worn the sex out, or decide they'll never have enough and admit they're in love.