DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My young wife of three years is into this weird spell stuff. It used to be a joke, but the last few months she's gone two or three times a week to some women's group. She says "none of your business" about it when I ask. If I really let myself think about it, I fear she might really be some kind of witch. She keeps stuff in the trunk of her car in a locked suitcase. I travel for work, and the other night I came home a day early and she was dressed in sexy black clothes and high heels, and she yelled, "Why did you come back and not call me first?" Why should I? It's my house, too! I'm afraid to ask her about it because I don't want everything we have to come tumbling down. I could not tolerate being married to someone who celebrates evil and is casting spells. -- Who Is She Really? Winnipeg Area
Dear Who: Out two or three times a week with the same group? That's too frequent and doesn't sound like a witches' group to me -- or any kind of group. Granted, your wife may belong to a group of Wiccans, white witches, or even evil ones, but do consider this very likely possibility: She may have a secret suitcase always packed because she has an affair going on. Her many meetings may be a smokescreen. Affair partners get dressed up in sexy clothes for each other, such as the ones she had on when you startled her. They meet two or three times a week if they possibly can, and their frequent absences are often explained away by gym memberships, charity work, clubs or non-existent night courses.
If your wife won't talk to you, have a search through the house and examine her electronics and the secret suitcase, even if you have to swipe her car keys and jimmy the lock. You need to open your eyes and find out what is going on in your marriage -- no more looking the other way. I'm betting on a little witchiness and a lot of affair. Why was she so angry when you showed up at home a day early? I'm betting she was all dressed up for someone and had to cancel her "meeting" fast.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Can a straight woman fake being a guy? We want to know. My girlfriend and I are tall and we're going to a Halloween party dressed in men's hockey equipment and we're hoping to fool everybody all night. We are betting two other girlfriends $25 we can get girls to mistake us for guys, and an extra $25 if anyone comes on to us. We will have full flat chest padding, complete masking and are dying our short hair a different colour for the night, but what do we do about speaking and voices? -- Two Researchers, University of Manitoba
Dear Researchers: No doubt the voice is the hardest thing -- it's about pitch, the rhythm and the laugh. Forget speaking, or be mysterious and just give yes or no answers in a low voice. Make sure your hands are gloved as women's hands are a likely give away and so is a feminine walk. If you're going to stand with the guys and drink beer, study the way they hold the bottles. Actually, you'd be better off in a darker hallway where you are not contrasted with other guys in the bright lights. Write back and tell us how your experiment goes.
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