DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is hairy. She has long-brown hair on her arms, which everybody sees, and her legs, which nobody sees but me, because she's always in jeans. Oh yeah, I get the scratchy stubble in bed. She has a dark moustache which she gets pulled out by the roots at some beauty salon on a regular basis. That's good because it's a beauty -- almost better than I can do.
Don't get me wrong. I love her like crazy. I thought I could tease her about this, but last weekend I ran my hand down her hairy arm and said, "They should have named you Harriet and then I could have called you Hairy. Ha ha ha!" She slapped my hand away from her arm hard and ran off bawling. Now she won't talk to me. Women! She let me tease her a lot, and now suddenly I'm a horrible guy and I should get lost? Really?
I phoned her cell and she answered. She was still mad and I asked if she was having her monthly visitor or something and she clicked off her phone. Now I can't even get through. What should I do now? -- All Screwed Up, Westwood
Dear All Screwed Up: You know the expression, "The straw that broke the camel's back?" Well, that's what happened. You broke it. She's the kind of hard-to-read easygoing person that lets annoying things stack up. You had no idea how close you were to losing her, then you called her Hairy and tried to blame her hormones. That was a double whammy on the insensitivity scale. Since she won't talk to you now, just send her flowers that say, "I love you and I'm so sorry," and back way off.
Let her miss you, if she's ever going to. Don't tell her you'll wait forever. If you do get a call, apologize for your insensitive remarks once, with no "buts." Whatever you do, don't get into explaining abut how the extra-long hair on her arms doesn't really bother you. That would be the very last straw with a lighted match.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is having an affair and her three kids know it. We are all in our early 20s and don't live at home anymore. We know she is seeing the husband of a woman we all know. We know her daughter, too, which makes it worse.
My yappy sister dared to speak to my mom about it and she said it was "none of her business" and not to tell us. Of course she phoned us. We're not planning to rat out our own mother, but it is awful to know this about her. We always thought our dad was the bad guy when they broke up, but I wondered after finding out about mom.
Yesterday, I phoned my dad and he said to come over. He told me tearfully that they were both very young to be having babies (in their teens) and too young to be tied down. They both played around, but mom was the one who started it and they had an open marriage for year. Dad was he one who finally fell in love outside the marriage and had to leave. Now I have a crapload of hurtful information and angry emotions. I don't know whether to carry them myself or not. -- The Eldest Child, Winnipeg
Dear Eldest: Don't carry this load alone. You kids, who are really young adults, should deal with it all, together. Mom isn't talking, but dad is, so the other two siblings might want to have a talk with him, too. Your imaginations will be worse than reality and you need explanations to make things more bearable. Have dinner together at somebody's place, with some privacy and a box of tissues and talk out what you can.
Then the three of you need to approach your mother. Ask her to stop seeing this guy and see what she says. If she isn't madly in love, she might drop him, which would be best for everybody else since you three know the family. All you may be able to ask your mother, for now, is more discretion.
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