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You blew up at wrong man over fear of porn addiction

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My last husband was a porn addict and it's made me very skittish about having any kind of porn in the house. I haven't told my new guy about the porn addiction, and that I put up with it for four years, for fear he'd think I was a sucker for punishment. Last night he came over and told me he had a little surprise for me -- an "erotic movie for couples." I lost it completely, and yelled and called him names. Then I took the tape and threw it over the balcony to the sidewalk 10 feet below. He called me a crazy woman, and went down the elevator and retrieved his precious tape and yelled back up to me (I was looking over the balcony). "We're done!" Do You Think I Over-Reacted? -- No More Porn, Osborne Village

Dear No More Porn: Throwing anybody's property over a balcony is dramatic, no matter what it is. So yes, you over-reacted. This new fellow was not your ex-husband the porn addict, though it may have seemed so for an instant. In fact, he didn't even know about that problem or he wouldn't have brought over the movie. Someone who wasn't hyper-sensitive to porn might have said "For couples? Could be interesting for you, and I don't to spoil your surprise, except I had a bad experience with porn with my ex and I really don't want to see any of it." Then he could have shrugged, put the movie back in his pocket and you could have gone on with other things -- or he might have gone home. You need to see a counsellor about this and work about some of the leftover anger from the experience with your husband that's still sitting inside you -- not good for your health or future relationships.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a wonderful friends-with-benefits relationship with a woman in town and I am a woman, too. She would like for it to be more than sex, but she has a reputation in the lesbian community as a person who gets around. I don't mind as long as it's recreational and I'm flattered she thinks I'm worth more than our Thursday nights, but I don't trust her. The last night she was over she asked me out for dinner at a romantic place and I said: "I like the parameters of our relationship as they are, and she said, "Well they just moved!" and went out and slammed the door. What does that mean? Should I call her or would that be too much, and she'd think I wants to have an emotional relationship with her? -- Really Missing The Benefits, West End

Dear Missing The Benefits: When a friends-with-benefits person asks for more and you say, in effect, "No I'd like to keep you on as a casual," it's an insult. She slammed the door because that's probably the last time she's coming over for sex. The parameters have moved, and you have just been terminated, madam. So, don't call! You don't want anything emotional with her and it would only be misleading.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm 16 1/2 and my girlfriend is almost 18. We've been having sex for six months and now, believe it or not, I want to break up. She's very attached to me and says it will break her heart if I walk away. I'm thinking it's time because I'm tired of her clinging to me, and I'm getting interested in seeing other people. Then yesterday she told me this other guy from another school was trying to get her to go out with him, and I'm all jealous. I know the guy -- he thinks he's a hot shot. My best buddy thinks she might be faking it, to try to keep me interested. Well, it's working. What should I do? Does being jealous mean I'm really in love with her still? -- Mixed Up, Winnipeg

Dear Mixed: This may seem like a strange thing to say but this isn't the time of year to break up. Looking at your ages, it's a good guess this is your girlfriend's final exam time and grad is coming up for her. That'd be a terrible time to dump her. And think how you'd feel if this guy from another school took her to graduation while you stayed at home. That should make you upset enough to hold back for a bit. Let the jealousy thing keep you going at least another month. Don't get me wrong. You have every right to break up, but if you care about this girl, you won't do it now. By the way, she is clingy because she feels you drifting away. And, sex deepens a relationship for a girl, so she's apt to be more invested than you are.

You can email problems to lovecoach@hotmail.com or write letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 3, 2012 A15

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