Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/11/2013 (1112 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've faked orgasm every single time, for 25 years. As well as cheering on his lousy sexual performance, I have praised my husband for being a cheap, lazy, unloving partner. "Oh well, you're too busy to go shopping for my birthday present, darling, and I so appreciate how you provide for the family. That will be my gift." I make myself sick reading that but that's what I'd say. Now I am done faking!
Tonight I said to him, "This isn't working for me. I'm faking it as usual." He was shocked and silent and went to sleep in the other bedroom. That's where he is now. Next time he fails to buy me a present, I'm throwing a fit. I don't care if I cry and look "emotional" or "weak." He has always said how glad he is I'm such a steady, calm woman, "not a drama queen." Well, a drama queen has been stifled deep inside this body for 26 years, since the day I set my sights on him. I have paid for going after a man with money in a million ways. For example, I know he has had other women but I looked the other way.
Why have I finally lost it? Because our child left for university in September and last night I went to bed with another man. It was everything it should have been the last 25 years. And this morning, that same sweet man sent a dozen roses to me at work and I am crying in my office. Where do I go? What do you think? -- Not Taking It Anymore, Winnipeg
Dear Not Taking It: You should have rocked the boat years ago and acted like a normal human being. Instead you put on a face with your rich husband and he has no idea who he married. That's not fair to him either. In fact, he might like you better as a firecracker. At any rate, you have nothing to lose except a phoney marriage if you start telling the truth and showing your true feelings. As today's 20-somethings say: YOLO! (You Only Live Once) and you have cheated yourself of much of it.
Now you're at a big fork in the road -- and that's actually a good thing. Shake everything up, get counselling so you have a referee and see what's left between you and your husband. If you know right now you don't want him, see your own domestic lawyer before you confess you want out. Some people find ways to hide the money that's supposed to be split in two. You don't say if the new man matters to you or if it was just an experiment. Write back and reveal that situation.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I picked up a fun, dancing woman at a club on Portage Avenue and we spent the night together, which rolled into a weekend, which rolled into a whole week. We were inseparable -- she never even went home. (She's unemployed at the moment, we have the same jeans size and I gave her my boxers and T-shirts). But now we're at Day 8 and it's worn out on my side. I don't know how to tell her to go home and stay there.
She thinks we're in love and I admit I said, "I love you," in a wine-fuelled romantic moment. I don't actually love her. I liked her a lot at first but I'm sick of the premature intimacy. Last night she poured out her whole life story to me and it was sad and pretty boring. I started telling mine, including some of my sexual things (a few threesomes, a short bisexual period in my youth) and her face showed shock and disgust. I've been on holidays and go back to work in another week. I want her to leave now and not call me again. How do I tell her the party's over when she thought it was love? -- Big Jerk, St. James
Dear Big Jerk: You're like a guy who went to a restaurant and loved the food so much he gorged himself on the whole menu and now the last thing he wants to look at again is food. Plus, you're angry. Face facts: you're mad because she disapproved when you revealed your sexual secrets and vulnerabilities, and you should tell her that.
But try to be kind in backing off this relationship abruptly. Say you were feeling free, on holidays, relaxed and too ready for romance. Tell her it was "great right off the bat," about all her good points and why you were swept away. Admit you said things impulsively that were only true in the moment and you are so sorry because those "love" words should only be said when a person is sober. Help her put her stuff in her car or a taxi and pay the cabbie in advance as she might not have any money with her after a week. Say how sorry you are once again and tell her it's all your fault, but it's definitely goodbye. With any luck, she was secretly getting sick of you, too.
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