You owe him the truth, not your number

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I saw a creepy-looking man at the Safeway the other day and he followed me around the store, looking sideways. He was so obvious. Finally, he came right up to me, and I jumped. He said, "Don't you remember me?" It was my old boyfriend from Red River with a long beard and unkempt hair and you could have knocked me over with a feather. He talked to me for awhile about his life, and I heard from him he was out of work awhile and he hinted broadly he needed a place to park his boots. He asked how big my place was, and did I have any room mates these days? At the end of the conversation he asked me for my phone number and, shame on me, I gave him a made-up number. Now I feel very nervous to go back to the store, because what if I run into him again? How do I explain what I did? Did I owe him the courtesy of my true phone number? -- Feeling Guilty, Osborne Village

Dear Feeing: You didn't owe him your number, but you did owe him the truth. "I don't feel comfortable giving out my phone number" would have made you feel uncomfortable for a few minutes as you said good-bye and beat a hasty exit, but you'd have felt less guilty and uncomfortable in the long run. It's good to have a general line like that to use when you get flustered. Polite Canadians have a hard time saying no when they mean no. They end up doing the cowardly thing which is to make stuff up. It is sad this old boyfriend has fallen on hard times, but it's not up to you to provide a bed for him.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work with a man at a place where there is a warehouse and guys are in heavy work gear and hats -- often hard hats. I was a little late leaving work and had to go to the warehouse section after quitting time and this guy had his back to me and was changing. He was the only guy there. I ducked behind a door and peeked around because he was changing into nice clothes to go out and he had his work shirt off. His brown back was full of muscles and it looked like he'd been away to a sunspot because he was tanned already. I should have left quickly and quietly but I stayed. Finally he turned around and I saw his face and his big blue eyes. Well, I've been a stupid mess ever since. I've been dressing up for work and I find any excuse to got to the warehouse, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. He caught me staring today and he stared boldly back at me, and grinned a wolfish grin. I blushed red to my roots. What should I do now? -- Big Dummy, Industrial Park in Wpg.

Dear Dummy: So he knows now. You're interested and he smiled back, the first two steps in the mating dance. But hold on a bit before you do anything else. Are you above him power-wise at your workplace? Is he single or married or seeing someone? What is the age difference? Does anybody know what he's like? These are the considerations now, because things could happen. You can't chase after a man who is in your power at work or it's harassment. Nor should you get into a heart-breaking mess, going after a man who is attached. You know this is a big sexual attraction -- you don't even know the man as a person. Invest some of your sexual energy in researching his situation and what kind of guy he is. That should keep you busy for a few days. Then write back and let me know what you find, and we'll discuss stage two.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Sad Aunty and her mom, who haven't seen their brother's children at all, have a negotiation possibility. She can have her mother contact Grandparent's Support group at the offices of Family Conciliation at 945-4031 to see about re-negotiating a relationship with your brother and the children. I was in a similar situation last year as a grandmother. The woman I spoke to was an amazing person and helped resolve my similar problem. She sent a letter to my son and his wife stressing the importance of grandparents in a child's life and asking them to contact her. When she didn't hear from my son she phoned him at work and talked to him and from that phone call I got to talk to my granddaughters for the first time in a year and things are back to normal now. She was a godsend to me. -- So Grateful To Her, Winnipeg

Dear Grateful: Thanks for taking the time to write in and share your experience. Adult relatives who are at odds can sometimes find ways for the children to still see their grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins with helpful suggestions of a practiced intermediary. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't -- but it's worth a try. When it works, it's a boon to a lot of people in a family who may love one another.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 26, 2012 D5