DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I found out my ex-husband was bedding my first cousin behind my back, and I decided to get even. Being part of the family grapevine helped me find out what was going on, and it also helped me to get even! I sent out a couple of rumours about the state of their sexual health to a few key gossips in the family. The "lovers" must have totally panicked, because now they are not seeing each other anymore. Bwa-haha! Don't mess with the best. -- Nobody's Fool For Long, Fort Richmond
Dear Nobody's Fool: The need to brag about your nefarious deeds will be your undoing. Soon, one or both sides of this split-up will find out the stories that broke them apart were fabricated by you. They won't be laughing. Someone will start to mess with your head, as nasty begets nasty. So watch out for your head and/or your reputation. By the way, how long does your ex belong to you after you have parted ways? If you get rid of someone who was not good for you, isn't the natural response "Good riddance," not "How can I mess you up for the rest of your life so you can never have anybody else?" No matter what your husband did to you, you're handing more years of your life to him if you're engaging in manipulations of his life. Stop making him the focus of anything and mind your own business before you get hurt.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife has a pen pal in another city and I didn't pay too much attention because she said he was gay. She went out this morning in a hurry and left her computer on and I was shocked to find out she was writing this guy like a lover. She calls him "Loverman" and other names that make my stomach turn. It was not a gay man speaking back. She refers to phone sex with him and worst of all, she mentions meeting him a few months ago. It occurred to me that she had made a visit to Toronto to see "an old girlfriend" then, and I didn't even question it. This dude is from Toronto, by the things he writes. I love her with all my heart and we have a child together. Is this affair "real" or is it just an online thing? -- Trusting Husband, Winnipeg
Dear Husband: Yes, this is real, but you're still in a state of denial as this information is so new to you. Your wife has already visited with this guy in Toronto and they are still lovey-dovey. After the visit they turned the online affair into a reality. This should tell you things went well with the visit and it probably involved sex. Now it's time to see a counsellor to help you get out of denial and find the words and the questions you need to ask, and the sooner the better.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I broke my arm having sex. We tried a very unusual thing involving a sex swing and something went wrong, the swing fell off the place we had it tethered and... I won't go into all the details. At any rate, my arm got badly broken and is still troublesome. My sex partner and I broke up three months after the accident. Now I have a new guy interested in me and he has asked me how I broke my arm. Should I tell him or should I make something up? I told him it was such a stupid thing I would tell him when I knew him better. I'm wondering what the repercussions are of being totally honest about sex with previous partners. -- Open Book, East Kildonan
Dear Open Book: Your previous sex life should not be an open book. You can tell a little, but it's supposed to be private, out of respect for your previous partners as well. Look, it all depends on the kind of person you're telling. If he is more conservative, don't mention the sex swing. He won't find it amusing and he won't like the visual. If he's pretty wild himself, and things are casual, he might find it funny and entertaining. If he really likes you a lot, and might feel a tinge of jealousy, avoid the subject and tell him what you told your mother when she spotted the cast.
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