Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

You're both on wrong side of this love equation

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I broke up a year and four months ago. We had lived together and were deeply in love. Unfortunately, she and I also got into steaming fights, really about nothing -- tempers flared, and at some point, she could no longer continue, despite our love. It was a horrible time for me, and I found myself texting her and emailing her just to feel normal. After a year of on-and-off electronic communications, I decided to stop. I didn't want to bother her with my pleas, and thought I would regret forever being a burden to her. By the middle of January this year, I met a girl who I started to hang out with. We got along and had some good laughs, but deep inside I knew I still wanted my ex. On Valentine's Day, my ex texted me a question: "Are you dating someone?" As I had been out with this new girl only four times, I felt, and honestly, that we were not dating. My ex told me she had feelings for me still, and had hoped that things could be the same as before. I immediately told the new girl that I couldn't do it, that my heart was with someone else. My ex is so confused with what's happening, she now believes we can't make it work. The new girl kissed me and the ex knows it. I made a YouTube playlist for the new girl to check out, and the ex knows it, and believes it was a love playlist. I love my former girlfriend, and just don't understand why we can't (her words) work things out. -- Missing My Sweetheart, Winnipeg

Dear Missing: Either your ex is overly jealous, or you tell her so much detail that it becomes painful for her to be around you -- even after dating some other girl for only four dates. Why did she have to know about the song playlist or even know about the kiss? What you should have said to your ex was, "If you are asking me if I would like to forsake all others and begin again with you, the answer is yes." A kiss with someone else, after your ex left you begging, is nothing. She sounds like a very jealous woman. Are you sure you want to now go hat in hand again, begging for another chance? Look at the power dynamic here. She came after you, but quickly turned the tables. When she asked if you were dating, your answer should have been "Nobody serious." Period. Why did you fight so much before? It sounds like both of you are so insecure you need to do some work on yourselves with professional help, so you can change the losing equation which is still Insecure Woman + Insecure man Extreme Jealousy.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am in love with a fat woman. She is so fat she is going to die young. I try to tell her that but she won't listen. She says this is "hassling" is about the shape of her body. It is not! It's about the condition of her heart and other organs. I'm afraid I will lose her to Death. I have become the cook and only make her healthy meals, but she stashes doughnuts and cookies and candies and just get fatter and fatter. Please help. -- Watching Her Die, Winnipeg

Dear Watching: You might get further with her if you asked her to talk to you about the reason she needs all this junk food. What emptiness is she trying to fill? Obviously YOU love her unconditionally, but that might not make up for the people in her family or past who didn't. Maybe she is still suffering from bullying and name-calling at school. Maybe she feels she doesn't have work that is fulfilling. Get at these issues with her and try and get her to go for help. Offer to go with her. Don't ignore the problem but take a new approach with a gentle voice -- lots of conversations that look at the hurts and fears and memories that make her want to comfort herself with treats.

Questions or comments? Please email lovecoach@hotmail.com or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 9, 2013 G3

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