On a scale of 10, it's Ferguson over Shaffer

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Craig Ferguson performs during the Annual Dinner of the White House Correspondents' Association in Washington. (HARAZ N. GHANBARI / ASSOCIATED PRESS ARCHIVES)

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America on Purpose
The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot
By Craig Ferguson
HarperCollins, 268 pages, $34

 We'll Be Here for the Rest of Our Lives
A Swingin' Show-biz Saga
By Paul Shaffer with David Ritz
Flying Dolphin/Doubleday, 314 pages, $32

Talk show host Craig Ferguson and bandleader Paul Shaffer both have the same boss: David Letterman.

Letterman's company World Wide Pants produces both Letterman's Late Show on CBS and Ferguson's Late Late Show on the same network, so it seems fitting to review their showbiz biographies with a classic Letterman device: the Top 10 List.

Top 10 reasons to choose Craig Ferguson's biography over Paul Shaffer's.

10. Ferguson can actually write. The Scots-born comedian has penned two screenplays, including the enjoyable Saving Grace, as well as a novel, Between the River and the Bridge.

You can hear his famous lilt in the recounting of his travels from the mean streets of Glasgow to Hollywood. He tells his tale candidly with the self-effacing charm on display nightly on his talk show.

Alas, Shaffer's bio, even though it has been written with professional help, has the same smarmy tone Shaffer exudes nightly on Letterman. It is also fit to bursting with showbiz hyperbole.

Was Andy Kaufman's Mighty Mouse pantomime act on Saturday Night Live really a "sensation"? Is one Cathy Vasapoli really a "booker extraordinaire" for getting Cher on Letterman to promote her new single?

9. Shaffer's life is dull, and peppering it with corny religious puns doesn't make it better. (Think David Steinberg's equally horrible autobiography, The Book of David).

Here's Shaffer, a nice Jewish boy from Thunder Bay, setting up a story about Bob Dylan: "Then came the Good Friday when Dylan crucified me only to resurrect me on the Sunday. This passion played out on the stage of Radio City Music Hall."

Granted there is one funny Dylan story. After Shaffer gushes at a silent and sullen Dylan backstage at Letterman, Bob asks to meet Larry Bud Melman.

8. Craig Ferguson admits to hating every moment working on The Drew Carrey Show. Good for him!

7. Given the sexual shenanigans recently come to light on Letterman, you'd hope Shaffer provide some insight into the reclusive Dave. But no. He does, however, mention he thinks Dave is the "most brilliant comedy conceptualist around."

6. Pharmacology. Ferguson admits to taking speed, coke, pot, LSD, heroin and copious amounts of alcohol.

He has been sober for 17 years, and his book is an encouragement to all. He's been a milkman, a punk rock drummer, a comedian called Bing Hitler, and an actor. Heroin! How many Hollywood celebs would own up to that?

Shaffer's memoir is the work of a fake bad boy trying to breath life into a tired rat pack lounge lizard act. The martini glass he poses with in the back cover has an olive in it, but no booze.

Shaffer uses the word "groovy" in the presence of a man who was around when cool was born: Miles Davis! Groovy? Who says groovy?

5. According to Shaffer, Letterman told him he was the man for the job. According to Ferguson, Letterman didn't want him as the host of the Late Late Show. That makes for a much better story.

4. Shaffer recounts events he wasn't even around to see. Readers are treated to a long gush on the Jerry Lewis telethons of the '60s and '70s, including the famous Martin-Lewis reunion.

What was Shaffer doing? Watching it on TV. If he had added, "This is when I decided to live my life as a parody," his purpose would be clear, but he does not.

Ferguson, a newly minted American, when he actually did visit the White House, described Dick Cheney as a "Bond villain" and several other unprintable words.

3. Shaffer comes across as a musically respected and talented mensch with a nice family whose sycophantic shtick gets tiring after a few dozen pages. It's no swinging' saga.

2. Ferguson is entertaining throughout. He's vulgar, honest, funny, not terribly nice, but nice enough in a vulgar, honest, funny way.

And at its core, his autobiography is an immigrant tale, a reminder that America is still a land where dreams come true.

And the No. 1 reason to choose Ferguson over Shaffer: Ferguson is Scottish.

Drum roll!

Al Rae is a Winnipeg-based comedy writer born in Glasgow. He has been twice rudely ignored by Craig Ferguson: once drunk and once sober (both of them).

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 21, 2009 H5