Twelve cartoon-voice things we probably won't hear Oscars host (and Family Guy creator) Seth MacFarlane say during Sunday's Academy Awards show:
"On your mark, get set... terrible!" (because there's no Rob Lowe/Snow White musical number to open the show).
"Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?" (because it's the Oscars, not the booze-fuelled Golden Globes).
"Oh, that's nasty." (because it's been years since Cher was a presenter at the Oscars).
"Giggity giggity!" (because, well, just because).
"Victory is mine!" (because Ted was somehow excluded from the best-picture category).
"Ladies and gentlemen ... Mr. Conway Twitty." (because, hopefully, Sunday's show won't reach that desperately-need-a-distraction stage).
"Shut up, Meg!" (because Meg Ryan isn't nominated and therefore won't be making an acceptance speech).
"Take it up with my butt, cause he's the only one who give a crap." (because criticism won't matter to MacFarlane, who has already said he has no intention of hosting a second time).
"Oh, my God ... Who the HELL cares?" (because everyone knows that introducing the Pricewaterhouse Coopers accountants who count votes and deliver the envelopes is an unavoidable, contractually mandated part of the Oscars telecast).
"That's freakin' sweet!" (because Sofia Vergara is a presenter at the Emmys, not the Oscars).
"You shall rue this day! Well, go on ... start ruing!" (because we're pretty sure MacFarlane isn't going to take a Ricky Gervais/Golden Globes scorched-earth approach to hosting).
"Damn you all!" (because nobody says "Damn you" to Jack Nicholson).
-- Brad Oswald