Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Haiku Horoscopes

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Heavy metal will

Fill that hole in your heart that

Miley Cyrus left

 

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Moby Dick is an

Epic classic of English,

Not what you're thinking

 

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Your house is haunted --

So move out! Problem solved! Yes

It was that simple

 

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

When you wake to find

Yourself in an alternate

Universe, hit snooze

 

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)

Breakfast is the most

Important part of the day

In Breakfast County

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

Zombies need your brains

I don't know why, but I know

They said yours, not mine

 

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

This magical key

Will open any... no, you

Cannot borrow it!

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

If only Shakespeare

Had lived long enough to see

The movie Showgirls

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

Voltaire once wrote that

Pearl Jam were pretty rad, though

He disliked Last Kiss

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

If no one comes when

You cry "wolf," try yelling out

"Wolves with laser eyes!"

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Hummingbirds consume

Food constantly, and that's what

Happened to your fries

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)

Never forget that

You have to work hard if you

Want to die early

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition August 15, 2013 C2

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