Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Haiku Horoscopes

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Aries (March 21 - April 19)

 

Congratulations!

So much will go wrong this week

You'll break your record

 

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

 

The best comedy

Comes from pain, which is why you

Should torture that clown

 

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

 

Stopping animal

Testing begins with that pop

Quiz you give your dogs

 

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

 

Better late to the

Party than early to worms...

Wait, I got confused

 

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)

 

What Would Victor Von

Doom Do? It's a wonderful

Way to live your life

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

 

You will become the

Next JFK -- by which I

Mean the next I kill

 

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

 

Look, I don't know what

Your imaginary friend

Told you, but you're real

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

 

Cut your boss some slack--

After all, that's your job as

A pro slack-cutter

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

 

The perfect career

For someone with your drive and

Ambition: drug mule

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

 

I agree that it's

Inhumane to eat puppies

Alive, but it's cheap

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

 

You should hang out with

Gary Busey, because I

Miss that Busey show

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20)

 

I'm Jonathan Ball

And I approve not having

Any damn message

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 3, 2014 ??65534

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