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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Jesus Christ: Soft on crime

Imagine the attack ads if he ran for office today

By: Celia Rivenbark

Posted: 10/6/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0

If Jesus were running for office today, how long would it be before some conservative codger tried to topple him? (JULIO CORTEZ / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS ARCHIVES)

Jesus is in the news thanks to a recently discovered scrap of papyrus that appears to contain written proof he was married.

Noted biblical scholars have examined the business-card sized scrap covered with ancient script and have verified that it says: "Jesus said to them, "My wife..." The rest is indecipherable. Probably because a certain Someone didn't use a coaster, just sayin'.

Oh, settle down. I'm a big fan of Jesus, arguably the greatest liberal who ever lived what with all that "tolerance" and "forgiveness" and incessant desire to "take care of those less fortunate." I mean, if Jesus were running for office today, he'd be accused in the TV ads of being "soft on crime" by that voice-over guy with the perpetual snarl in his voice. The personal attacks would be almost too easy. ("He claims to be a family man but look who Jesus Christ is hanging around these days... a PROSTITUTE!") His miracles would be further fodder for the attack ads: "He turned water into wine and then (big snarl) said his mother asked him to do it. Jesus Christ: Soft on crime, water into wine. Pals around with prostitutes."

I'm sure Jesus's command to his disciples to "Follow me" would've been taken out of context, too.

(Radio ad): "Jesus Christ wants you to follow him but if you ask him where you're going, he says to just trust him. Jesus Christ: He sounds like a Scientologist."

Big business would launch a huge smear campaign against Jesus for wanting to protect the planet by being a good steward of the Earth. Or, as our snarly friend might ominously intone: "Jesus Christ would pitch tens of thousands of workers into unemployment by placing more regulations on offshore drilling and (snickering) investigating wind power... Can you AFFORD to be without a job that feeds your family? Call Jesus Christ today and tell him you're sick and tired of being told that your needs aren't important."

Of course, being married seems to be a requirement for running for office so at least that would help with Jesus's campaign. Unfortunately, his wife would have to put up with a lot of scrutiny, most of it unpleasant and having nothing to do with real issues.

("Her robe seems a bit short, the colour a little loud and everyone knows that, past the age of 30, no one should wear their hair that long. It sends the wrong message.")

Somewhere an attack ad would be brewing featuring two retirees sitting on the ground in front of their Bible-times home playing some game that hasn't actually been invented yet.

Codger 1: "Can you believe that Jesus Christ wants us to take care of the poor and the lame? I mean it's a nice idea but who's going to pay for all that?"

Codger 2: "Us, that's who! With higher taxes. (Lowering voice) You know they say he's friendly with the tax collectors."

Voiceover: "Jesus Christ. We're not even sure he's really married."

Columnist Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times bestselling author of six humour collections. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.

-- MCT Information Services

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 6, 2012 J12

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