Some people know him as Kris Kringle. Others call him St. Nicholas or Father Christmas.
But in Canada, the big guy in the red suit is famous as Santa Claus, the jolly old elf responsible for doling out toys to kids who deserve them.
Even though he's familiar to all, few of us actually know the man, who sat down for a rare interview during a break in toy production at the North Pole:
Free Press: How do you avoid stress during the holiday season?
Santa Claus: I drink a lot of warm reindeer milk. It's high in fat, but it calms me down. Ms. Claus wants me to drink smoothies instead, but ptarmigans are the closest thing to fruit up here and their bones tend to get caught in the blender.
FP: Gross. Can you tell us which politicians are on your naughty list this year?
SC: I'd love to, but you're in Canada. Federal privacy legislation won't allow it. What I can do is show you Instagram photos of snowflakes. I've taken about seven million of them. I think I've become quite the photographer.
FP: Uh, that's OK. What do you think of all the phoney Santas masquerading as you at shopping malls?
SC: They're not fake! They're all clones, each and every one of them. Along with excelling at toy-making, the elves are gifted geneticists.
FP: Is that how you're able to visit every household in the world on Christmas Eve?
SC: No. For that, we contract out. We used to do it ourselves, but now we hire delivery services in each market in an effort to make life less hectic for the North Pole operation -- and cut down on our carbon footprint.
FP: Speaking of greenhouse gases, where will the North Pole workshop go once the Arctic sea ice completely disappears? That could happen within a decade, during the summers, anyway.
SC: We don't have an answer for that just yet. Along with excelling at genetics, the elves are gifted at logistics. One option would be to raft up during the summer and wait for the ice to return in the fall. The other involves scouting for a new location.
FP: You mean to say Santa's workshop could be located somewhere other than the North Pole?
SC: Absolutely. There are vast tracts of land available in sparsely populated regions of the Northern Hemisphere. Siberia would be one option, as would northern Saskatchewan. Most people don't know we already have a branch-plant operation in Uranium City.
FP: Why Uranium City?
SC: What did you think makes Rudolph's nose so bright? Along with excelling at logistics, the elves are gifted nuclear engineers.
FP: Is there anything the elves can't do?
SC: Strangely, they make terrible cookies.
- As fictitiously told to Bartley Kives