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What might have Mark Chipman said Thursday?

We interrupt this regular column to take you live to the news conference True North chairman Mark Chipman didn't have at the MTS Centre Thursday, but should have had. This is what we wish he'd said:

Chipman: Good morning. I'd like to thank you all for coming...

Blogger in his pyjamas: You lie!

Chipman: What? Is this the U.S. Congress? I'm not lying...

Blogger in his underwear: Liar.

Chipman: I'm not lying. I haven't even said anything yet...

Naked blogger: Liar. You just said you weren't lying. That's saying something. This proves you're bringing the Jets back to Winnipeg.

Chipman: I'm not bringing the Jets back to Winnipeg! Not today, anyway. Not tomorrow either. Not next week. Not next month.

Reporter wearing cheap, unattractive pants: Well, what about beyond next month?

Chipman: We'll, see. That's the whole thing: I can't tell you that because I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I am actively seeking, along with my mildly eccentric, but wildly rich partner David Thomson, an NHL team to purchase and relocate to Winnipeg.

DJ for local radio station that was once the undisputed FM heavyweight in Winnipeg, but was most recently tied for a distant sixth in local ratings: Hey, at least we're still ahead of CBC Radio 2.

Chipman: What? And everyone's ahead of CBC Radio 2.

Hank DJ: We're not.

Chipman: Look, can we stick to the subject? I'm here because the whole city's been in a tizzy for a month now that I was going to announce today, March 4, that I'm bringing the NHL back to Winnipeg.

Blogger, via Internet link from his parents' basement: That was my scoop.

Other bloggers: No, it wasn't. It was mine. Mine. Mine.

Chipman: It was nobody's scoop because it wasn't a scoop. Because it's not true. I'm not announcing any such thing. I'm not announcing anything, in fact. I'm just saying that I'm actively seeking an NHL team.

Bloggers: See? We knew it.

Chipman: Knew what? I've been saying for seven years that I'm actively seeking an NHL team to purchase and locate in Winnipeg. That's what I was doing in 2004 when the MTS Centre opened, that's what I was doing in 2008, and that's what I'm doing in 2010. Nothing's changed.

Another badly dressed reporter: But is something imminent?

Chipman: No, not at all.

Smokin' hot TV reporter: So you're not engaged right now in any advanced discussions with any particular ownership group?

Chipman: Nope. We see what you see -- a team in Phoenix that's owned by the league, a team in Nashville that had a crook for a part-owner, teams in places like Florida that continue to lose money hand over fist. Have we made all of them aware of our interest? Categorically yes. But are we on the verge of concluding a deal with any of them? Categorically no.

Drooling sports writer: And you're not actively involved in any advanced discussions with the NHL right now?

Chipman: Categorically no. Have we made the NHL completely aware of our desire to purchase a team and locate it in Winnipeg? Categorically yes.

Blogger: Liar. We have a friend who has a cousin who has an aunt who has a husky that pulled Gary Bettman, Izzy Asper and Ben Hatskin on a dogsled to Dubrovnik's Sunday night.

Blogger: I heard it was Hy's.

Blogger: I heard it was 529.

Blogger: Velvet Glove.

Chipman: Do you guys just go through the yellow pages for this stuff? This is what I mean -- you've created all this hysteria in town. One bad rumour from a month ago has gotten repeated again and again and again. And what's happened is people are now hearing variations on the same bad information from different places and concluding there must be something to it because they're hearing it from multiple sources. But it's not multiple sources, see; it's just a bunch of different people with different versions of the same bad information, all of it compounded by the vagaries of the Internet. It's the telephone game on steroids -- can't you see that?

Reporters: So you're saying the NHL is never coming back to Winnipeg?

Chipman: Not at all. In fact, I happen to be quite optimistic about the NHL coming back to Winnipeg. That's why I'm doing all this stuff. I really do hope that it's a matter of time before the right situation comes along and we get our team back.

Everyone: That'd be cool.

Chipman: I agree.

Bloggers: But not today?

Chipman: Not today.

One blogger to another: He's lying.

paul.wiecek@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 5, 2010 C1