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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION
Love means never saying you're sorry? Wrong dear
FEEL like you should be apologizing for something in your relationship, but not sure what? A novel new study suggests your instincts are right.
In asking 120 men and women to keep daily diaries of any wrongdoing in their romantic partnerships, a Canadian psychologist found apologies were offered for just 31 per cent of reported offences. Even more striking was apologies -- when they were given -- only predicted forgiveness for highly satisfied couples.
"Those in less-satisfied relationships are just not seeing the apologies as sincere expressions of remorse," said study author Karina Schumann, post-doctoral fellow in social psychology at Stanford University. "It suggests there might be a subset of individuals that don't benefit at all from apologies."
The study, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, draws on an intensive daily-diary method in which married or common-law couples tracked transgressions by their partner, whether or not apologies were offered, the verbal content of the apologies, the perceived sincerity of the apologies and their willingness to forgive. The couples' relationship satisfaction was evaluated prior to the study.
Schumann described the method as being "as close to an accurate representation of what's going on in real-life relationships as we could get using ethical practices."
One hundred and four of 120 participants reported one or more wrongdoings by their partner over seven days, for a total of 278 offences spanning everything from hurt feelings to failed obligations. Apologies were given for just 30.94 per cent of reported transgressions.
"That blew my mind," said Schumann. "It really speaks to the subtle types of offences that can occur between partners... A lot of things can fly under the radar, where the partner isn't even aware of the offence and therefore doesn't have the opportunity to apologize."
When apologies were offered, they predicted forgiveness only for men and women who were highly satisfied with their relationships. Those individuals were more likely to judge contrition as being sincere.
"They're probably more willing to forgive because they see it as an isolated incident in a larger spectrum of positive incidents," said Schumann.
She added future work should look at the effects of apologies in deeply troubled relationships, noting it's possible they could have a detrimental effect by keeping the distressed couple from fully confronting a contentious issue.
"When someone apologizes to you, there's social pressure to forgive them and move on. So when the victim of an offence receives an apology, they might feel manipulated into moving forward before they're ready," said Schumann.
-- Postmedia News
Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 26, 2012 C11
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