Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION
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Created by a marriage therapist to help couples spice up their lives, A Private Affair is anything but a bored game
Winnipeg marriage and family therapist Todd Sellick says he regularly encounters couples in their 30s who haven't had sex in over a year. And most often, the bedroom isn't the only place where the thrill is gone.
"These marriages are not primarily sexless, they are less on every level," says Sellick. "So there's less adventure, less encouragement, less kindness, less peace."
He says most couples, while earnest in their desire to address this "creeping separateness," are living such busy and fragmented lives that they don't know how or where to begin.
Sellick suggests they start having "affairs" --with each other-- even if it's just a "quickie" in the car -- and has launched a new game to help initiate the process.
A Private Affair: The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises for Couples is essentially a collection of ice-breaking questions designed to light a fire under chilly relationships.
The idea behind the game is to get couples engaged in "provocative conversations" so they can rediscover (or discover anew) dreams, desires and fantasies that have been muffled by the demands of everyday life, Sellick says.
"Our personal philosophy is that people need to have a life that's got some joy and electricity in it, even on a Tuesday night in January," says the Oxford-trained physician turned counsellor, who created A Private Affair with Jan Sellick, his wife of 24 years.
Their market research turned up a lot of games that were "kind of kinky," and often patronizing in their simplistic and cliché approaches to building intimacy, he says. APA ultimately grew out of the homework Sellick has been assigning his clients for years.
"It's like having a third person challenge you. The focus is on the sexual piece, but we have made a careful effort to try and bring nearly every part of their relating into a more open, honest and naked place."
The game consists of 500 cards that invite players to discuss quotes ("Bed is the poor man's opera," reads an Italian proverb), disclose secrets ("On balance, would you rather seduce or be seduced?"), share preferences ("A sexual activity that I recall you initiated into our lovemaking, and that I really love, is...") and make plans. The erotic vignette cards prompt players to weave a fantasy around three elements ---- say, a campfire, chocolate liqueur and a skinny dip.
A Private Affair comes with a pair of pins bearing its logo ---- a curtain billowing through an open window -- which couples can don to send a signal to their partner that they feel like "playing."
There are also SUDS (Sock and Underwear Drawer Sheets), which players can use to make promises to each other and to create reminders to followup on those plans.
The game has no competitive element, so there's no (pardon the pun) scoring. Just an underlying assumption that there's some truth behind the old adage: "One thing leads to another."
"Great sex starts with a conversation," says Sellick, who suggests couples bring a few cards along when they go out for dinner or coffee, or even a short drive in the car.
He says the questions can rekindle the kind of lively, revealing conversations people typically enjoy during the honeymoon phase of a relationship, when they talk about everything and can't seem to get enough of each other.
"When we were falling in love, I would drive all across town to be able to see you for five minutes on a coffee break. Later on, you suggest: 'Wanna meet for lunch?' and I say: 'Aw, there's no parking around there.'
"I think we often have what I call 'functional marriages,'" Sellick says. "We're very efficient together, we're reasonably civil; anyone looking at us would think we're happy. But it's like we have an addiction to mediocrity."
The game challenges people to have higher expectations for what their love can be, says Sellick, to "scheme" new, and sometimes steamy, plans together.
"We're challenging people, really, to have an affair with their spouse."
A Private Affair: The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises for Couples sells for $34.99 and is available at local bookstores or on the web at www.aprivateaffairgame.com.
Enter to win
If you would like to win a copy of A Private Affair: The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises for Couples, email carolin.vesely@freepress.mb.ca before noon today. Don't forget to include your phone number.
Start
an 'Affair'
What is the best sex we have had with (most of) our clothes on? Suggest a sexual encounter that the two of you might try in the coming months, where you might make out with (again, most of) your clothes on.
'*
When you and I have had good, or perhaps "great" sex, does this affect our relationship in the hours or days afterward? How?
'*
Complete the sentence: Couples who videotape their lovemaking ___________.
'*
Does a four-poster bed appeal to you? If yes, then why? Or why not?
'*
Discuss the quote: "Take away leisure and Cupid's bow is broken." (Ovid, 43 BC-17 AD)
'*
Make up a short erotic vignette that includes... An overnight train. Purple tulips. Silk stockings. Share this with your partner.
Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 4, 2009 F1
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1 Comments
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Posted by: beanie
April 4, 2009 at 11:15 AM
This game is gold. And it's true ... one thing DOES lead to another ...