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Miss Lonelyhearts

Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

'Orphan' finds holiday happiness helping others

By: Maureen Scurfield / Miss Lonelyhearts

24/12/2009 1:00 AM | Comments: 14

DEAR READERS: Holiday season is here and I want to send you my warmest wishes and thank you for all your letters. It's a pleasure to open my mail from you every day, no matter how difficult the problems. Don't feel shy to write about problems big or small that occur in your friendships, family, work and love lives. I answer everyone's mail, if you include a return address, though not all of it can appear in the paper. Each of your letters and emails are important to me, plus the discussions that arise, and the pointers and contacts some of you send in to help other readers. Happy Holidays, Everyone! Warmly, Miss Lonelyhearts

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a bit alone at this time of the year and want to share a secret with other people who might feel this way. For the last three years I've done a lot of Christmas charity work -- including serving meals to the needy and delivering hampers. These have been the most gratifying Christmases of my life, even though my family lives down east and I don't often have the money to fly home. I really look forward to the holiday season each year now, and have enlisted several other "orphans" who help alongside me and have a special dinner late in the evening at my apartment. Now Christmas isn't all about me; it's about helping other people who need to feel some warmth and love. I just thought this might help. Thanks for the soapbox opportunity. -- A Do-Gooder, living Downtown

Dear Do-Gooder: Thank you for sharing your formula for having a guaranteed happy season when a family Christmas is out of reach. You sound like a sweet person, and the world could do with more like you. Experts have recently done studies that reveal a person's immunity is boosted by the good feelings of doing kindnesses for other people. Now, isn't that a unique little gift!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a hard time dealing with my husband's uncle at Christmas as he always gets inebriated and has, on more than one occasion, touched me, if you know what I mean. I don't say anything because I don't want to cause a scene and upset his wife at Christmas. What should I do? -- Dreading Another Touch, St. Vital

Dear Dreading: The moment you arrive, get your husband to warn his uncle off touching you, with the threat he'll expose his behaviour to the whole crowd. Uncle will be surprised because you seemed to have kept his secret the first few times he pulled this trick. Now that you have your power partly back, you're also going to speak up. When you see this man, say firmly, with a tough eye: "Stay away from me or you will regret it!" and sweep out of the room. Once he knows you and your husband are both on his case, he will stop -- and possibly change victims. That's why you need to make his behaviour known to your mother-in-law and ask her help. The only way to stop this man is to shine a light on his behaviour. You won't have been the only one he's touched; that's just not the way it works.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition December 24, 2009 D2

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14 Commentscomment icon

Babyblue01: my first response wasn't posted, so I will try this again. What part of "just kidding and trying to make a point" did you not understand? Please re-read what I wrote and tell me exactly how I contradicted myself. I think you may not understand sarcasm.

cms - I sure love how you contradict yourself. On previous columns you state that a woman doesn't get unwanted attention based on how she dresses, but here you are stating that she is wearing something to provoke the uncle touching her. Hmm, I think that if you are going to bash someone for what they say, you should maybe stick to what you say instead of contradicting yourself.

East,

Your comment about too many children being abducted and harmed is exactly the example of fear I am trying to avoid. The same criminals and crimes have occurred for several decades or more but they are not happening that more often. Sure we HEAR about each and everyone now nearly the instant it happens now but I don't believe the risk is that much greater than many years ago. My kids are 6 and 11 and I have no problem hanging back and watching them from a short distance. I guess it comes down to what you are comfortable with as a parent. I don't think those "helicopter parents" are doing their kids any favors, in my opinion.

RJS: It's nice to hear that there are still parents out there who aren't "helicopter" parents who smother their children so much that they are afaid to go out in the big scary world by themselves. Sure we have to keep an eye on our kids, but like you said your kids aren't totally unsupervised. Over-protected kids are anxious kids who don't always turn out to be well adjusted adults.

I have to wonder what Dreaded is wearing to garner this unwanted male attention. I sure hope it isn't thigh high boots. Just kidding and trying to make a point!

Seriously, though, Dreaded needs to make it perfectly clear to her husband's uncle that she is not going to put up with such behaviour. The husband needs to know so that he can keep an eye on his uncle.

Whenever someone touches me inapproproiately, I just put on my most evil face and glare at the offender. That is usually enough to make them back off and keep their paws to themselves, and this is to avoid creating a possible scene. If you act all innocent and victim-like, then this uncle will sense this and prey upon it.

Perhaps he may even think that you are enjoying his little come-ons. Maybe he thinks it will flatter you. Obviously a poor judgement call.

By telling your husband, you might make things weird (resentment, shame, etc.) between him and his uncle and make future family gatherings very awkward.

Also, some families talk. What if word were to accidently slip out at the most inapproporiate times, as this often happens at the end of the night when everybody is a wee bit inebriated and loose-lipped? God forbid if the wife found out that you, your husband, and mother-in-law knew of the incidents but kept hush about it. She might get pretty pissy at that.

Weird situation I know, one in which must be handled with class.

Dreading: you know what to do and you don't need Miss L to advise you. If this uncle persists, use your free hand to give him some 'discouragement'. I think you catch my drift. If you don't want to do that, you could accidentally spill a hot coffee on his...er...clothes. This uncle has no business touching you there or anywhere without your permission. Deal with this guy and don't show too much consideration - obviously, he doesn't show you any. Go with the hot coffee and if that doesn't work, go for the first method.

Senior Lady, you and I come from a whole different world. Sure, there were things that needed changing but I still think those days were a lot better, overall, than today.

I would be remiss if I didn't extend my kudos to our 'orphan' - you are doing something wonderful and you will surely be blessed. At this time of year, and at Easter and Thanksgiving, I participate with a small group of fellow faithful in making dinners for shut-ins. I roast turkey (or ham) after turkey (or ham) plus the spuds and turnips. When I lived in Winnipeg, I delivered hampers for Christmas Cheer (started when I was in junior high). It feels so good and you get to meet some interesting people. Part of the reason I am harsh with complainers is because I have seen real hardship when making my deliveries - that and working with suicidal men for over 30 years. When I see a letter to Miss L complaining about something inconsequential, I want to take the letter-writer by the arm and drag him or her to see real hardship.

Bless you for making the true spirit of Christmas come alive. Rather than complain or whine, you see your situation as an opportunity to make somebody else's life that much better. May God bless you always.

I wouldn't "gamble" with any child by giving them too much "space". The potential loss is way too high!!

RJS - I'm sure you're a good parent but I do feel for parents these days. Things which never crossed our minds when I was young are now reality for children of any age. Get this: one day, I decided to check out my old high school's web site (Kelvin) and was shocked to read rules and consequences of carrying and using a weapon on school property. What the heck is that? The worst we ever did was sneak a smoke across the street in full view of our teachers and principal. Or we hung out at Stan's and played pinball. If we really wanted to push the envelope, we'd cross the bridge and have a draft at the Westminister at lunch time - under age, of course. Guns and knives never entered our minds.

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