Babies on a plane... now that's scary

Whenever I hear about injustice anywhere in the world, I become outraged over the injustice of it all.

That's just the sort of crusading journalist I am.

I mention this today because I am currently outraged over the injustice being inflicted on a 29-year-old man named Le Van Thuan, who made worldwide headlines last Tuesday when -- get ready to feel extremely sympathetic -- he found himself on a Vietnam Airlines plane seated beside a woman with a screaming baby.

When the plane landed on the tarmac at Ho Chi Minh City airport, according to news reports, the frazzled mom wanted to make a quick getaway, so she asked Thuan for help.

Being exceptionally polite, he gently scooped up the shrieking child, removed the woman's luggage from the overhead compartment and carried them all into the airport.

Just kidding. That's what you and I would have done. What Thuan did, when the mom asked for help with her screaming baby, was fling open the plane's emergency exit and trigger the inflatable escape slide.

No one actually slid down the emergency chute, but I think I speak for every passenger on that plane -- along with every air traveller who has ever been trapped at 35,000 feet with a leather-lunged infant wailing louder than the drummer for a heavy metal band -- when I say that, in recognition of his bravery, Thuan deserves at least eight Nobel Prizes.

But here's where the injustice comes in -- the airport authorities have decided to charge Thuan for opening the emergency door and deploying the slide. He faces a fine of up to $950.

Let's be honest: The problem here is NOT Mr. Thuan. No, the problem is the fact airlines and aviation authorities will Taser you if you try to board a plane carrying a small bottle of Head & Shoulders shampoo, but they openly welcome finicky babies on passenger jets.

It's not like new parents don't have travel options. I'm thinking here of Canada Post. Sure, the postage for mailing a baby wouldn't be cheap and a few babies would no doubt be delivered to the wrong address, but I think that's a small price to pay to guarantee the comfort of the air-travelling public.

If you have ever been seated on a plane in the vicinity of a shrieking baby, you know what I mean. If not, I'd like to share a terrifying personal incident. It was roughly 23 years ago when my wife and I boarded a plane bound for the West Coast and unwisely brought our son, who wasn't even two years old at the time, along for the ride.

What made this situation even more complicated was the fact my wife was also EXTREMELY PREGNANT at the time and (as anyone who has been involved in the baby-making process can tell you) her gastrointestinal system could explode at a moment's notice, if you catch my general drift.

Initially, everything went well. Then, unfortunately, the plane took off, which is when things started to get out of hand.

As we cruised around 35,000 feet, our son decided he did not want the people in the seats directly in front of us to enjoy their flight, so he began kicking and kicking and kicking the back of their seats and, when we tried to stop him, he attempted to escape and race up to the cockpit while repeatedly screeching: "I WANT TO GO IN THE KITCHEN! I WANT TO GO IN THE KITCHEN!"

As a modern parent, I would have to say the main problem was the fact our son was the only toddler on the flight. Normally, if one unhappy baby begins screaming, it will trigger a shrieking-baby chain reaction in which no one is sure which baby is to blame for the chaos.

In our case, however, the other non-baby-toting passengers shot us laser-like looks of pure hatred that conveyed the following in-flight message: "If we beat you to death with our En Route magazines, no court in the land will convict us."

Fortunately, my wife knew how to handle the situation -- she allowed her digestive system to erupt like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. "Honey, would you ... BLAAAAARRGGGHH!" is what she said to me at the time.

And that's essentially how it went until our plane landed.

"WAAAAAAAAH!" my son would wail.

"BLAAAAAARRRGGGHH!" my wife's digestive system would reply.

I am still surprised that, even when we were in mid-air, no one opened the emergency exit and deployed the escape chute. So I hope the authorities in Vietnam don't judge Mr. Thuan's actions too harshly.

If he can't pay the fine, he could end up spending a few days in jail. On the upside, I hear it's really quiet in there.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 22, 2012 A2