Boiling over

Wrath is not cutesy anger, like the saucy spat you might stage at bedtime to put some snap into the sexy time ahead. Nor is it irritation on a hot, sticky road trip and a snarky "Can't you read the freaking map?"

That's not far enough from civilized. That's not wrath.

ANGER IS A CHOICE

So you think you can't help screaming at your kids? Blowing up at the irritating young doofus in the warehouse? Yelling and giving the finger to the guy who just cut you off in traffic?

Think again. Pastor Paul Wartman says anger is a choice. OK, we all know the way you express anger -- good or bad behaviour -- is a choice, but Wartman, co-founder of The Meeting Place here in Winnipeg, says getting angry in the first place is also a choice. Wrath is a decision you make, a place in your head you decide to go.

Wartman uses the example of the parent who is out of control, yelling at the kids, calling them down, everybody's crying, big fight going on, and the phone rings. The "raging" person does a complete 180 and says to an adult friend in a pleasant, civilized voice. "Hello. Yeah, I'm fine. How are you doing?" Stopped on a dime! No signs of distress. Definitely not "out of control" and fully engaged in wrath or they could not have answered that phone.

"They can switch gears in a heartbeat," says Wartman, from his office in Surrey, B.C.'s Peace Portal Alliance church. "It's not a phoney anger. They're really angry. But anger isn't just an involuntary response of rage to an event. It's a choice of will. There's a nanosecond between what happens and our response and, in that nanosecond, we make a decision."

To get mad. To lose it. To hit the roof. Or, hopefully, to be reasonable.

"For some people the state of anger is when they feel the most focused and powerful, most fully alive." And that can be addictive.

Been there, done that? If you recognize yourself as quick to anger, and need an attitude adjustment, you can catch Wartman's latest podcast Healing an Angry Spirit. If you're deeply in trouble over anger, and could lose your family, your job or your liberty, it's time for an anger management class.

ROAD RAGE

"Road ragers are self-appointed policemen and rule makers for the road," says LMC relationship centre's Robbie Bilton, who has an unusual program for road ragers.

"They're into crime, punishment for making mistakes. They think, 'You are wrong and stupid and I'm going to punish you!' " Bilton explains these are analytical personality types, rule-oriented, can't take frustration. They're yelling in the car and yelling at home.

"In my system for stopping road rage, I appoint them as caretakers, instead of cops. They learn to take care of other drivers, to protect others. You shift them to taking care of the community," says Bilton. "Another part of the therapy is you get the road rager to accept imperfections. You admit to yourself you sometimes make mistakes, and other people make mistakes. You allow for mistakes."

MEN AND WOMEN

Why are men and women beating on each other? Eldon Pullman of Cornerstone Counselling has the answer. "There's a common theme that runs throughout. It's an emotion around this thought, 'There's something I want or believe I need and I'm not getting it!' "

But the things people want are not the same for the two sexes.

Otis Redding understood it from the men's side when he wrote the song R-E-S-P-E-C-T. "Men want respect. They feel inadequate and they want to feel respected and acknowledged," says the counsellor of 20 years.

Monday night is anger management class night at his Portage Avenue office. The 52-year-old therapist says he doesn't feel scared of the guys who come, and has only had two "lose it."

"One guy started to flip right off the scale. I talked him down, appealed to his sense of respect. He was feeling threatened, a loss of power and control."

Pullman blames the behavior to a great degree on what a guy grew up with. "Guys grow up being abused and they make vows. "I'll NEVER let this happen to me again. I'll get you before you get me."

More and more women are needing for anger management too, he notes. "The pendulum is swinging," says Pullman. "Some women are definitely beating up on guys now." But, in the majority, it's the guy who's overpowering the woman, says this experienced counsellor.

Pullman says a light-bulb moment for abusers of either sex is this: Regardless of the situation NO ONE has the right to be violent or abusive. You're totally responsible for how you handle your anger no matter what the trigger. The old blame game, "You made me angry; you provoked me and made me do it," doesn't get very far in his class -- or in court, for that matter.

For help www.cornerstonecounselling.ca.

A Positive Side of Anger -- Outrage

Amnesty International's Louise Simbandumwe says anger, in the form of outrage against atrocities and injustice, is a good thing.

"It's good if it's used productively, to change the world in a positive way. It's part of what keeps you going, what fuels you. I don't know what I would have done with all those feelings, and emotions!" says the former refugee, now the activities programmer and organizer of the Run for Rights.

Simbandumwe, now 42, was born in Burundi and came from Kenya as a refugee with her parents when she was 11. "There were mass killings in our country -- estimates range up to half a million, and some of them were our close relatives. There were many people on my mom's side, though we found out my grandmother was not targeted (because she was uneducated) and my aunt we thought was dead, was alive.

Amnesty International systematically tracks human rights violations, and the grassroots members across the world write their fingers off. Every second Tuesday Louise and other Amnesty International members in Winnipeg use their anger as fuel for good. They get together and write authorities of countries through their Urgent Action Network asking them to reconsider cases of people, many of them political prisoners, locked up in jails around the world, some being abused and tortured, many all but forgotten.

They don't rail in anger at authorities, as that kind of raging is counterproductive. Instead they ask that people have access to lawyers and medical attention, that allegations of torture be investigated, and in some cases that prisoners are released immediately and unconditionally.

"In 30 to 40 per cent of the cases, at least one thing we ask for happens. But in other cases we haven't been successful and people have died in jail," she says sadly.

Are Winnipeggers outraged, or do they look the other way? Recently Amnesty Winnipeg held a workshop series called Outrage to Action and quickly filled up half a dozen classes to capacity. The T-shirts they sold flew out the door. If you want to put your outrage into action, go to their website www.amnestywinnipeg.ca or call 786-2480.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

So what exactly happens inside an anger management class? Are furious people whomping pillows with Wiffle bats? Role-playing nasty fights with each other? Calming themselves with yoga mantras?

None of the above. At Bergen and Associates Counselling, they're meeting with a guy called Rod Minaker for seven hours spread over a couple of sessions. Minaker sees some women, but at this point way more men have gotten into trouble with anger problems -- legal or otherwise. Clients are anywhere from 20 to 75 years old. You heard me. Some people have been angry all their lives.

"A lot of the guys are just like Batman," says Minaker. '"Batman's parents were killed by thugs so he tries to get thugs back, but it doesn't satisfy his need."

Minaker says the first part of the process is getting past the defences of people who don't want to see his face at all. At first sessions there's a lot of crossed arms and attitudes. Many class members have been told to be there by courts, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses or an employer.

"Some of them come in with the attitude of 'Okay, I'll take my lumps,' " says the 40-something teddy bear of a guy. He's easy to talk to, but no easy mark. The man has a Master of Arts in Counselling/Psychology and uses a coaching style with his groups.

So what happens when rage-aholics are finally stuck there face-to-face with the coach? "First I have to move them from a place of not owning the behaviour, saying 'I'm not angry' to a place of taking ownership of that anger." One of the exercises Minaker uses is to role-play the two warring sides of an rage-aholic's personality with somebody in the class. He shows how the person is "not being a good friend to himself" by refusing to acknowledge the anger boiling inside. Pushing it down feels terrible -- and it leads to frightening explosions.

"Wrath is a condition of feeling powerless," says Minaker. "A lot of men cover up their hurt with anger. We need places to be vulnerable, as guys," says Minaker. We also need places for women to be angry because they cover up anger with hurt." And, both sexes with repressed anger problems don't identify the heating anger until it's boiling out of control.

Minaker's sessions show people how to identify that anger at an early stage, and gives them the tools to work with it before it blows sky high. Many people voluntarily go on to do one-on-one counselling to work on their issues.

Minaker loves a good quote, and here's his parting shot: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned" -- courtesy of that tranquility master, Buddha.

To enquire about upcoming anger management classes in July, call 275-1045 or visit the website www.bergenandassociates.ca.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 27, 2010 A10