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Chill out with helpful tips

Even computers are melting down

By: Doug Speirs

Posted: 07/4/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0

Cole Breiland / Winnipeg Free Press Michael Rados actually enjoys the heat as he scores a goal against his friend Raja Phangureh while playing street hockey.

I am not designed for this kind of weather.

What with being a husky guy -- the kind of guy who, whenever he slips into a Speedo and goes to the beach, is mobbed by well-intentioned Greenpeace activists trying to drag him back in the water -- I turn into 300 pounds of melting lard when Mother Nature's temperature dial is ratcheted up to blast furnace.

Big-boned guys like me are at our best wallowing in the depths of a bone-chilling, soul-destroying Winnipeg winter, when, even if (why not?) we decide to go for a sleigh ride in our birthday suits, our natural God-given insulation keeps us as warm and comfortable as a strawberry Pop-Tart in a toaster oven.

The truth is no one functions effectively in sweltering conditions like we are enduring at the moment, even if, technically speaking, they aren't human. I say this because moments ago, when I signed on to the media-monitoring website that houses our old news stories, I was greeted with the following sweat-stained digital warning:

"Our broadcast content provider has experienced a serious air conditioning failure at their primary data centre in New York City. The temperature in this data centre is rising dramatically and, to prevent permanent damage of hardware, they are powering down the servers capturing Canadian content... air-conditioning mechanics are on the scene!"

But the mere fact it is crazy hot is not today's point. Today's point is we all need a few helpful, practical hints for beating this (bad word) heat, such as...

1) Hide in the shade with your loved ones playing a cool game wherein they are awarded 10 points every time they spot a bird bursting into flames in mid-air;

2) Assemble 10 or 20 of your closest friends or co-workers in a large circle, pack their noses with ice, then wait for the person facing you to sneeze;

3) Dress yourself in fluorescent colours from head to toe, march down to the local supermarket and climb into a freezer in the frozen-food aisle. When an apron-wearing clerk spots you and orders you to get out, inform them, politely but firmly, that you are a Popsicle and have a right to spend time with your real family;

4) Find the largest cardboard box you can, cover it liberally with stamps, then hop inside and mail yourself to Iceland;

5) After you discover Iceland is not nearly as cold as you were hoping it would be, poke a few more breathing holes in your cardboard box and redirect yourself to Greenland;

6) Wear half a watermelon as a helmet, even if (forgive me) it means being mistaken for a Saskatchewan Roughriders fan;

7) Turn your dryer to the "cool" setting, throw in a few ice cubes for good measure, then climb in, close the door and tumble around until you feel like a vodka martini;

8) While we're on the topic, if you can still stand up straight after getting out of the dryer, make yourself a vodka martini, because you (bad word) earned it;

9) Soak your underwear in the bathtub, put it in the freezer for a few hours, then see if it will stick to your body the way your tongue sticks to a metal fence in winter;

10) Go to a movie in the buff in the afternoon and comfort yourself with the realization no one will notice because you have camouflaged your medically sensitive areas with a large popcorn container and a package of gummy bears;

11) Fly to Ottawa, stride into the Parliament Buildings and tell the security personnel: "I want to sit next to a politician because I hear they are extremely shady!"

12) After you are arrested by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service, demand to be water-boarded;

13) Deflect the sun's rays back into space by wrapping your entire body in tinfoil. Sure, you'll look like a giant baked potato, but it'll be worth it;

14) Tell your boss you've become a vampire and can only work nights;

15) Drink your weight in water. Make sure to do this while standing in your backyard in an inflatable kiddie pool;

16) Tape record Morgan Freeman's soothing voice, then play it back while pretending to be one of the stars in March of the Penguins. You should also wear a tuxedo;

17) Strip down and sit in your car in the garage. If you have vinyl seats, bring a spatula, or you'll be stuck there forever.

18) Your new motto... "Spritz! Spritz! Spritz!"

Follow these tips to the letter and you'll have no problem keeping your cool. Above all, please, remember to stay calm ... because air-conditioning mechanics are on the scene!

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 4, 2012 A2

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