Don't make any rash moves until you find out the truth

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been seeing a man who's engaged to another girl, and I intend to help him break up with her this week. We have a relationship that's so hot and intimate that his love is growing for me in leaps and bounds every day. He comes over to my place five evenings out of seven for my love and affection. He tells me he's crazy about me. His fiancée lives in another province right now and she is going to university there, leaving him alone and lonely. That's how I know she doesn't really love him. I am HERE for him. I hold him, kiss him, make love to him, and do wild things in bed he says SHE would never do for him. I know her name and I have a letter ready to Facebook message her that tells her he loves me, not her. This is the problem: I'm scared she'll fly back here and try to rip him away from me, and he is MINE now. He's scared to tell her anything bad, because his parents and hers are friends and both are very wealthy and powerful, just like in the movies. Why doesn't he stand up to this girl and to his parents about me? Do you think he will he be happy I did the break up for him in the end? -- His True Lover, River Heights

Dear True Lover: You sound very young. Look, don't make any rash moves. You need to find out if "crazy about you" means sexually or emotionally. I hate to tell you this, but this guy may think of you as his last hot fling before he gets married. Has he ever said the words "I love you"? Is he REALLY too scared to break up with the woman his parents are expecting him to marry, or does he not want to? The truth has to come out between you two now, not after you Facebook message his girlfriend. Then two generations are going to be freaking out. Either this guy is a weakling who can't stand up to his wealthy parents and does love you, or he's just a two-timer and is having a whale of a time having side-dish sex with you. By the way, does it not occur to you that this guy could just as well cheat on you one day, if you won him over?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How should one deal with liars who cause family estrangement? My sister lies pretty consistently. It's hard to tell what is truth or fiction anymore. How sad is it to tell your kids their own grandparents wished they were never born, which is an absolute lie? In fact, it was the biological father's parents who wanted abortion. That's just one huge, sad example. I feel like I'm caught in the middle because I do get along with my family. Sometimes we get the privilege of a phone call or visit every few years from my sister, who seems to be very unhappy with her own life choices and marriage. But we usually get the short end of the stick from her. My sister's kids, of course, either believe these lies and try to be loyal to their mother, or just have their own other issues to deal with. Do these liars need to be challenged or just left alone? What to do -- hope it resolves itself? I'm tired of dwelling on this unhappy situation. -- Stuck in the Middle, Winnipeg.

Dear Stuck: The relationship with your sister comes second to the children's good. These kids should not live their whole lives thinking their grandparents wanted them aborted, when it's not true. Risk the last shred of popularity with your sister by at least telling the kids their grandparents wanted them alive and in their lives, and their mom is not telling the truth on this point. No doubt the kids' bio-grandparents have nothing to do with them. But the kids might salvage a relationship with their mother's parents, if they don't have one. When the kids are old enough to come visit you without their mother, let them know you want a relationship with them, and your door is open for visits and friendship. They can phone you, too, even now. So what if your sister is angry with you and your relationship is in chaos? You can't wreck a wreck. Often it's best to give up on close relationships with people who are habitual liars. The less you have to do with them, the less likely they will tell be able to lies about you to people of importance in your life.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 23, 2012 A14