Don't make Dad feel stupid

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There are some great ideas here for Father�s Day, including building Dad his very own hovercraft.

ATTENTION YOUNG PEOPLE: Sorry for shouting, but I need to remind you it's that time of year again.

That's right, there are only two more sleeps until Father's Day, and you know what that means. It means you have to ask yourselves a difficult question, namely: "I wonder if those DNA results have arrived yet."

Because the truth is, young people, it wouldn't hurt to have some scientific evidence to prove that big tub of goo with the gigantic salsa stain in the middle of his AC/DC T-shirt is, in fact, your real dad.

Seriously, take a look at yourselves. You are young and hip, a veritable social-media hurricane. Now look at Dad. He's over there on the couch, snoring like a runaway locomotive, assuming that locomotive hasn't exercised since 1978 and spends every weekend in its "lucky underpants" and a ratty bathrobe dusted with orange crumbs from a crumpled bag of Cheetos.

The real question you need to ask, young people, is this: Is it possible someone as hip and happening as you sprang from those flabby loins? And, while we're on the topic, what exactly are loins? Do modern people still have them and, if so, how, using words that can appear in a family newspaper, do people spring from them?

Unfortunately, we don't have time to answer those questions, young people. Because, unless you have DNA evidence to the contrary, you need to start thinking about what to give Dad this year to thank him for the invaluable life lessons he's taught you, such as the importance of buying low and selling high, or hitting left-handed against right-handed pitching.

Fortunately, as a public service, I have scoured hundreds of news stories, all of which say the same thing -- the hottest Father's Day gift this year is any high-tech gadget that Dad, even if terrorists were pointing loaded weapons at his head, could never operate in a million years.

So forget what the experts are recommending, young people. The truth is, the last thing Dad wants in the house is another computerized gizmo or appliance that is smarter than he is. How do you think it makes Dad feel knowing that, in terms of IQ, he ranks below your toaster and microwave oven?

It makes him feel even worse than the moment he realized that, unless one his kids was still in the house, he could not figure out which of the three remote controls in the den turns on the TV.

In my opinion, young people, what you need to give Dad this year is something simple, something low-tech, something that will tell him that, even though he looks more like Jabba the Hutt every year, deep down he is a sensitive guy who cares about you almost as much as he cares about who the Winnipeg Jets pick in the first round of the upcoming NHL entry draft.

What I'm trying to say here, kids, is this year you need to give Dad his very own hovercraft.

I am not kidding. I base this gift advice on an awesome article I have just finished reading in the June edition of Wired magazine, which, in big block letters on the front cover, screams: How to be a GEEK DAD!"

In this article, Adam Savage, one of the uber-geek hosts of the Discovery Network's Mythbusters TV show, details how to build 14 projects that will make Dad the envy of all the other dads on the block, including a homemade catapult he can use to fling patio blocks at that neighbour who refuses to return his snowblower.

But the coolest project is a working hovercraft, which you can make using a sheet of 3/4-inch plywood, a leaf blower, a couple of rolls of duct tape, some foam pipe insulation, assorted screws and an old shower curtain.

"The air escaping from the shower curtain... will be the cushion that puts the hover in your craft," it advises. Before Dad can ride it, however, you need to bolt on an old plastic patio chair. I would caution everyone patio chairs can be extremely dangerous. I say this because the other weekend, while entertaining friends, I sat on a patio chair in our backyard and one of the legs slipped off the patio and plunged into a mushy part of the lawn. The leg immediately sank into the mire, sending me, still clutching a cold beer, toppling onto the grass at the exact spot where one of our dogs had just deposited a small surprise.

So get cracking, young people. That hovercraft is not going to build itself. For safety reasons, remember to look in your mail box first. Because, if you're lucky, those DNA results have finally arrived.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 15, 2012 A2