Doug Speirs' New Year's guide to all things hip and hot

OK, kids, I'd like you to put this newspaper down for a moment, stagger into your bathroom, stare in the mirror, and ask your reflection an extremely difficult question.

The question is this: Are you ready to face the new year?

What? You are ready? Ha ha ha! Get out of my sight! Your arrogance sickens me! The fact you THINK you are ready proves you could not be less ready.

Fortunately, like every year at this time, I am riding to your rescue with my annual guide to things that are cool, hot, happening, hip and trendy in a sincere effort to make you as "with it" as I am.

So, unless you're resigned to being tired, old-hat, passe and out of touch with the latest trends, drop whatever you are doing (unless it's a scalding cup of coffee or a baby) because here's my list for 2012:

OUT -- Quinoa

IN -- Cardboard

BECAUSE -- I am basing this mostly on taste, but also sheer blind anger over the fact so many people are willing to shovel this inexplicably trendy stuff into their cake holes despite the fact (a) they have no idea what it is; and (b) not a clue how to pronounce it.

OUT -- Road rage

IN -- Car-mounted lasers

BECAUSE -- There is no (bad word) point getting all (very bad word) worked up because some (word that will never appear in a family newspaper even if terrorists are holding the editors at gunpoint) jerk in a 1973 Dodge Shadow put the pedal to the metal to get in front of you and then immediately slowed down to the speed of airport luggage if you can't do anything about it. So this year, we do not lose our temper. This year, we just flip the switch on our Auto Avenger Laser Beam of Doom and... Zzzzzzzap!

OUT -- Internet abbreviations

IN -- Real words

BECAUSE -- Listen, BFF, I know it's LOL to use acronyms, but WIBAMU and BTAIM in RL we like to use actual words once in awhile. Try it! ASAP!

OUT -- Charlie Sheen

IN -- Going to the zoo

BECAUSE -- If we want to see Tiger's blood, we'd rather it was contained inside an actual tiger.

OUT -- Reality shows about losers rummaging around in storage units, visiting pawnshops or baking cupcakes

IN -- Shows featuring people who get paid to act

BECAUSE -- TV has always been our best friend and we refuse to sit around and do nothing while it bottoms out by engaging in disgusting, self-destructive behaviours, such as hanging out with the Kardashians.

OUT -- Vampires

IN -- Zombies

BECAUSE -- Look, we used to love vampires. Vampires were cool. Who wouldn't want to stay up all night and turn into a bat whenever you wanted? But the only power modern vampires have is the power to brood and wear way too much hair gel. Sure, zombies lack sex appeal and move slower than a small jungle creature passing through the digestive tract of a python, but eating brains is way cooler than eating quinoa.

OUT -- Tweeting pictures of your privates

IN -- Keeping your junk in your trunk

BECAUSE - Some things are just plain wrong, especially if your last name happens to be Weiner.

OUT -- Donald Trump's hair

IN -- Putting a dead woodland creature on your head

BECAUSE -- It will look better and, chances are, it will not creep us out by threatening to run for president.

OUT -- Occupying random spaces

IN -- Spacing random occupiers

BECAUSE -- Sure, I think it's cool to pitch a tent in a public park and roast marshmallows for months on end to prove to the world that you are a loser without a job, but here's an idea: Make a sign (either for or against something), get a few friends and march down the street. It worked in the '60s, and I'll bet your mom and dad still have a few tie-dye shirts they can lend you.

OUT -- Flooding

IN -- Beach parties

BECAUSE -- It's all in how you look at things. So instead of sandbags, shovels and sump pumps, let's stock up on steel drum bands, limbo poles and cold beer because, move over flood plain, we're getting ready to ride the waves at Hoop and Holler Spring Beach Bonanza 2012.

OUT -- Planking

IN -- Lying motionless on the couch

BECAUSE -- It's no longer hip to have your photograph taken while you lie face down, stiff as a board, in an unusual location with your hands rigid at your sides. If we want to see people who look dead, we can just watch question period on TV.

OUT -- Getting bent out of shape when we lose to the Russians in hockey

IN -- Being good sports

BECAUSE -- Just kidding. Seriously, we're Canadians, and that's totally "in" this year.

doug.speirs @freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 6, 2012 A2