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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Drunks and a movie -- a sobering thought

By: Doug Speirs

Posted: 01/23/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0 (including replies)

Now that they've wrestled the economy to the ground, our political leaders have finally found the courage to tackle an even more pressing issue, namely giving moviegoers the right to enjoy alcohol as they watch the latest Hollywood blockbusters.

Unless you've been passed out on the couch for the last couple of weeks, you will recall the province and the liquor commission recently amended our liquor rules to pave the way for a major movie exhibitor to serve booze in three adults-only VIP screening rooms in the works at a local multiplex.

Well, I for one will drink to that, forward-thinking provincial bureaucrats. I think we can all agree the only thing missing from the modern moviegoing experience is the fact there just aren't enough drunk people in the audience.

Of course, I'm politically astute enough to realize not everyone is as broad-minded as I am. There are bound to be a few naysayers.

What these people need to realize, however, is these innovative changes will not be a problem for them. No, I think it's safe to say that, based on solid scientific evidence, inebriated movie patrons will only be a problem for me.

I say this because my body gives off powerful but invisible rays that compel lethally obnoxious people to sit immediately in front of me or behind me on buses, airplanes, and most especially in darkened movie theatres.

I am literally a (bad word) magnet for these people. I am referring to people who, the second the house lights go down and a movie starts, automatically pull out their cellphones and engage in vitally important conversations.

"Sure, I can talk," they always say in a shout-whisper that can be heard in outer space. "I'm just watching a movie."

Being a Canadian, I register my displeasure via the technique of quietly rolling my eyeballs back in my head.

"Ha ha ha," they will laugh. "Ooooh, we're almost at the part where Tom Cruise's head explodes."

If they are sitting in front of me, their state-of-the-art cellphone will blast my eyes with the high-intensity beams of light they used to use to search for escaped PoWs.

If they are sitting behind me, they will also possess mutant kneecaps the size of recreational vehicles which they will slam into the back of my chair at random intervals to ensure I don't nod off and snore during key points in the movie.

So will it really make things worse if these people are also allowed to knock back a few alcoholic beverages while sitting in their high-backed leather chairs in an "executive-style" VIP theatre? So what if, because of the invisible rays coming from my body, they are compelled to engage in drunk-dialling in the middle of Mission Impossible XXXIV? "Ooooh," they will gurgle shakily into their phones while draining a martini, "thish ish the part where Tom Croosh's head blowsh up... BLAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!"

Look, I'm not saying there won't be problems. The already long lineups at the snack bar will be even worse because patrons, along with deciding whether they want real butter or a petroleum-based substance slathered on their popcorn, will now have to decide whether they want red or white wine or domestic or imported champagne.

But we must not lose sight of the upside: Theatres will rake in a little more cash, and wobbly patrons, after a few too many margaritas, will come up with some really clever new ways to use their extra-large popcorn buckets.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 23, 2012 A2

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