Fear not Friday the 13th

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Fun-loving Fred Morrison tosses his invention, originally called a Pluto Platter, in this photo taken in 1957. (WORMHOLE PUBLISHERS / THE ASSOCIATED PRESS ARCHIVES)

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Squirrel Appreciation Day is fast approaching. (CNS NATIONALGEOGRAPHIC.COM (MAND)

For anyone who doesn't own a calendar, a computer or a newspaper, I am going to perform a valuable public service and point out that today is Friday the 13th.

This is the day when calm and rational people traditionally put on crash helmets and refuse to leave their homes because they do not want to have black cats cross their paths, walk under ladders or risk breaking a mirror, which would result in either seven years of bad luck or pointy silver shards becoming lodged in their spleens.

People behave in this manner partly because they are superstitious but mainly because they are what members of the scientific community refer to as "borderline morons." People in the scientific community can be extremely rude because they are tired of "normal people" making fun of their pocket protectors.

But that is not the point. The point is -- get ready to be impressed by my ability to Google random facts -- under the Gregorian calendar, we get at least one, and at most three, Friday the 13ths a year, and any month's 13th day will fall on a Friday if the month starts on a Sunday.

Is that fascinating, or what? (Answer: No, not really.) What we really need to ask is: Why are people paralyzed by fear on this day? I think we can safely blame this phenomenon on the Friday the 13th horror movie franchise of slasher films wherein teenagers with brains the size of radishes engage in harmless teenage activities, such as (why not?) visiting an abandoned summer camp, and end up butchered by axes, knives, crossbows and pointed sticks wielded by "Jason," a masked actor who is "cursed" because he has been forced to appear in cheesy movies with a bunch of idiot teenagers.

The truth is, Friday the 13th has unfairly been given a bad rap (I am referring to the day, not the movies, which are even worse than I have described). The time has come for us to rehabilitate the day's image by celebrating wonderful historical events for which it deserves to be recognized.

For example, on Jan. 13, 1957, the world's first plastic flying discs, then called Pluto Platters and later renamed Frisbees by the Wham-O Company, were introduced, eventually leading to the invention of the stepladder to retrieve the discs from a neighbour's roof. On the upside, it also led to the discovery of the following historically significant joke on the Internet:

"I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me!"

Chuckle if you must, but we need to move on to Jan. 13, 1942, when German test pilot Helmut Schenk reportedly became the first person to escape from a stricken aircraft using an ejection seat.

This was a major invention for a large portion of humanity, by which I mean women, all of whom have fervently dreamed of owning vehicles equipped with James-Bond-style seats that could be deployed with the press of a button to eject creepy first dates or stubborn spouses who refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Husband (scowling): "We are NOT lost, sweetie."

Wife (punching a red button): "Whatever you say, dear."

Husband (blasting off): "Aiyeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"

There are many more thrilling events to mark on this date, not the least of which is the arrival in the New World in 1733 of British general and MP James Oglethorpe, who founded the colony of Georgia, famous for growing tasty peaches and hosting both the Masters golf tournament along with the largest poultry convention in the world.

Also, Johnny Cash performed live at Folsom Prison on this day in 1968.

In doing the extensive research for this column, I stumbled on several other significant dates to brighten up the rest of a forlorn month, all of which you will have a hard time believing I did not make up. For example, tomorrow (Jan. 14) is National Hot Pastrami Sandwich Day, whereas Jan. 18 is Winnie the Pooh Day and next Friday (Jan. 20) is Penguin Awareness Day.

At my house, however, we are holding our breath waiting for Jan. 21, which, as most of you pet owners already know, is Squirrel Appreciation Day, founded by Christy Hargrove, a licensed wildlife rehabilitator in North Carolina. This is a day on which dogs, when they spot a cheeky squirrel while walking in the park, are allowed to appreciate the moment by ripping their owner's arm out via the socket, then bound away with the severed arm still clinging to the leash.

In conclusion, I strongly urge everyone to get out today and make their own luck. Why not go for a pleasant drive with your spouse? Remind her not to touch that red button on the dashboard.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 13, 2012 A2