Fix something in home without destroying marriage

It was 8 a.m. and the wiener dog and I were still tucked safely in bed, snoring like runaway locomotives, savouring the last few moments of sleep the way other people savour a big, juicy steak.Suddenly -- and this was without warning, too -- the frantic bleeping of the bedside phone jolted us half-awake. Groggily, I slapped the handset to my ear and grunted some manner of greeting.

"Grglphfrmph?" I muttered.

"HEY, DOUG! IT'S MONDAY MORNING!" the voices on the other end of the line shouted in unison. The voices were perky. They were happy. I hated these voices.

The voices belonged to QX 104 FM's Waking Crew -- Caroline Hunter, Troy Westwood and Mookie Wilson. I'm a guest on their show every Monday morning. Together, we form a crackerjack unit. As professional media persons, we have a system. It works like this:

1) I lie in bed, snoring, every Monday and forget I am supposed to be on the radio;

2) The alert gang from 104, jacked to the gills on caffeine, calls to remind me;

3) Stark naked, I lurch out of bed, tuck the phone under my chin, then use one hand to pluck the wiener dog off the pillow and plop it on the floor, while using the other hand to pull on my ratty green bathrobe;

4) Then I make professional radio comments such as "Huh?" or "What?" because I can't hear a thing over the sound of the wiener dog and the basset hound barking at nuclear blast level until I can cram biscuits in their slobbering mugs.

Anyway, this Monday, after the dogs stopped howling, I was able to hear Caroline Hunter asking me questions about one of the most divisive topics in modern society, an issue that threatens to rip many marriages apart.

This troubling issue is: home repairs. Caroline wanted to know my feelings on this issue because she had just finished a big home-repair project and -- she was extremely proud about this fact -- had done it WITHOUT killing her significant other.

Now, if you cannot imagine how a petty thing such as fixing something up around your home can result in a potentially life-threatening argument, then I think it's obvious that you have never had a spouse.

As I explained to Caroline, the problem is simple: Her significant other, like myself, is a guy, and when it comes to tackling problem areas around the home, men and women take radically different approaches.

Take a simple job such as rewiring your bathroom. Your typical woman will want to handle this task via the complex method of (1) showing you the problem area and explaining that if you, the man of the house, tried to fix it you would obviously electrocute yourself; and (2) Call in an entirely different guy, a guy she trusts because, face it, he is not you, and hand him a large box of money to fix the problem area.

Surprisingly, some men will see this as a threat to the aura of studliness they have been trying to cultivate since someone stuck their heads in the toilet in Grade 8 simply because they were a member of the audiovisual club. Not that this happened to anyone I know.

What I'm saying is, if renovations or repairs are required in the home, men instinctively know what to do, even if they have received no professional training. Your typical man, after being alerted to a home-repair crisis, will immediately stride over to the problem area. And when I say "immediately," I mean "just as soon as he's finished reading the sports section."

If he recognizes the problem, a man will frown at it with great concern. (Note to female readers: This is the same look a man will adopt when he is trying to convince you that he's actually reading the thoughtful greeting card you have just given him for your anniversary, which apparently, ha ha ha, slipped his mind.)

At this point, you, Mr. Handyman, are legally required to engage your spouse in the following discussion intended to find the best way to tackle the problem:

You: "Don't worry, honey. It's supposed to make that noise."

Your wife: "Did you notice there are FLAMES and SMOKE shooting out of the electrical outlet?"

You: "Well, I guess I could put a coat of paint on it."

Your wife: "You're an idiot!!!"

You: "If I wrap it up in duct tape, it'll be as good as new."

Wife: "I could have married a doctor, you know."

Anyway, I hope that clears things up for all you do-it-yourselfers out there. I know Caroline really appreciated hearing a man's point of view. I have a lot more opinions on this topic, but I really have to go.

Our lava lamp appears to have caught fire, and I'm not sure where I left my roll of duct tape.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 13, 2010 A2