How can I make Mr. Clean know I'm not a dirty girl?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm angry at my boyfriend, whom I call Mr. Clean. After we make love, he can't wait to jump in the shower. I mean he's out of the bed and practically running down the hall to the shower. It's like the soapy water might save him from a life-threatening disease. Yet he knows he is my first sex partner. What is his PROBLEM? I have asked him, and he says, "No problem. I just like to be clean and fresh. Why don't you go take a shower too?" Frankly, I don't WANT to take a shower right away. I want to drift down slowly in the afterglow a woman experiences after making love. But I go take the shower because I don't want to be considered the opposite of clean and fresh. I'm not sure I want to stay with Mr. Clean if he's going to continue like this. What do you think? Is this abnormal? I don't know what normal is, being so new at sex. -- Not a Dirty Girl! East Kildonan

Dear Not Dirty: This is not common behaviour for a man. There's something cold about leaving a woman alone in bed immediately after making love to her because showering is so much more important. Some couples get up after a bit and have a warm shower together, but usually there's cuddling first. A lot of young men don't understand a woman truly does drift down, while most guys land back in reality with a thump. Are you feeling badly because he seems to feel dirty? Perhaps you need to explain the difference to him between being dirty and being a little sweaty and happy about it. Try to find out exactly what he's thinking that propels him down that hall for a shower. Once you know that, you can talk it out and perhaps neutralize the problem. If he simply can't stop himself and you want to stay with him, at least join him in the shower instead of fuming in the bed.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The windows of my apartment's kitchen and our neighbors's bathroom are right across from one another. Last night I opened the curtains and the kitchen window to get some fresh air and saw a sign in the window of their bathroom in big black marker that said STOP PEEPING. The light was on in their bathroom and the curtains were open as usual but the sign covered up most of the window. Why don't they just close their curtains at night when they're in the bathroom if they want privacy? -- Irate Neighbour, St. Vital

Dear Irate: How do you know their curtains are always open in the bathroom at night? You are not being totally honest here. People wouldn't bother to put a sign up like that unless there was a reason.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is "in lust" with a certain porn star you can see on the web. It really gets to me. She doesn't even hide it. She laughs about this online goof and makes jokes about his size when we are in front of friends. This has been going on since October. Now some of the other wives in our crowd have looked up the guy and they even talk about him. This week, I finally had a look at him, and it was not a good feeling. Suddenly I feel so much less. When I am in bed with my wife, I have no idea how I can compete anymore. What can I do? -- Average Guy, Winnipeg

Dear Average: Your wife is probably well aware porn films play with the images to make certain parts appear enormous. In most cases, the film sex partners aren't even having sex with each other. They are simulating it, and it's all a ruse using cutaways and angles. The reason your wife still wants a normal sex life with you is because she loves you and you're warm and real, and because she knows the web stuff is silly stuff. Too bad it doesn't look silly to you. As for the oh-so-willing and wildly vocal women in porn footage, does your wife feel she has to do that stuff to please you? Likely not. Your insensitive wife obviously needs to be told it's rude and mean to carry on about this guy, especially in front of you. How would she feel if you were going on about a female porn star's attributes with your buddies in front of her? Ask her that!

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 6, 2013 A15