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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

It's in our fridges, but what exactly is it?

By: Doug Speirs

Posted: 01/9/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0 (including replies)

I developed a serious environmental concern this morning after I rolled out of bed, put on my ratty green bathrobe, and began rooting around in our refrigerator.

There, lurking behind a container of congealed gravy and the grisly remains of what was once a holiday turkey, I discovered something that strikes fear into the heart of every homeowner at this time of year.

The same thing is probably lurking in your fridge, too. The truth is -- and I am not trying to incite panic here -- there's a good chance you'll find it skulking in almost every fridge in the city.

As most of you have already deduced, I am referring here to gallons and gallons of leftover eggnog.

Throughout this city -- no, throughout this great nation of ours -- millions upon millions of homeowners are currently trying to figure out how to dispose of an ocean of slimy eggnog that has passed its best-before date.

You know the story: Before Christmas, for reasons we do not understand, a strange festive compulsion drives us to stock up on this noxious concoction, despite the fact no one we know, even if terrorists were pointing weapons at their children's heads, would willingly drink it.

I mean, without doing any actual research, what do we really know about eggnog? What is it made from? Is it 50 per cent egg and 50 per cent nog? Who invented it? What the (bad word) were they thinking?

History tells us the only person who has ever consumed it and lived to tell the tale is legendary style maven Martha Stewart, and she ended up doing time in prison. If you look on Martha's official website, there's an eggnog recipe that includes the following ingredients:

1) 3 cups bourbon;

2) 1/2 cup dark rum;

3) 2 cups cognac.

I have never spent time behind bars, but if you mix that much quality hooch with cold bathwater, it will probably be pretty appealing. But that is not today's environmental point. The environmental point is: What are we, as a nation, going to do with the ocean of expired eggnog sitting in our fridges like a ticking dairy-related timebomb?

Most of you will simply dump it down your sinks, which is foolish, because it will end up in the sewers, which, as everyone who watches TV knows, are currently home to millions of mole people and unwanted pet alligators.

Imagine what would happen if these sewer-dwelling mole people and baby alligators suddenly had access to a river of nutrient-rich eggnog. It would be awesome and we would hope it was caught on video.

But it could also have serious repercussions, so we need to find safer ways to dispose of this expired holiday beverage. Here are two possibilities:

1) In the name of science, we force certain groups -- telemarketers, lawyers and teenagers spring to mind -- to drink it. If they survive, we could test it on humans;

2) We keep it in massive storage tanks in hidden locations and threaten to release it on the world if Canada is not allowed to win hockey gold at the Olympics.

Those are just a couple of ideas worth pondering. I realize some of you disagree, and if any member of the egg community or the nog community wants to complain, I am more than willing to listen.

But you are going to have to shout, because it's really hard to hear you down there in the sewers.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 9, 2012 A2

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