I've gone to spa heaven

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Note to readers: Sisters Monica and Kristin Janzen, owners of Spalifestyle & Fashion Boutique, won the right to replace Doug Speirs today by being the highest bidders in a charity auction for the Winnipeg Humane Society. They invited Doug to spend a manly day in their spa at 2001 Henderson Hwy. Here's his unbiased report:

The truth is, we didn't have a clue what to expect.

This is because we are guys. When I say "guys," I mean manly men who spend their time drinking beer, belching and watching televised sports, even if it's just fat guys throwing darts.

And when I say "manly men," I mean myself and my buddy and Free Press colleague Ron DeLaronde. When I was invited to visit Spalifestyle in North Kildonan, I decided -- this is just the way the guy brain works -- it would be less intimidating if there was another guy to watch my back.

It was raining and cold outside when Ron and I arrived at the spa, but inside it was snug and warm. The first thing that happened was two beautiful blonde women in white lab coats, Urszula and Edyta, ushered us into a cosy room filled with flickering candles and soothing music.

After we removed our socks and lay back on spa-style reclining beds, Urszula and Edyta -- both of whom have exotic Polish accents, possibly because they were born in Poland -- popped our feet into tubs of warm, soapy lavender water.

As a professional journalist, I would have to say this felt incredible. Next, the licensed estheticians frowned at our feet in a thoughtful manner. I will admit my feet are not my best feature. I asked Urszula her professional opinion of them and she said: "You have lots of calluses on your heels, lots of dead skin. (Heavy sigh) Not too good. But your toenails are nice, not too hard to cut."

For the next 30 minutes, Ron and I relaxed as our nails were trimmed and our manly feet were filed, scraped, rubbed, massaged and coated with a variety of oils and creams. It is impossible, using mere words, to describe how good it felt to sit back and have our feet treated like kings, but I will try: It felt really, really good!

At one point, they massaged our feet with a mixture of aloe vera gel and ground pumice stone. If they had done nothing else the entire time we were there, it still would have been worth the trip. You know when you are patting a dog and you hit the sweet spot and its leg starts twitching in delight? Well, that's how Ron and I felt.

Then came the manicure, which involved Urszula and Edyta trimming our fingernails and applying more lotions and creams and massaging our hands. Male readers are going to have a hard time believing this, but apparently your hands and feet are actually sensual organs. Who knew?

"Women are a lot smarter than men," Ron pointed out before we became so relaxed we lost the power to speak. "This is the life. I didn't know it would feel this good. Forget golf and going out with the boys, this is so much better."

Which is when Urszula and Edyta laughed a knowing laugh and said: "Ha ha ha! Just wait for the facial."

And they weren't kidding. I can't remember all the steps that went into the facial, but it included more gels, toners sprayed on in fine mists, exfoliation -- which is when your skin is replaced with better-looking skin -- a serum to open your pores, an electronic wand to close them and a face, neck and shoulder massage that should last forever.

If that's not enough, while they did this our hands were encased in bags of hot, moisturizing wax. Why? Who cares! If Ron and I had been any more relaxed, we would have been clinically dead. And that would have been OK, because when the police found our bodies, we would have been smiling.

At one point -- I can't remember exactly when -- we asked Urszula and Edyta to marry us. They just laughed, which I hope means they are considering it. The crazy thing is, our wives will understand, because women know how amazing all this spa stuff feels.

Two hours later, when it was all over, Ron and I were reluctant to leave.

"You look great, Ron," I told him as we headed to our cars.

"You look 25 years younger, Doug," Ron replied.

Then we drove home to show our new super-soft skin to our wives. And we'd be happy to show you, too. Especially our feet.

Because Ron and I will NEVER wear shoes again!

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 1, 2010 A2