Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Key of Bart -- Ice? Ice? Crazy

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Ice? Ice? Crazy.

With apologies to Vanilla Ice.


Ice? Ice? Crazy. Ice? Nice. Maybe.


My water stopped. Copper pipe froze over.

Ground's as cold as below Mars Rover

Frost penetrating way too deeply

Two metres down and you know it's creepy

Winter ever stop? Yo -- I don't know

Turn up the heat and maybe it'll go

Extreme, I blame the polar vortex

Gotta brain freeze in my cerebral cortex


Dig! Excavate my street

Pipe down there needs an injection of heat

Steady! Dealing with electricity

Current too high? Well that connection is history

Bring it, I need it, the thawing machine

Better plug it in, if you know what I mean

If there is a problem, Yo, just fix it

Send me water bill? Sam Katz better nix it!


Ice? Ice? Crazy. Ice? Nice. Maybe.

Ice? Ice? Crazy. Ice? Nice. Maybe.


Now, that I can't take showers

When I go to work, all my colleagues glower

What is the point, is the point, to living

In a climate so damn unforgiving

Being here ain't so nice and easy

Blizzards and floods and the wind so breezy

Brown water summer and the ice right now

And I'm asking myself if it's time to say ciao!

Freezin', at the bus stop? Worst!

Shelter door is broken and the wind chill hurts

Booked a flight on standby, just on a chance

Did I go? No! I couldn't wash my pants!

At my wit's end and I'm ready to drop

But the thawing machine is on the next block

Oh my god! It's here? My water is working!

Don't be afraid - No I won't start twerking.


Adapted from Ice Ice Baby, written by Vanilla Ice, DJ Earthquake and Queen and recorded by Vanilla Ice in 1989.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 1, 2014 ??65534

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About Bartley Kives

Bartley Kives wants you to know his last name rhymes with Beavis, as in Beavis and Butthead. He aspires to match the wit, grace and intelligence of the 1990s cartoon series.

Bartley joined the Free Press in 1998 as a music critic. He spent the ensuing 7.5 years interviewing the likes of Neil Young and David Bowie and trying to stay out of trouble at the Winnipeg Folk Festival before deciding it was far more exciting to sit through zoning-variance appeals at city hall.

In 2006, Bartley followed Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz from the music business into civic politics. He spent seven years covering city hall from a windowless basement office.

He is now reporter-at-large for the Free Press and also writes an outdoor-recreation column called Offroad for the Outdoors page.

A canoeist, backpacker and food geek, Bartley is fond of conventional and wilderness travel. He is the author of A Daytripper’s Guide to Manitoba: Exploring Canada’s Undiscovered Province, the only comprehensive travel guidebook for Manitoba – and a Canadian bestseller, to boot. He is also co-author of Stuck In The Middle: Dissenting Views of Winnipeg, a collaboration with photographer Bryan Scott and the winner of the 2014 Carol Shields Winnipeg Book Award.

Bartley’s work has also appeared on CBC Radio and Citytv as well as in publications such as The Guardian, explore magazine and National Geographic Traveler. He sits on the board of PEN Canada, which promotes freedom of expression.

Born in Winnipeg, he has an arts degree from the University of Winnipeg and a master’s degree in journalism from Ottawa’s Carleton University. He is the proud owner of a blender.

On Twitter: @bkives


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