Need to sizzle up your life?

This meaty issue was dropped on our plates today because we have just received the results of a shocking survey commissioned by the folks at Maple Leaf Foods, who expect to win several Nobel Prizes for their newest invention -- premium bacon in a re-closable package.

Get ready to be stunned, because, according to the Angus Reid survey of 1,006 randomly selected adults, 43 per cent of Canadians (including 42 per cent of women) said they love bacon more than sex.

As a journalism professional, I find these results shocking. I would have expected the numbers to be much higher and we will discuss that in a minute, but first here are a few more astonishing pro-bacon findings:

"ö Nearly one in four respondents (23 per cent) from Manitoba and Saskatchewan have wondered if "my partner loves bacon more than me;"

"ö Asked to rank aromas (vanilla, spice, floral, musk) by preference, 23 per cent of men rated bacon No. 1;

"ö Four out of five respondents (82 per cent) who said they love bacon also said they're good lovers.

What are we, as a nation, to make of such results? Well, I for one accept them without question.

I'm not a research scientist but, off the top of my head, I can think of several reasons why bacon is better than sex, such as:

"ö Regardless of your age, you can have bacon more than once a day;

"ö Bacon may be a little cold at first, but it warms up really quickly;

"ö You will never get arrested for having bacon in the back seat of your car;

"ö Bacon never gets a headache;

"ö If you forget its birthday, bacon will not make you sleep on the couch;

"ö Bacon will not get upset if you tell it you want to see other breakfast foods;

"ö If you drive bacon home from the grocery store, it will still be happy to see you when you open the trunk;

"ö Bacon will not get jealous if you sandwich it between a couple of real hot tomatoes;

"ö Bacon will not judge you;

"ö Bacon looks as hot today as it did when you were a kid;

"ö If you enjoy bacon outside your own home, no one will hit you with a golf club;

"ö Bacon ALWAYS sizzles;

"ö You can eat bacon by yourself and not feel ashamed;

"ö It's never wrong to watch a bacon strip;

"ö If you wake up in the morning craving bacon, you're normal;

"ö You can keep bacon in the fridge;

"ö You can eat bacon and watch football on a big-screen TV at the SAME time;

"ö Bacon's parents don't hate you;

"ö Just because you've put on a few pounds, bacon won't complain you're not the man it married;

"ö Bacon won't demand to know why you didn't get home until breakfast;

"ö You can crumble bacon over a salad;

"ö If you split up with bacon, it won't steal your record collection;

"ö If once, one measly time, and it was not your fault, you couldn't eat bacon, your self-esteem won't be shattered;

"ö If, while eating bacon, you accidentally shout the name of another breakfast food, you don't have to explain;

"ö No one feels pressured to smoke after bacon.

Out of journalistic fairness, I asked my wife whether she would choose to give up bacon or sex and she said (dramatic pause) "bacon," but quickly added: "I would give up the entire pig for one night with George Clooney."

In an effort to find out more about the bacon study, I called Maple Leaf Foods and grilled their vice-president of marketing, a nice man named Adam Grogan.

Me: "Adam, were you shocked by these results?"

Adam: "In a word, yes! We knew Canadians were passionate about bacon, but I don't think we knew how passionate."

Me: "Fine: What would you choose, bacon or sex?"

Adam: "I'm pretty biased, but I'll pick Maple Leaf Bacon."

Me: "I see. And are you a married man, Adam?"

Adam: "Ha ha ha ... um ... absolutely!"

Me: "Does your wife own a frying pan, Adam?"

Adam: "???"

Me: "Just kidding. But I was wondering whether there's a chance I might be receiving free bacon in the near future?"

Adam: "Without a doubt! I'll send you a whole bunch of it!"

Me: "Adam!"

Adam: "Yes?"

Me: "I love you, man!"

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition February 5, 2010 A2