Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/1/2014 (1012 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
Every year at this time I take a break from watching sports highlights on TV, grab a pen and jot down my daring predictions for the year ahead, then I have a nap because exercising your psychic abilities can be exhausting.
Once I wake up, I wander into the kitchen, remove the large manila envelope that has been attached to my fridge with fruit-shaped magnets for the last 12 months and rip it open to see how my predictions from the previous January turned out.
So prepare to be both terrified and amazed by my supernatural gift, because here are 10 things I promised would come true in the year just ended, beginning with...
- Prediction No. 1 -- After decades of being vilified as an utterly useless political institution, the beleaguered Senate will finally get its act together in 2013 and prove to Canadians it is an essential ingredient in the modern democratic process.
- Analysis -- OK, missed that one by a hair. Technically, I might have been a little closer to the mark if I'd said the Senate would be replaced by a circus. Sure, it would still be full of clowns, but we'd save millions of dollars because they'd all be able to squeeze into one tiny car.
- Prediction No. 2 -- Inspired by playing in the posh surroundings of their brand-new state-of-the-art stadium, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers will finally cast off the ghosts of seasons past and reward their long-suffering fans with a thrilling run to the Grey Cup.
- Analysis -- In hindsight, what I meant to predict was irate Bombers fans, after several visits to the Rum Hut, would be thrilled by the fact every seat in the new stadium comes with its own cupholder.
- Prediction No. 3 -- Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz, beset by a year of scandals and gaffes, will see his personal popularity plummet and officially be declared "The Most Embarrassing Mayor in Canada."
- Analysis -- Call me overly confident, but I thought this one was a no-brainer. Curse you, Rob Ford!
- Prediction No. 4 -- Kim Kardashian and the rest of the untalented Kardashian clan will mysteriously vanish from the face of the Earth, forcing reality-TV fans to find other ways to waste time.
- Analysis -- Chalk this one up to wishful thinking, but, hey, we can still dream, can't we?
- Prediction No. 5 -- The media will do a courageous about-face, ignoring Miley Cyrus gyrating her pelvis, swinging naked on a wrecking ball and making obscene gestures with a foam finger, to concentrate instead on serious issues such as world hunger and the threat of global nuclear annihilation.
- Analysis -- Just kidding.
- Prediction No. 6 -- Former U.S. congressman Anthony Weiner, forced to resign his seat in 2011 amid a sexting scandal, will write one of the most amazing political comeback stories of all time, running away with the race to be mayor of New York City.
- Analysis -- As it turned out, Weiner's campaign imploded when he became mired in yet another sexting scandal, getting caught texting photos of his political junk and sending emails under the pseudonym "Carlos Danger." Experts could put their finger on exactly what went wrong -- but they didn't want to!
- Prediction No. 7 -- Pop superstar Justin Bieber will clean up his bad-boy image and be miraculously transformed into a goodwill ambassador for Canada.
- Analysis -- OK, even I didn't think this one would come true. But we hear his monkey is doing well.
- Prediction No. 8 -- With the demise of the penny, Canada's flabby dollar will soar to new heights and our nation will cast off its fiscal chains and claims its rightful place as an economic superpower.
- Analysis -- Fine, I was a few basis points off on this forecast, but I still think we have an extremely attractive stimulus package, and our supply curve has never looked better. Uh oh, I think my interest is accruing.
- Prediction No. 9 -- Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau will admit he smoked pot after becoming an MP, and that (hold your breath, Canada) he actually inhaled.
- Analysis -- What? I got one right! I mean, who could have guessed Trudeau tried pot. No wonder the Liberals spend so much on taco chips and dip.
- Prediction No. 10 -- I will get off the couch in the den, go to a gym for a vigorous workout, then cap things off with a healthy snack.
- Analysis -- Hold on, was that for 2013? I'm pretty sure I was gonna start this year. Possibly 2015 at the latest.