Say goodbye to kinky woman if you're not into it

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been going out with a woman for a few months. All was perfect. She had won my complete trust after a month. But now she knows I'm head-over-heels, she's starting to ask for kinky sex. I said yes to some borderline stuff like bondage and such -- no big deal. But now she wants me to dress in women's underwear and I'm choking. Last night she said, "If you loved me, you'd do what I want." I was so mad. I said, "If you loved me, you wouldn't want to humiliate me. These things aren't normal." She said, "Well my old boyfriend used to do anything I wanted because he loved me!" I took off the frilly underwear, threw it at her, and left. The problem is I miss all the rest of the relationship -- we were so compatible. But, how can I bend myself out of shape for her? It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Dear Sick Stomach: If you stayed with this woman, it would be all about her sexual needs/kicks and not about you. Look for a new woman who is similar in interests and sense of humour. You'll have to forget about the woman you just left. She needs a guy who's into the same game, and you don't have the feeling to play her submissive and wear women's underwear and pretend to be humiliated. You're simply not matched at the kinky parts. Because she's not The One, walking away doesn't mean you've lost your true love. Don't waste any more time wondering if you can turn yourself into the bedmate she wants you to be, and don't expect her to change. She doesn't want to.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This woman at work has been stealing creepy things like my change of underwear and lipsticks and change out of my desk. Finally, I started marking my change with the tiniest dots of red nail polish and I caught her with some of my marked money on the lunch table, about to be stuffed in the vending machines. I said to her, "That's my money with the nail polish marks, and YOU took it!" She broke down and started crying. She pulled me out in the hall and said, "Please don't report me. It's true, but I'm so obsessed with you; it's the only way I can have a little piece of you." That totally threw me for a loop. I knew she was lesbian, but who cares these days? I had no idea she was crazy about me. I have a boyfriend. Should I get my desk moved, report her stealing or what? -- Stymied By This, Winnipeg

Dear Stymied: Tell her you're freaked out and going to request a desk move on some other excuse, so she isn't tempted by your stuff anymore. Tell her, if it happens again, you will report her to your boss or human resources. Insist she get counselling help for the stealing aspect, and the unrequited feelings she has for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend wants sex three times a week, which he says is the national average -- and I want sex "whenever." That could be twice a day for three days and not for a whole week, or whenever the mood hits me -- indoor, outdoor, in bed or hanging from the chandelier. I don't want it Monday, Wednesday and a third time (whoopee!) on Saturday night, like clockwork. He's like a little tank engine that starts puffing and blowing after the evening news. The guy's only 26, for God's sake! Why is he acting like his dad? He's also a lazy guy, never does any cleaning, sponges money off me, and watches sports all the time. He never wants to go out! He wasn't like this in the beginning, six months ago. -- Spontaneous Woman, Winnipeg

Dear Spontaneous: Some spontaneous acts, like moving in with a lover right away, can get you in trouble. Certain sexual habits and living habits can drive another person wild. You want an egalitarian household, with the work split 50/50 and you want spontaneous sex; it isn't likely going to happen with this guy. Your boyfriend is totally predictable; he likes having a steady diet of three sex sessions a week he can count on. You could get counselling to try to make yourself less spontaneous, but do you really want that? And how do you teach a guy who likes to know what he can count on that it's fun not to know what's coming or not coming?

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 29, 2012 A12