So... I probably have some apologizing to do

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Yummy haggis!

Before we get to today's topic, which is how you can help support a wonderful charity event, I need to issue another formal apology.

I offended a large portion of the Scottish community in a column I wrote for Robbie Burns Day in which I described conducting a taste test on a can of "haggis" -- sheep's innards mixed with oatmeal and onions and then boiled in a sheep's stomach -- and stated the only members of my family who enjoyed it were my two dogs.

Talk about getting your bagpipes in a knot! I received a flood of irate emails from persons of Scottish descent who wanted to make the central point that I am an idiot. I also received kind letters from Scottish persons who invited me to attend Burns dinners and sample "fresh haggis," but most of the responses were of the sort you can't print in a family newspaper. They basically went like this:

"Dear (bad word) Jackwagon: I hate you! How dare you make fun of haggis! I have eaten haggis blah blah blah every single day blah blah and now I am the head of a major corporation. Haggis is nature's perfect food blah blah blah maybe you should stick to (very bad word) sushi blah blah Did I mention I hate you?"

Well, let me just say I've learned my lesson. I will never again make fun of a group's national dish without first checking to see if that group has easy access to computers. I have not received so many irate emails since (a) I made fun of dentists on the grounds they scare me; and (b) I made fun of bowling on the grounds I only try it once every 10 years to remind myself I hate it.

Speaking of bowling, on Wednesday at the Free Press News Café, I took part in a major tenpin charity tournament in support of Big Brothers Big Sisters Winnipeg.

Out of journalistic fairness, I should tell you we did not compete in "real bowling," as that might have resulted in crippling shin injuries for patrons attempting to enjoy lunch at the café.

What we did was play a game on the Nintendo Wii video game system, wherein instead of rolling an actual ball, you roll a virtual ball by using a wireless remote control to mimic the motions of live bowlers. All the thrilling bowling action was shown live on our website, for which I would also like to apologize to my fans in the Scottish community.

The big match pitted myself and my partner, Free Press web reporter and online personality Tania Kohut, against award-winning photographer Boris Minkevich and veteran reporter Kevin Rollason, the "angel" behind our annual Pennies from Heaven campaign.

When it comes to real bowling, I am hopeless. However, when it comes to virtual bowling, surprisingly, I am much worse. Each time I swung my arm to make my video-game character, a little girl, roll the ball, what happened was the ball would plop onto the virtual lane, sit motionless, then slowly creep forward at the speed of a small jungle creature passing through the digestive system of a boa constrictor.

Some of the patrons at the café were able to finish their lunches and pay their bills before my ball finally reached the pins, most of which remained upright. In the end, Boris the photographer ("It's all about looking good!") was the big winner. I suspect my partner, Tania, was not impressed by my performance. "It might be slightly telling that your avatar was a little girl," is what she told me later.

But that's not important. What's important is our goal was to promote Big Brothers Big Sisters' most important fundraiser of the year -- the seventh annual RBC Bowl for Kids Sake event, set for Feb. 25 at Academy Lanes, 394 Academy Rd., from 10 a.m-5 p.m.

"It's great fun and all the money goes to help mentoring children in our community," Cat Ross, the charity's fund development co-ordinator, said as she tried to cheer me up after I finished dead last in our video-game tourney.

They're hoping to raise at least $77,000 this year, up from $66,000 in 2011. So what I want all you kind-hearted bowlers to do is visit the Big Brothers Big Sisters website (bigwinnipeg.com) and sign up a team of five bowlers. Each team has to raise at least $500 in pledges, but you can do that easily online.

Then, on Feb. 25, put on matching shirts that can be seen from outer space, hit the lanes and bowl until you drop, eat some snacks, listen to music, win a few prizes and help deserving kids as you try to nail the tricky 4-6-7-10 split.

In summation, I'd like to thank bowling buffs in advance for helping out, and offer one last apology to haggis fans. I didn't meant to imply you shouldn't eat the internal organs of a sheep. I just meant to imply you might be crazy.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 27, 2012 A2