I have a burning question for you. My question is this: Are you ready for Valentine's Day?
What was that? You are ready? Ha! The mere fact you think you're ready tells me you are totally NOT ready.
The thing is, buying your beloved a cheesy greeting card and a heart-shaped box of chocolates isn't going to cut it this year, not by a long shot.
What you need is some expert advice to help you navigate the minefield of modern relationships, a road map to the human heart, if you will.
Fortunately, on Tuesday, I picked the brains of some of the hottest love doctors in the country. I am referring here to the students in Alvin Dyck's Grade 4 English class and Debbie Duncan's Grade 5 French-immersion class at Neil Campbell School in East Kildonan.
I visited the kids as part of I Love To Read Month in exchange for them squatting on the floor, wielding No. 2 pencils and scribbling their top romance tips. So get ready to get lucky, because here's what these pint-sized love gurus recommend for becoming irresistible ...
-- Tip No. 1 -- "When you take a girl on a date, look casual yet fancy. Always take a shower before a date ... Tell her a few jokes but don't overdo it. If you have calone, you can use it but don't use too much." -- Keegan, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 2 -- "Pop your peck's and see if you'll get a girlfriend ... Get a cool car." -- Marcel
-- Tip No. 3 -- "Don't be weird ... Get them a puppy." -- Madelyn, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 4 -- "Make sure he does notice you at first. Then go home and get dressed like you were going to a resterant. Go back and go up to him/her and ask him/her to go out with you ... Order something that cost a lot and pay for the meals and share a cake and BOOM instant boyfriend/girlfriend." -- Adrian, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 5 -- "Don't wear high heels if you don't know how to use them." -- Jade, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 6 -- "For boys: Smell like cookies (girls love cookies) and smile like there's no tomorrow. For girls: Accept flowers, do not accept ring." -- Tayman
-- Tip No. 7 -- "Don't eat spaghetti with your fingers. Don't put so much makeup on that you look like an alien. Don't pick your nose." -- Brooke, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 8 -- "Boys, if you want girls, don't pick your nose. It's gross. Also, boys, if you want girls, give them flowers (but if the girl is alligic to flowers, don't give it to them." -- Autumn, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 9 -- "Shave your legs if you are going out in a dress with your boyfriend. Don't go on a cheap date." -- Faye, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 10 -- "What not to do: Never buy cheap cologne because you never know what it will smell like ... What to do: Before you go dancing, make sure you take lessons. Make sure you don't wear your Budweiser T-shirt and a pair of sweats." -- Alexandra, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 11 -- "Pretend to walk in slow-mo. Be nice to your girl ... Give her eight flowers: seven real, one fake. Tell her, 'When all these flowers die, I'll stop loving you!' " -- C. J., 10
-- Tip No. 12 -- "Here's a pickup line: 'Hey, did you just whistle cause you just blew me away.' Try never to fart in public with the girl." -- Quinn, 11, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 13 -- "Dress nice. Smell nice. Try not to sweat. First couple of days give her presents. Never fart!" -- Isaiah, 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 14 -- "Be kind, do NOT hog things, do NOT be late to an event." -- Marcus
-- Tip No. 15 -- "Brush your hare. Clean your house before she comes. Don't tell your mom. Buy a sports car. Learn to do the Dougy." -- Dalston, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 16 -- "Get her diamonds. When dancing, DO NOT step on heels. Have good pickup lines. Eat with fork and knife. Be a good kisser." -- Aidan W., 10, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 17 -- "Chew gum (Fresh breath! You never know.) Share foods like ice-cream sundays or popcorn. At the right moment, kiss him! (Or at least on the cheek.)" -- Juscenta, 11, Grade 5
-- Tip No. 18 -- "I know you're nervous, but man up!! Seriously, no sweat, man!! Walking on the beach! (Romantic!) Scary movie! (Girls hold you!) Romantic comedy! (Girls laugh with you.) Hope you like 'em, Doug. P.S. Hand these to your son later!" -- Sam, 10, Grade 5
Anyway, the Neil Campbell kids had lots more love advice, but I think you get the general romantic thrust. Here's hoping these heart-felt tips help you heat things up this Valentine's Day.
I'd test them myself, but my wife says I'm not allowed to date.