It's time for another instalment of Mr. Super Dad Guy, the No. 1 parental advice column in Canada according to a survey of people who put plastic coverings on their living room furniture.
This is the semi-recurring feature in which I dispense parenting tips based on events pulled from my personal life in an effort to write 800 words so I can go back in the den and watch The Price Is Right.
Today's column will be in the user-friendly multiple-choice format because it's easier than writing complete paragraphs, which often involve complicated punctuation marks.
CASE NO. 1:
You and your wife are in bed sleeping the well-earned sleep of the dead after another exhausting day of being modern parents when you are jolted awake by someone pounding on your bedroom door.
You look at the clock on the beside table. It is 2 a.m. Your parenting instincts kick into overdrive. Something must be horribly wrong. You are groggy but gather your wits to determine the nature of the crisis, which must be incredibly urgent because it is (bad word) 2 a.m.
"Huh?" you mutter loudly.
You hear a voice outside the door. It is your teenage daughter.
"Mom??" the voice says plaintively, "Dad???"
"Huh?" you reply, a cold knot of dread forming in your chest.
Then your daughter shouts an urgent question, a question only you, a modern parent, can answer.
"DO WE HAVE ANY PIE?" she needs to know.
OK, as a modern, nurturing parent, you should:
A) Apologize to her for being incredibly thoughtless and going to sleep without first ensuring she was fully informed as to the availability and location of all baked goods in your household;
B) Tell her pie is not an appropriate snack at 2 a.m., then get up and bake her a selection of nutritious soy-based alternatives;
C) Feel a sense of pride that she's comfortable coming to you, as opposed to strangers, in a time of such great need;
D) Slam your skull repeatedly against the headboard because that is the only way you are going to get back to sleep;
And the correct answer is:
E) Remember when your parents looked at you 25 years ago and said: "If there is a supreme being, one day you will have kids JUST LIKE YOU!"
CASE NO. 2:
After a week wondering just what your children are going to do to surprise you and your wife on your 25th wedding anniversary, you finally learn the answer.
Nothing. They are doing nothing. In fact, despite subtle hints ("Boy we are sure looking forward to our 25th wedding anniversary!") they are shocked to learn you expected something.
In the end, you do not even get a greeting card. Not that you are bitter.
Out of curiosity, you ask your son why he didn't spring for a card, and he explains: "Gee, dad, I'm not made of money!!!"
After wiping that stunned look off your face, you should:
A) Tell him you find that surprising, given that he's sucked every last nickel out of your wallet;
B) Demand a DNA test because obviously you ARE made of money, so he can't be your real son;
C) Grab him by the feet and dangle him upside down to see if he has spare change in his pockets;
D) Make him your financial adviser because, unlike you, he clearly knows the value of a dollar;
And the correct answer is:
E) Praise him for being "smart" with his money because this is going to come in real handy as he searches for somewhere else to live.
As always, Mr. Super Dad Guy hopes these tips prove helpful when troubling teen conflicts arise in your home. Even if you have never experienced these conflicts, Mr. Super Dad Guy can still help out.
He is willing to send his teenagers to your house. There will be no charge.
doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca
PREVIOUS
