It was supposed to be a campaign about big ideas, like the environment, the economy and an unpopular overseas war.
But after a month of kooky candidate gaffes and questionable campaign-office mistakes, the 2008 federal election has descended into a murky morass of mutual recriminations that have all but completely overshadowed actual policy announcements.
With only days to go before Canadians vote, it's worth a look to see what has transpired -- if only because nobody will ever want to remember this election campaign once the final vote is tallied on Tuesday night.
Here's what we've endured so far:
Fixed election dates? We don't need no stinking fixed dates!
Campaign 2008 started off unceremoniously as Prime Minister Harper did exactly what he said he'd do for weeks: call an election on Sept. 7. Opposition leaders cried foul, noting the Conservatives had brought in fixed-date legislation that would make it impossible for politicians to seize opportune moments to call elections. In the Tories' defence, there really was no inopportune time to run against a Liberal party led by Stéphane Dion.
But we were just getting to know Kandahar
In a clever move designed to take the war with the Taliban out of the election equation, Harper took his opponents by surprise by promising to pull Canadian troops out of Afghanistan in 2011. The announcement, which came only three days into the campaign, amounted to a pre-emptive strike against Dion and NDP leader Jack Layton, who were planning to use the unpopular war to lambaste the Conservatives. This was the last bit of intelligent strategy to emerge before Campaign 2008 took a turn for the absurd.
Puffin poop and juicy fruit
The first sign 2008 would not be a banner year for intellectual debate came when a Tory website depicted a seabird engaging in a fly-by defecation on Liberal leader Dion. The second sign arrived when Harper came to Winnipeg and announced he would be prefer to be a fruit and not a vegetable. Sure, a reporter came up with the idiotic question. But it was a sign of more election inanity to come.
Thanks for the endorsement, brother
Before the Tories had a chance to clean up the Atlantic puffin guano, more flak started flying their way from the Maritimes. Danny Williams, the Conservative premier of Newfoundland & Labrador, took a strip off Harper at a public speech, claiming a Tory majority would be a disaster for Canada. There's no word whether Williams' comments had much of an effect where most of his constituents live SEnD 6,000 kilometres to the west in Fort McMurray, Alta.
Gaffe-O-Rama
If anything, Campaign 2008 will be remembered for the shocking number of candidates and campaign staffers who were forced to resign or apologize for stupid moves in the past or present. A Tory flack apologized for criticizing the father of a dead Canadian soldier. Conservative Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz apologized for joking about listeriosis deaths. Campaigners for Tory Transportation Minister Lawrence Cannon apologized for questioning the sobriety of First Nations protesters. B.C. NDP candidate Julian West resigned for taking his clothes off in front of kids 12 years ago. Calgary Tory candidate Lee Richardson expressed regret for suggesting immigrants cause crime. Toronto NDP candidate Andrew McKeever apologized for being a Facebook bully. Winnipeg Liberal candidate Lesley Hughes (see below) was turfed for 9/11 conspiracy writings. Another Tory staffer resigned for plagiarizing a speech. Even the most cynical reporter could not have predicted this level of incompetence.
A May-October romance?
A few nanoseconds after Canadians of all political stripes helped Elizabeth May win a place at the televised leaders' debates, the Green Party leader mused about getting out of Liberal leader Dion's way in his own riding. Bravo, Canadians SEnD there's nothing better for democracy than a little undemocratic behaviour.
In other news, snakes dislike mongooses
After taking his lumps from artists upset about federal funding cuts for two solid weeks, Harper broke down and suggested some members of the cultural elite are spoiled brats. Actors responded the next day by lambasting the Conservative leader. Wow, who would have guessed Canadian artists and federal Tories would fail to share a world view?
Hughes on first? More likely third or fourth
In the weirdest Winnipeg-related story of the election, a bizarre bit of 9/11 conspiracy ranting forced Dion to sack Lesley Hughes, the Liberal candidate in Kildonan-St. Paul. In the face of anti-Semitism accusations, Hughes vowed to soldier on, as her name will remain on the ballot as a Liberal candidate. The inability of party organizers to use Google suddenly emerged as a campaign issue. Like, all you have to do is hit "enter."
When Steffie met Jackie
Late in September, as the prospect of a Conservative majority began to fade, the Liberals and NDP floated the notion of forming a coalition to defeat Harper. Yet again, there's noting better for democracy than a little undemocratic behaviour.
"Dude, it's in the bag!"
Seconds after the coalition talk subsided, Jack Layton began speaking as if the NDP was poised to win the election and he was about to become Prime Minister. In related news, Iraq once again claimed victory in the 1990-91 Persian Gulf War.
Cage Match No. 1
In the French-language leaders' debate on Oct. 1, Dion, Layton, May and Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe all took turns bashing Harper in a desperate attempt to chip away at the Tory lead. May struggled en francais and Harper took a beating, but afterward all five leaders claimed victory.
Cage Match No. 2
The following night in English, Harper once again wore the bull's-eye in a five-leader melee that saw Layton grow even bolder. "You say you've got a plan. Where is it? Under your sweater?" the NDP leader sniped at a disturbingly serene Prime Minister. Afterward, U.S. Sen. Joe Biden and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin both claimed victory.
It's the stupid economy, stupid
For the first time during the campaign, Dion appeared to do something right: Post-debate polls suggested the Liberal leader actually dealt damage to the Conservatives by questioning Harper's response to the global economic crisis. Dion responded by naming his new dog "Thirty Days of Meetings."
And Bernier keeps on burning
Now just in case there weren't enough distractions during Campaign 2008, Canada's most infamous ex-girlfriend emerged in the waning weeks of the election to create more pain for Conservative Maxime Bernier. Julie Couillard, the woman who cost Bernier his foreign affairs gig, authored a tell-all tome about her relationship with the guy who just couldn't seem to keep his hands on his documents.
Yes, a nation on the cusp of choosing its next government has spent the past month enthralled by a spurned ex-lover, a cartoon seabird and a parade of questionable candidates with entire paleontology exhibits in their closets. Here's hoping the quality of public discourse improves in 2009 or 2010, when we head back to polls for the fourth time in five or six years.
bartley.kives@freepress.mb.ca
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