Summer's so dreamy

It's the middle of a scorching heat wave and the blast-furnace temperatures have reduced our brains to the consistency of Silly Putty, so this seems like the perfect time to think about your Dream Summer Vacation.

Before we continue, I should confess I personally did not want to spend today thinking about your Dream Summer Vacation. I wanted to spend today dangling over the inflatable shark in our ridiculously expensive inflatable kiddie pool, which is the size of the Parliament Buildings, but contains less hot air.

I am reluctant to spend a lot of time thinking about summer vacations because when I was a kid my dad forced all of us to go on an annual Family Car Trip, which involved Dad driving non-stop and refusing to listen to directions from ANYONE for about two weeks until the dog finally started throwing up in the back seat, at which point Dad would stop the car at some random location -- a gas station, the side of a highway, a mini-mall parking lot -- and loudly proclaim: "WE'RE HERE!"

Unfortunately, my brain, which, like all three of my dogs, no longer responds to verbal commands, insisted on thinking about Dream Summer Vacations today after reading a news release emailed to us by something called FlightNetwork.com, which is apparently one of Canada's leading online travel agencies.

This news release contained the results of a survey in which the friendly folks at FlightNetwork.com interviewed 1,001 Canadians -- presumably because 1,001 Dalmatians weren't available -- to ask what they would do on a holiday in New York, London and Toronto if they had unlimited cash and unlimited access to anything or anyone they wanted.

The results demonstrate -- and this is science talking, not me -- that at least 95 per cent of Canadians are incredibly boring. But they also reveal that, as a nation, you have some pretty weird ideas about what to do on vacation.

According to the poll, the fun things you would do in New York include:

1) Fire Donald Trump (32.8 per cent);

2) Yell at celebrity loudmouth chef Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen of one of his own restaurants (18.7 per cent);

3) Buy the Brooklyn Bridge (15 per cent).

In London, armed with unlimited cash and access, Canadians would:

1) Drive on whatever (bad word) side of the road they pleased (20.5 per cent);

2) Water-ski on the Thames (18.9 per cent);

3) Gamble with the Queen and win Big Ben (18.4 per cent).

While in Toronto -- which is not our idea of a dream vacation but, hey, we're not judging -- vacationers would:

1) Declare a citywide stat holiday (24.3 per cent);

2) Climb the exterior of the CN Tower and parachute back down (21 per cent);

3) Halt road construction for a day (16 per cent).

These are all fun-sounding ideas for a no-holds-barred vacation, but I can think of a few more things to do if money was no object. My wish list would include:

1) Flying to Rome on Hugh Hefner's jet, marching into the Vatican, plunking down a huge bankroll and telling whoever is in charge: "There's a lot more where that came from on one condition -- I get to wear the Pope's hat!"

2) Taking the entire family to Australia's Great Barrier Reef and giving the kids the thrill of a lifetime by allowing them to swim with the sharks while wearing new bathing suits made from recycled pork byproducts;

3) Renting Disneyland for an entire day and forcing anyone who ever annoyed me to ride the It's a Small World ride over and over and over while I glare at them and practise my evil mad scientist laugh: "Mua-ha-ha-ha!!!"

4) Water-skiing on the Thames is for weenies. I'd go trolling for alligators via the technique of renting a power boat in the Florida Everglades and pulling the ("We'll do anything for money!") Kardashian sisters behind me;

5) The same thing as No. 4, except change the "Kardashian sisters" to read "Baldwin brothers."

6) Hire Stephen Harper and his cabinet to do the one job all Canadian families want done at this blisteringly hot time of year -- clean up the back seat at the end of the Family Car Trip!

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 13, 2012 A2