Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/10/2013 (921 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
It was a dark and stormy night as the intrepid zombie hunters, Tad and Todd, inched their way up the muddy path leading to the dilapidated mansion in the heart of the gloomy forest.
Their hearts pounding in their chests, their breath coming in sobbing gasps, the zombie hunters courageously announced their presence by kicking in the rotting front door.
Armed with flashlights and pointed sticks, Tad and Todd crept up the creaking staircase and, with sweat dripping from their fevered brows, found themselves facing the ornate door to what once was the lonely home's library.
Throwing caution to the wind, the zombie hunters, with no thought for personal safety, flung open the creaking door and there, lurking in the shadows, was a sight more terrifying than human eyes had ever beheld.
"OHMYGAWD!" Tad yelled to his brother. "What is it? What is it?"
Todd let out a guttural cry: "DEAR GOD, TAD, IT'S YOUR WEEKEND WEATHER FORECAST!!!"
With that, one of the more disgusting zombies, flesh peeling from his gory face, glared at the brothers and said: "Hi, guys, would you like a snack? Lady fingers? Brains, perhaps?"
"No thanks," Tad whispered. "We just want to hear the weather forecast."
"OK," the zombie croaked. "We're talking below-normal temperatures all week. Today will be mostly cloudy with a high of 3C. Sunday will be cloudy with a high of 4C."
"Yikes," Todd grunted.
"The normal high at this time of year is 6C."
"It gets worse," the zombie moaned. "Monday and Tuesday will be below freezing.
The Halloween high will be 5C, but my pal Dale Marciski at Environment Canada says it will be below freezing when the trick-or-treaters head out.
Plus it could be windy and there's a chance of flurries or rain."
Tad looked at Todd. Todd looked at Tad.
"That's very scary," they agreed. "What should we do before Halloween?"
The zombie brightened.
"You should go to the Friends of the Winnipeg Public Library's book sale today and Sunday at the Grant Park High School gym, 450 Nathaniel Street," he groaned. "We're talking 60 tables of good used books."
Todd rolled his eyeballs.
"Not very scary," he sniffed in disdain.
"Fine," the zombie replied.
"Swing by the Safeway store at 1625 Kenaston Boulevard today between 11 a.m. and 5 p.m. to donate to their Jail n Bail event for the Canadian Breast Cancer Foundation. Doug Speirs will be locked up around noon with two Bomber cheerleaders, and you have to donate to get him out."
"You mean the pudgy guy reading this story in his bathtub? That's just creepy." "Right," the zombie continued.
"Then check out Boomania nightly in Selkirk Park, 490 Eveline Street in Selkirk. There's thrill rides and a Scare Zone and a Haunted Hay Ride."
Tadd and Todd smiled.
"Tickets at the gate are only $17 and you get a $2 discount if you bring a tin for the bin," they screamed.
"We are definitely going to have a horrifying Halloween!"
The zombie shambled toward them. "I think that's a no-brainer!" he said, licking his lips.