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There's no comfort at all if it's this cold

Extreme freeze leads to extreme musings

Posted: 01/15/2009 1:00 AM | Comments: 0 (including replies)

Notes to self on a 50-below-zero day:

Replace all the windows in the house, especially the ones that could blow out a candle with the wind whipping through them.

Determine why my laundry room, in addition to having windows frosted over on the inside, is virtually unheated. Ask the repairman if that's the reason washing machine hose snapped and sprayed water all over room.

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Convince the kids to make ice cubes in laundry room without using freezer.

Succeed.

Realize the results aren't really that funny, especially in the heating-bill sense.

Refuse to speak to anyone who utters the words "but it's a dry cold."

Ditto anyone who says: "If you dress for it, you'll be fine."

Take a poke at next person who wonders aloud: "Why do Winnipeggers like to whine about the weather so much?"

Ditto anyone who says: "You should take up cross-country skiing and really enjoy winter!"

Invest in good Scotch and claim it's anti-freeze.

Try to remember why I didn't just stay in the Caribbean 20 years ago.

Consider trying to introduce concept of the family bed to children. Remember they're teenagers. Put extra wool blanket on my own bed.

Consider the sturdy pioneer stock and indigenous people who somehow survived this climate without electrical heat, indoor plumbing or microwave popcorn.

Be grateful the country didn't depend on wimps like me to settle the nation.

Wonder why Winnipeggers, when faced with temperatures that could freeze the proverbial brass bells off a monkey, still won't wear a hat.

Consider a lengthy family vacation in a tropical paradise. Consider bank balance. Pout.

Wonder out loud if one of teenagers could be auctioned off. Pretend that was a joke.

Phone a friend in Florida for sympathy. Spend a long time trying to convince him that it's not just minus 50 in Celsius and, no, I haven't been drinking.

Consider drinking.

Google "weather" and "news". Learn that when the temperature reaches minus 15 without a wind chill in Toronto, they issue an extremeweather alert.

Also learn that tomorrow's high in Toronto will be minus 17.

Wonder if the army is mobilizing.

Phone numerous friends and family members to engage in hearty round of clichés and complaints about the temperature. Quickly have it pointed out that I can work at home on company-provided laptop.

Also have it pointed out that I'm likely still in my bathrobe, even though it's almost noon.

Deny it.

Shower and get dressed.

Check the Weather Channel to see how long it will take exposed flesh to freeze. Wonder if that includes eyeballs. Decide to minimize risk by staying indoors, perhaps until May.

Resolve to make hearty chicken soup for family's dinner. Realize we're out of chicken, fresh vegetables and potatoes.

Consider ordering unhealthy pizza for dinner. Argue that we're all burning extra calories trying to stay warm.

Wonder if pouring sand in the bathtub and making mojitos from a mix would be the same as sitting poolside in Cuba.

Begin to worry that the cold snap has permanently addled my brain.

Contemplate telling the children about fun winter games I used to play when I was a tot. Start with the joy of licking flagpoles. Decide they might call the authorities themselves.

Ultimately realize that I was born here, I've lived through many winters, I know how to dress for it, I can tough this out with the rest of you.

Laugh hysterically and go back to bed.

lindor.reynolds@freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition January 15, 2009 B2

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