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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION
True north: Beer ain't free
Canuck, eh? Prove it on the double-double
Is Wayne Gretzky celebrating winning the War of 1812? (MIKE PINDER / POSTMEDIA NEWS ARCHIVE)
There are only two more sleeps until Canada Day, and all you patriots know what that means.
It means if you haven't already been to the liquor store, you're out of luck, because the lineup currently is longer than the one outside the women's washroom at a movie starring George Clooney or that guy from Twilight, and it's moving more slowly than a small jungle creature passing through the digestive system of a mature python.
The good news is if you are standing in a "lineup" right now, it's a clear indicator you are, in fact, Canadian, because if you were an American, you'd simply be standing in "line" and you would definitely not be waiting to purchase a two-four for our nation's 145th birthday, eh.
My patriotic point is if you're reading this at all, you're probably Canadian, but if you want to legally wave the Maple Leaf on Sunday, you need to be sure, so sit down on the nearest chesterfield and take our Two Days Before Canada Day multiple-choice quiz to see if you belong in the true north strong and free:
1. When famed French Explorer Jacques Cartier first laid eyes on Canada in 1534 while searching for the Northwest Passage, he historically uttered which phrase:
a) "What a great location for a mall!"
b) "Do you think they accept Canadian Tire money at par?"
c) "Hey, it's a dry cold."
d) "Seriously? The Leafs are already in last place? Sweet!"
2. Which of the following was not invented by a Canadian:
a) Basketball.
b) The snowplow.
c) The retractable beer-carton handle.
d) Elvis Presley.
3. If you order a "Beaver Tail," what are you asking for?
a) Something we don't mention in a family newspaper like this.
b) An iconic Canadian porn film.
c) A delicious fried pastry and Type 2 diabetes.
d) A flat spatula-like appendage which the industrious Castor canadensis uses like a rudder.
4. Would you let a complete stranger "roll up your rim?"
a) Never on the first date.
b) Only if they bought me a Beaver Tail first.
c) Yes, if it got me a better spot in the (very bad word) lineup.
d) Not without a note from my doctor.
5. Who are Casey and Finnegan?
a) The beloved lead singers for a popular East Coast folk-rock group.
b) The Maple Leafs' top picks in the 2012 NHL Entry Draft.
c) Grisly remains found locked inside a Tickle Trunk.
d) Mr. Dressup's illegitimate children.
6. The War of 1812 began when...
a) Wayne Gretzky was called offside on a cross-border shopping trip.
b) The U.S. deliberately used a leaf-blower to push its dead leaves onto our side of the border.
c) William Shatner was denied an Emmy for his role in the moving Star Trek episode The Trouble With Tribbles.
d) We refused to take Celine Dion back.
7. Complete the following lyric from Anne Murray's beloved Snowbird: "Beneath this snowy mantle cold and clean...
a) "The unborn rat lies waiting for its bowl of turnip greens."
b) "A sunburned bass lies waiting for its coal to turn to cream."
c) "The unmown grass waits for a movie it hasn't seen."
d) "We stand on guard for thee."
OK, Canucks, if you're finished, hand your quiz in at the nearest Tim Hortons drive-through window and tell them to mark it on the double-double. Happy Canada Day.
Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 29, 2012 A2
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