Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/10/2012 (1404 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
Drenched by pelting rain, chunks of pale green skin sloughing off their gore-covered bodies, two zombies shambled out of the moonlit graveyard to begin their nightly quest for human flesh.
Zombies are not known for sharing their innermost feelings, but as the fetid corpses, their limbs twisted unnaturally, shuffled along at the speed of airport luggage, one of them slowly began to speak.
"Hey, Bob, looking good!" the zombie croaked, casting a lifeless stare at his comrade.
"Right back at you, Kevin," zombie Bob grunted in reply. "The truth is, I'm dead on my feet."
"Same here, Bob," zombie Kevin snorted loudly, causing his loosely attached nose to fall to the ground and roll under a nearby tombstone. "Swell weather we're having, eh?"
"You might say it's to die for," zombie Bob replied, helping Kevin retrieve his runaway nose. "It's like I was saying to my pal Dale Marciski at Environment Canada... you know Dale, don't you?"
Zombie Kevin flashed an evil grin. "Yes," he squealed, "I had him for lunch. Nice guy, but a little hard to digest. I did manage to pick his brains, so to speak. It seems a cold northwesterly flow of Arctic air will bring us more clouds, snow flurries and below-normal temperatures. Today will be cloudy with a high of only -1 C."
Zombie Bob gasped. "Arrrgh," he roared, "That's way under the normal high of 6 C at this time of year."
"You're just full of brains," Kevin sniffed, "It's the same story Sunday with a 30 per cent chance of flurries. On Halloween, we're talking a mix of sun and clouds with a high of 2 C, but it should be a bit below zero when the trick-or-treaters hit the streets."
Bob made a smacking noise with his lips. "Mmmm, trick-or-treaters!" he drooled. "Speaking of which, how do you want to celebrate the last weekend before Halloween?"
Kevin rolled his one and only eyeball. "Duh!" he gasped. "Let's go to the final weekend of Boo at the Zoo. Tickets are $9.50 at Safeway and $12 at the gate."
"Great idea," Bob roared, "I can take my ghoulfriend."
Chuckled Kevin: "Where'd you dig her up?"
"Good one," Bob said, sneering. "Are you making this (bad zombie word) stuff up, Kevin?"
"You ever heard of the Internet?" Kevin demanded.
"No," zombie Bob confessed.
"Then, yes, I'm making these jokes up," Kevin declared. "We should also stagger down to the Free Press News Café, 237 McDermot, on Sunday for their special brunch featuring the stars of Manitoba Opera's upcoming production of Rigoletto, including soprano Tracy Dahl and director Rob Herriot."
Bob's eyes gleamed. "Yummy! I love sopranos!" he cooed.
"I hear tickets are $25 plus taxes and the doors open at 10:30 a.m. Call 204-943-0682 for reservations. They'll be serving bacon! It's a no-brainer!"
A final question occurred to Kevin. "Hey, Bob," he asked, "do you eat bacon with your fingers?"
Zombie Bob smirked. "No," he said, proudly, "I eat the fingers separately!"