DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS:
People think I’m gay, but I’m not. I’m "metrosexual," in dress and speech or "effeminate," that nasty old word. But I am only interested in women for love and sex. Nope, I’m not bisexual either. I was raised by my mom and grandmother, who were stylish ladies, so I picked up some of their traits and mannerisms. But I lust only for women. I want a girlfriend and a wife and kids and the whole thing. How do I get this across to women who think I’m going to be their gay buddy? While they think I’m going to be interested in dishing the dirt with them and going shopping and having platonic movie-watching parties, I’m thinking how they’ll look naked. When I tell them I’m straight, they say things like, "You can just be yourself with me. I don’t care if you’re gay." I am not about to trade my designer clothes for a football jersey and a ball cap to prove I’m a macho guy! I am not at all macho, but I am in the man-chasing-woman game. A woman can dress in boots and jeans and a plaid lumberjack shirt and nobody assumes she’s gay. How do I get my true sexuality across? — Frustrated Real Man, Downtown
Dear Frustrated: It’s certainly unfair that women can wake up on any given morning, and if they’re in a kickass mood, wear men’s clothes and no one blinks an eye. Even a suit and tie are quite acceptable in the workplace.
They call it, "power dressing." But you, on the other hand, look polished and put together and your sexuality is questioned. The people around you need a little education. If you have the personality to be funny and at the same time serious about getting your metrosexual message across, you can explain to a few key people who can be counted on to spread the word, about what it means to be metrosexual: well-dressed, manicured and urbane, but lusting for women and looking for a girlfriend. You might point to a few ladies who dress "like guys" at work and ask why they aren’t being judged.
Good luck with the teaching. It needs to be done, and who better than you?
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend just brought home two more kittens. "How could I separate these two little brothers?" she said in a voice so cute I melted and my pants fell down. So now we have four kittens, a half-grown dog, three screeching birds and a hamster that squeaks his wheel all night. It’s like the Amazon jungle around here. Oh, I forgot about the fish and the turtles. Feeding them all takes an hour. I love my girlfriend, but enough is enough. I tell her that and she gives me an adorable smile and says, "But I always have enough love for you!" Then it’s suddenly about my greediness for attention, not about this insane zoo family of ours (we are only both 21, by the way). Before I met her I never had any pets, so I thought the dog was real cute, although a lot of bother. Now the kittens are climbing the curtains and the dog is barking and I’m pulling out my hair. How can I get her to cease and desist? No more critters!
— Almost At The End, St. Vital Dear At The End: You’re not nearly at the end when she can still charm the pants off you with a kittenish voice, and you know it. So what can you do? Your only choice is to buy into the zoo family, and pitch in with all the work and all the fun. Or, you could drop out and miss her and all the silliness while she gets another pet lover on board. People who collect pets usually collect human pets as well. The big question: Are you tired of being her pet?
Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email email@example.com