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Doug Speirs

About Doug Speirs:

Doug Speirs is a Free Press columnist.

  • Me, lord of the dance? Try klutz of the class

    Here's what I want you to do: First, stand up nice and straight. Next, while keeping your shoulders perfectly still -- you may need someone to hold them in place for you -- slowly begin to undulate your hips in a figure-eight pattern that will cause anyone watching to experience the first stirrings of a primitive passion. There, that wasn't so hard, was it? I am, of course, kidding. Don't worry, I have paramedics on speed dial.

    View Full Column | 10/03/2010 1:00 AM | 2

  • Hey — even dogs have to keep up with pop culture

    Since the Winter Olympics ended, I've been trying to fill a void in my TV-viewing life, sullenly flicking through channels, desperately searching for sporting moments that will tug on my heart-strings and reduce me to a puddle of manly tears. Well, on Friday night, I finally found what I've been looking for. It happened during a timeout in the first quarter of a National Basketball Association game between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Detroit Pistons.

    View Full Column | 8/03/2010 1:00 AM | 1

  • Your Weekend Weather

    I have excellent news for anyone who feels like they haven't been measuring up lately.

    Get ready to stand a little taller and walk a little prouder, because I have it on good authority that for the next week or so all of us are going to be officially "normal."

    View Full Column | 6/03/2010 1:00 AM | 2

  • Oh, say it ain't so, Canada

    Really? The federal government is thinking about tinkering with the lyrics to O Canada? To make it more gender-neutral? Really?

    As Canadians, we are going to have to form strong opinions on the issue, so we can write angry letters to our nearest members of Parliament, so their staffs, for reasons of national security, can throw them out, thereby freeing their bosses to do their real jobs -- flying around the country at taxpayer expense to hand out oversized novelty cheques.

    View Full Column | 5/03/2010 1:00 AM | 6

  • A little blue book for wedded bliss... or something close

    A growing number of young married men are coming up to me in the supermarket and asking: "Doug, you've been married for 28 years, but still have all your medically valuable organs. How can I have a marriage as happy as yours?"

    When this happens, I normally laugh a wise and knowing laugh, look at them with an expression of fatherly concern, then sprint away as fast as I can and hide behind the grapefruits in the produce aisle.

    View Full Column | 3/03/2010 1:00 AM | 0

  • Oly moments I'll cherish; the ones with my family

    Forget all those gold medals. Forget the cheering crowds. Forget the heart-rending stories of athletes overcoming incredible obstacles to achieve their dreams. The thing I'll never forget about the Vancouver Winter Olympics is how they brought us all together.

    View Full Column | 1/03/2010 1:00 AM | 1

  • The latest Olympic scandal: being happy when you win

    Just when you thought it was safe to stop hiding in your den, along comes another scandal threatening to tarnish everything the Olympic movement stands for. Fortunately, just as it did at the Summer Games in Beijing, the International Olympic Committee is ready to crack down on this growing menace -- happy athletes.

    View Full Column | 27/02/2010 1:00 AM | 16

  • Better sit down for this

    Scintillating. Exhilarating. Thrilling. Exciting. Nerve-racking. Stirring. Astonishing. Breathtaking. Action-packed. Heart-pumping. Awe-inspiring. Dramatic. There are a lot of words in the English language, but none seems to capture the magical feeling we, as a nation, experienced Wednesday night when our Olympic men's hockey team obliterated the Russians 7-3.

    View Full Column | 26/02/2010 1:00 AM | 0

  • The real buzz on the Olys

    It happens every Winter Olympics.

    Somewhere around Day 748, as I sit in my den, alone in the dark, watching hour after hour of cross-country curling and Nordic Combined Snowman Building, my brain is transformed into a puddle of goop the consistency of Scottish oatmeal.

    View Full Column | 25/02/2010 1:00 AM | 1

  • I used to hate this sport -- now I hurry hard to see it

    To: Cheryl Bernard From: An Armchair Olympian

    View Full Column | 24/02/2010 1:00 AM | 7

  • How to sex up the Games

    Like a middle-aged, overweight columnist, the Olympics are doing everything they can to become hipper, sexier and more appealing to young people.

    In my case, I accomplish this by wearing tight-fitting clothing and making constant but meaningless references to pop culture figures such as Lady Gaga and hunky young actor Robert Pattinson.

    View Full Column | 23/02/2010 1:00 AM | 3

  • Montgomery's an Olympian but he'll always be a hoser

    Canadian couch potatoes, rejoice! We have a king!

    The coronation came Friday night after Jon Montgomery, the beloved son of Russell, Man., blew past the competition to win gold in the men's skeleton.

    View Full Column | 22/02/2010 1:00 AM | 16

  • Your Weekend Weather

    Listen up, Olympics fans, here's what I want you to do: Turn off your TV, get off the couch, open your front door and stick your head outside. While you do that, I'll amuse myself for a few seconds by trying to get the mind-numbing melody of the official theme song of the Olympic Broadcast Media Consortium out of my brain. It's been playing on a continual loop inside my head since the opening ceremonies.

    View Full Column | 20/02/2010 1:00 AM | 0

  • Young patriots cheer on our Olympians

    The Winter Olympics kick off in Vancouver Friday, so it's time for me to fling open the fridge, grab a family-sized container of onion dip, then park myself on the couch in front of the big-screen TV and remain motionless for the next two weeks.

    It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make, partly because I am a patriotic columnist with maple syrup in his veins, but also because it gives me an excuse to get innocent schoolchildren to write my column for me.

    View Full Column | 10/02/2010 1:00 AM | 2

  • Checking out sex show all part of journalist's job

    I went to the first annual Taboo Naughty But Nice Sex Show over the weekend because, as a crusading journalist, I believe in your right to know. There's no need to thank me. I go to all the big trade shows at the convention centre -- the Car Show, the Boat Show, the Home & Garden Show, the Kitchen, Bath & Renovation Show, the RV Show.

    View Full Column | 8/02/2010 1:00 AM | 19

  • Your Weekend Weather

    It's the eve of the Super Bowl, a traditional time of fun and frivolity, a time when The Weather Column finds it extremely difficult to offer you a reliable forecast, because we plan to spend the entire weekend on the couch consuming our weight in chicken wings and beer. But, since you asked, here's what we're expecting this weekend: A 50 per cent chance the New Orleans Saints will kick a field goal in the dying moments to beat the Indianapolis Colts, allowing us to cover the spread and collect enough from Vinnie Two Fingers to pay for our new big-screen TV.

    View Full Column | 6/02/2010 1:00 AM | 0

  • Need to sizzle up your life?

    With Valentine's Day fast approaching, we find ourselves contemplating a moral question that threatens to rip our nation in half, namely: If you had to choose between bacon and sex, which would you choose?

    This meaty issue was dropped on our plates today because we have just received the results of a shocking survey commissioned by the folks at Maple Leaf Foods, who expect to win several Nobel Prizes for their newest invention -- premium bacon in a re-closable package.

    View Full Column | 5/02/2010 1:00 AM | 1

  • Zamboni drive a real trip

    The nice folks at True North Sports and Entertainment are searching for a part-time Zamboni operator to back up their regular guys and they've agreed to let me, a newspaper humour columnist, get behind the wheel.

    View Full Column | 3/02/2010 1:00 AM | 0

  • Ask a silly question, get yet another one

    Maybe it's just the deep-freeze affecting my brain, but I have a few questions. What I'm saying is I have more questions than answers. There are a few things I'd really like to know. Know what I mean?

    Seriously, would you like to know what I want to know? No? Really? Well, then here's one thing I'd like to know: Why not?

    View Full Column | 1/02/2010 1:00 AM | 4

  • Your Weekend Weather

    Good morning, Winnipeg. I'd like you all to dry your eyes, stop whining for a minute and grab a seat. Welcome to the first meeting of our self-help group, Frozen Friends: Dealing with Winter in Winnipeg. I'm your instructor, Uncle Doug, and if everyone's comfy, we'll get started.

    View Full Column | 30/01/2010 1:00 AM | 1

  • Could you make those news releases any less funny?

    Almost every day, as regular as clockwork, news releases about incredibly obscure things in incredibly obscure places are emailed to my computer by public relations companies I've never heard of.

    They contain the sort of information ---- "PLANO REALTOR ELECTED 2010 PRESIDENT OF NORTH TEXAS CCIM CHAPTER" -- you could never become remotely interested in, not in a million years, not even if your life depended on it, not even if terrorists were pointing loaded weapons at your foreheads.

    View Full Column | 29/01/2010 1:00 AM | 0

  • No need to text and drink!

    Just when you're starting to think there's no light at the end of the tunnel; just when you're afraid the younger generation will never amount to anything because they're shiftless, video-game-obsessed nerds; just when you're losing all hope for the future, along comes a young person who convinces you, against all odds, things are even worse than you thought. The young person I am referring to is a 19-year-old University of Manitoba business student named Evan Morgan, who sent me an email last week in a sincere and humanitarian effort to get free publicity for an invention he hopes will make him a millionaire, or at least pay for his university tuition.

    View Full Column | 27/01/2010 1:00 AM | 7

  • 'What the heck are these people thinking?'

    Whenever a charity invites me, a non-artistic person, to create a "masterpiece" to contribute to their fundraising art auction, I am forced to ask myself a difficult question.

    The question is this: "What the heck are these people thinking?"

    View Full Column | 25/01/2010 1:00 AM | 1

  • Your weekend weather

    It is with great sadness today the Weather Column announces the imminent death of Winnipeg's beloved Warm Spell. Adored by the entire city, Warm Spell was born on Jan. 10 when a mass of unseasonably warm air blew in to Manitoba from the Pacific Ocean. It is expected to pass away peacefully Monday, Jan. 25, when Environment Canada says the daytime high will fall to -14 C, compared to the normal high of -12 C at this time of year. Warm Spell was two weeks old.

    View Full Column | 23/01/2010 1:00 AM | 2

  • Mine's bigger than yours... and it has a remote

    It was a few weeks ago when my wife, caught up in a tide of passion too powerful to describe in a family newspaper, looked deep into my eyes and uttered nine simple words that all married men long to hear.

    "Yes, dear," she gasped, her voice hoarse with emotion, "You can buy a big-screen TV."

    View Full Column | 22/01/2010 1:00 AM | 5

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