Doug Speirs

  • Protecting people from themselves

    Every once in a while, I like to use this column in a sincere and humanitarian effort to make the world a safer place for each and every one of us. That is why today I am calling on the federal government to immediately attach warning signs to everything, especially the toaster in my kitchen that is actively spewing flames.
  • Tribute to Seuss as new book due

    Even if you've never been to Mulberry Street or Whoville, you'll be thrilled to hear a new book by Dr. Seuss is set to hit shelves more than two decades after the death of the legendary children's author and illustrator. The book, What Pet Should I Get?, is based on manuscripts and illustrations found in a box (No, they did not find them with a fox) donated to the University of California, San Diego.
  • Big to-do over my dog's doo

    Note to sensitive readers: If you are easily offended by the word "poop," I suggest you skip today's column and flip to something more edifying, such as the comics.  
  • Terrifying treats that caught Doug's eye

    It takes a lot of heart to become a star in the National Hockey League. We assume that biological fact was on the mind of Washington Capitals prospect Stanislav Galiev when he pumped himself up by chowing down on a slithering snack during a recent trip to Vietnam.
  • Pop culture's top robots

    These are exciting times for people who love watching innocent robots fight to the death in armed combat. For instance, a sixth season of BattleBots, wherein nerdy techies wage war with remote-controlled machines in a booby-trapped arena in an elimination-style tournament, has just premièred on ABC to favourable reviews.
  • Rewriting Jaws for today's generation

    If you've been hiding in an inflatable wading pool for the past 12 months, we are currently celebrating the 40th anniversary of Steven Spielberg's iconic summer movie, Jaws. This thrilling film, wherein a ravenous great white shark treats a New England resort town like its private snack buffet, scared me so badly when I was a kid that I refused to get in the bathtub on the grounds a long, thin shark might squeeze its way through the faucet.
  • Denmark using festival-goers' urine to produce beer

    What with being a heroic environmental crusader, I am always on the lookout for pioneering organizations that are bravely converting bodily wastes into products that make the world a better place for each and every one of us. For instance, regular readers will recall a groundbreaking column I wrote nine years ago in which I applauded San Francisco for becoming the first city in North America to harness the power of poop.
  • The cats' pyjamas

    What, with being an "Outstanding Local Personality," I am frequently invited to climb off the couch in my den and venture out into the community to judge things I know nothing about. As regular readers are already aware, over the years I have been called on to judge everything from senior citizens' talent competitions to culinary contests involving everything from cheesecakes and chicken wings to elaborately decorated cakes and fruit smoothies.
  • A tale guaranteed to make you yawn

    It just swept over me out of the blue. It was Saturday afternoon and I was relaxing in a chair at the hair salon I've been going to for the past 20 years when, suddenly and without warning, I felt an overpowering urge rising from deep within my body.
  • Troubling fashion trends

    We've all been fashion victims from time to time, but this poor woman was almost a fashion fatality. We're referring to a 35-year-old Australian woman who made headlines around the world after spending four days in hospital with muscle damage, swelling and nerve blockages in her legs thanks to a rather unusual health hazard -- a pair of skinny jeans.
  • I could bear-ly contain myself at the zoo

    I suspect, what with the Senate spending scandal and the wildfires in Saskatchewan and the FIFA Women's World Cup, many of you are champing at the bit to hear about my recent trip to the zoo. I am probably the last person in this city to visit the renowned Journey to Churchill exhibit, but the problem is Assiniboine Park Zoo is easily a 10-minute walk from my house, so it requires some serious effort to get me off the couch.
  • Time for changing of the barbecue guard

    I was pounding out another ground-breaking column on my home computer the day before Canada Day when, suddenly and without warning, someone knocked on our front door. It was a team of thickly muscled guys from Home Depot who were -- prepare to be both impressed and extremely jealous -- delivering my brand-new, state-of-the-art propane barbecue.
  • How Canadian are you?

    There are only two sleeps left until Canada Day, and everyone whose glowing heart loves the True North strong and free knows exactly what that means. It means it's time to look in the mirror and ask yourself a difficult question: What does it mean to be Canadian?
  • Top 5 Canadian culinary creations

    Prepare to stand on guard for your right to party, kids, because there are only four more sleeps until Canada Day. That means, if you want to toast the True North, you should stop reading this article right now, race to the liquor store, and stand in a lineup that will be visible from outer space before they run out of two-fours, eh.
  • Weeping over a wee disaster

    I am sick and tired of being told that guys of my gender are incapable of sharing their innermost feelings. Some people -- and for the purposes of this column we'll refer to them as "women" -- believe the only time men reveal their emotions is when something bad happens to a dog in a war movie, or when they witness a beloved professional athlete sustaining a "lower-body injury" after being smacked by a puck or a cleated foot in a medically sensitive part of their anatomy to which we do not normally refer in a family newspaper.
  • Journalism like navigating a minefield of doggy doo

    Strangers frequently come up to me in the frozen-food aisle at the supermarket and remark: "Journalism must be very challenging for you, Doug, what with working on your home computer while dressed in a ratty old bathrobe." "Yes!" I always reply, scrunching my face to convey the concept journalism is extremely stressful. "It's very challenging."
  • Beloved cookie aisle... here I come

    What with being a crusading journalist with fire in his eyes, I was standing in the cookie aisle of my local grocery store the other day testing the limits of my self-control as I bravely tried to resist the magnetic allure of the double-stuffed Oreos and Fudgeos. My attention was focused with laser-like intensity on a large package of Fig Newtons when, suddenly and without warning, I got the feeling I was being watched.
  • Nice card? Not what Dad wants

    Hey, kids, there's just one more sleep until Father's Day, and you know what that means. It means you should drop whatever you are doing -- unless it is something potentially explosive, such as a baby -- drive to the nearest shopping mall -- assuming Dad will let you use the car -- and buy a greeting card that expresses your innermost feelings.
  • Top five shark attacks

    You can’t escape them, even if you don’t live near the ocean. We’re talking about sharks: those razor-toothed denizens of the deep that have fascinated and terrified humankind even before the invention of the TV, if you can imagine.
  • Giving a homeless pooch a chance

    Back when my daughter Kayleigh was roughly the size of a canned ham, she used to stomp around the backyard in a pair of electric-pink gumboots with our first basset hound, Jeffery. A few years later, when Jeffery died, we'd find Kayleigh, weeping behind the living room couch, tears running down her little face as she howled: "WHENAREWEGONNAGETANUDDERDOG???"
  • Not only a good caddy... I look luscious in pink

    I am facing one of the most difficult decisions of my career. This morning, for the eighth consecutive year, I will be at Niakwa Country Club caddying in the Manitoba Liquor & Lotteries Pink Ribbon Ladies Golf Classic for Hope, the largest women-only golf tournament in the province.
  • Almost launched my night flight to Venus

    It was one of those terrifying moments when your life flashes before your eyes. There I was the other morning, driving to a fast-food restaurant to obtain a nutritious breakfast, with both hands on the steering wheel and a feeling that all was right with the world.
  • Top 5 celebrity airline meltdowns

    It’s a question news editors always ask at this time of year — what the (bad word) would we do without celebrities? Then they offer a silent prayer of thanks that, as real news stories evaporate in the summer heat, courageous stars step up and throw themselves into the breach.
  • My Cup runneth over

    Eyes bleary from lack of sleep, laptop computer tucked under one arm, I stumbled through the front door of this newspaper Wednesday morning and, suddenly, there it was. Perched on a folding table in our spacious foyer, posed in front of a backdrop of Investors Group Field, was the Holy Grail of the Canadian Football League, the Grey Cup.
  • Surefire way to curb SPENDators

    It was during the wee hours of Saturday morning I was lying on my back in our king-sized bed pondering the vital issues of the day when, suddenly, my wife gave me a hard jab in the ribs. "Aaargh!" I grunted in the darkened room. "What the (reasonably bad word) was that for?"


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