Doug Speirs

  • That empty (nest) feeling

    Our neighbour Yvonne dropped by the other night for a glass of wine and asked what we are going to do when our daughter leaves home. It might have been a trick of the light, but my wife seemed a little misty-eyed as she pondered the question.
  • Wiener dog a wonder at weight loss

    IF losing weight were an Olympic sport, my miniature wiener dog Zoe would take the gold medal. I hate to boast, but the pounds have been steadily melting off our official "spokes-dog" since we kicked off the Pet Valu Fit Pet Project, a monthly series examining overweight and obese pets.
  • Kitchen cure

    There's nothing like a little home cooking to cure what ails you. Just ask Penny Maletic, who credits homemade pet food for giving her severely allergic, overweight dog, a 10-year-old Bichon Frise named Teddy, a new lease on life.
  • Blowing up bad music an explosive idea

    I'm in no danger of being awarded one of those genius grants, but I know a brilliant idea when I hear it. And the decision by a minor-league baseball club in South Carolina to demolish the music and merchandise of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus in an on-field explosion after their game on Saturday night was (bad word) brilliant.
  • Historic homers

    In football, the crowds go wild when a quarterback cocks his rocket-launcher arm and flings a long bomb. In basketball, fans freak out when a power forward shatters a backboard with a thunderous slam dunk.
  • Your weekend weather

    A chilling newspaper flyer was delivered to the Weather Column's door last week. "Brrrrr!" shivered the flyer, which featured three delicious-looking frosty tequila cocktails on its cover. "Remember the polar vortex?" Remember the (bad word) polar vortex? Really, cheeky little flyer? Oh, yeah, we remember the polar vortex! We'd like to forget it, but unfortunately that portion of our brain is still frozen solid thanks to the worst winter in more than 100 years.
  • The dog and his noisy duck are quack-ers

    When it comes to the delicate process of writing a professional newspaper column, it is essential ... "WAK! WAK! WAK! WAK! WAK! WAK! WAK! WAK! WAK!"
  • No holiday for hunger -- help out

    Attention Safeway shoppers: Extra-large Dougs are on special today. In fact, it's a two-for-one sale. That's what you would have heard Tuesday at the Linden Ridge Safeway, because Blue Bomber legend Doug Brown, who spent his Hall of Fame career terrorizing opposing quarterbacks, and I, a columnist who has spent his career terrorizing bacon-cheeseburgers, were called off the bench to kick off the grocery chain's first-ever Summer Food Drive in support of Winnipeg Harvest.
  • Folk Fest leaves the hubby home alone

    Just like every summer, I was abandoned by my family last weekend. My wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, and my daughter, She Who Does Not Want Me To Enter Her Room Ever For Any Reason, put on their tie-dye T-shirts and Birkenstock sandals and bravely ventured out into nature to dodge raindrops and lightning bolts and get their mellow groove on at the Winnipeg Folk Festival.
  • Trending that caught Doug's eye... celebrity meltdowns

    "They can dish it out, but they can't take it." It's a famous bit of wisdom our dad used to trot out, and we were reminded of it when famously acerbic comedian Joan Rivers made headlines around the world by stomping out of an interview on CNN.
  • Your weekend weather

    We'd like to kick off your weekend weather forecast with the following question: What would the Winnipeg Folk Festival be without a little rain? The answer: It would probably be (bad word) awesome, but we'll never know, because of all the (another bad word) things in this world that go together, no two things go together as much as rain and the Folk Fest.
  • Just what a sick man needs -- King Kong vs. Godzilla

    I spent two days on the couch this week battling the Gastrointestinal Illness from Outer Space, which is how I came to watch one of the best bad movies in history. For those of you who are not snotty cinema buffs like me, I am referring to King Kong vs. Godzilla, a 1962 Japanese sci-fi creature flick, the third instalment in the Godzilla series, which was dubbed into English in an act of unspeakable cruelty against innocent moviegoers.
  • Protect pets from life-threatening heartworm

    It's a fact of life in Manitoba -- nothing can suck the joy out of summer more than a bumper crop of mosquitoes. And while the bloodthirsty bugs can drive humans away from patios and backyards, they also pose a potentially lethal problem for our pets.
  • When robots rule the world -- like now

    Every once in a while I like to use this column to remind readers it is only a matter of time before human beings become slaves in a futuristic society ruled by robot overlords. There is nothing surprising about this when you consider human beings appear to be getting dumber every year, whereas the appliances we buy are clearly getting smarter.
  • Trending that caught Doug's eye... supernatural beasties

    We hate to pull the rug out from under anyone's belief system, but there's bad news on the Bigfoot front. According to an Associated Press story we read and partially understood, DNA testing has taken a big bite out of the legend surrounding this legendary ape-like creature.
  • Weekend Weather

    It's the first weekend in July and our feelings about the current moist-weather situation are best summed up by the 1970 global smash hit In the Summertime, wherein legendary British band Mungo Jerry sang the following timeless lyrics: SDLqIn the summertime when the weather is high/You can stretch right up and touch the sky ... Sing along with us, dee-dee dee-dee de/Da doo da-da da, yeah, we're hap-pap-py/Da da da, dee da doo dee da doo da doo da/Da doo da-da da, dee da da dee da da!"
  • Canine-ingestion crisis unfolds

    I'm afraid this is only the tip of an extremely disgusting iceberg. I am referring here to the latest example of a disturbing global trend wherein badly behaved dogs are eating valuable items, forcing their owners to recover them via methods that put their personal hygiene at serious risk.
  • Yabba dabba doo over doo-doo

    Every once in a while you stumble on a scientific discovery so totally shocking it leaves you totally shocked. That's exactly how I felt during the holiday weekend when I spotted an online news item that appeared under this alarming headline: Oldest human poop study says Neanderthals ate their veggies! Scientists from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the University of La Laguna in Spain were rooting around in a Spanish archeological site recently when they made a shocking discovery.
  • Are you really a Canadian? Find out here

    There's only one more sleep until Canada Day, and all you tuque-wearing hosers know exactly what that means. It means right now I should be draining the puddles in my backyard to get ready for our annual holiday barbecue, but instead I'm stuck in front of our home computer, drinking lukewarm coffee and trying to think of a topic to celebrate the fact our great nation is about to turn 147.
  • Trending that caught Doug's eye... tales of the teeth

    You might say Jonathan Braeck is one of the luckiest men in the world. The Swedish soccer fan is reportedly one of more than 100 people around the world who cashed in on an unlikely bet -- that Uruguay star Luis Suarez would sink his teeth into an opponent during the FIFA World Cup in Brazil.
  • Weekend weather

    Ladies and gentlemen, we ask you all to stand, remove your hockey helmets and tuques, place one hand over your hearts and join with us in the following expression of true patriot love: "Yippee, Canada!" Thank you! Here now is the weather forecast we would like to give you for Canada Day: "A mix of cold beer and greasy snack foods in the morning, followed by scattered periods of waving tiny Canadian flags and trying to find some place to park the (bad word) car at one of the jam-packed parties around the city, with a 100 per cent chance of spending the evening watching some spectacular fireworks in the company of thousands of other sunburned people who are feeling a lump rising in their throats because they live in the greatest country in the world."
  • Stinking out the joint

    My wife wanted me to take my clothes off. "DO NOT COME IN HERE!" she shrieked in panic as I slowly turned the knob to open our bedroom door. "TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND LEAVE THEM IN THE HALLWAY!"
  • Even an anti-handyman can be helpful sometimes

    I was lying on the couch in our den the other day trying to store up enough energy to cut the lawn when the phone rang. It was our neighbour, Yvonne, and she desperately needed to speak with my wife, She Who Must Not Be Named, who happened to be out for coffee with a friend. What with being a crusading newspaper columnist, I sensed something was wrong. "Is something wrong?" I asked Yvonne.
  • Birdie says Santa's on his way

    I'm not sure what you will be doing this morning, but I will be lounging in a comfy chair surrounded by penguins while 128 women I have never met before take turns sitting on my lap. Before you start jumping to conclusions, let me just say this is not what you think it is.
  • Trending that caught Doug's eye... the attack of invasive species

      If we hadn't seen it with our own eyes, we probably wouldn't have believed it.


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