Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Get a bit goofy in bed and see how he likes it

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend, who's 18 going on 13, likes to do everything differently. I don't know if he's a show-off, an eccentric or just plain crazy. For instance, he pulls the covers out at the bottom and he likes to sleep upside down holding my feet after we have made love. My best friend says maybe it's because I have bad breath from my braces, but I asked him and he denied it. What do you think? I love this nutty guy and don't want to throw the relationship out. He's very funny, and a musician too. -- In Love With a Goofy Guy, Osborne Village
  • Partner's touches and affection shouldn't creep you out

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I grew up in an unloving home, but my wife did not. She showers me with love and affection, and at first I liked it, but lately I have been feeling suffocated. I know she thinks this is some kind of therapy for me, but it's a bit like being mauled. I observe us in groups and she is the only wife with her hands all over her husband all the time. Last week I told her that she touches me so much it sometimes gives me the creeps. That "creeps" word just snuck out. She was instantly hurt, looked kind of horrified and cried. Now she has withdrawn into a hole. She seems embarrassed and crushed. I don't know how to get us out of this terrible situation. She sleeps as far away from me in the bed as she can, careful not to touch me at all. I already miss being touched, though I know I can't go back to being mauled. Please help us. I don't know how we can recover from this. She can't even look at me. Will I be... -- Untouched Forever? St. Vital
  • Commune marriage still counts, even if not legal

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: At 49, I just married the love of my life, only to find out he was married one more time than he told me about. He took me to his hometown in Ontario last weekend and we visited his aunt and grandma. When we went to the grocery store, the busty woman who was taking the money reached across the little counter and said, "How about a kiss for your first wife?" and laughed like it was the funniest joke on earth. When we got to the car I yelled at him to explain, and he said he married her at 19 and left her at 20. "It wasn't legal, no biggie," he said.
  • Getting bugged out by glasses in bed

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new husband has started wearing his glasses to bed. He says he wants to see "everything" and his eyesight is so poor he's "deprived" of the sights other men see when they are making love. Really? Other people make love in the dark! Last night he came to bed with his glasses on and I thought he had just forgotten them. I went to take them off and he said, "No, I want to be able to see what I'm kissing and touching." I felt revolted, like I was about to be a bug under a microscope. I finally jumped out of bed, told him he was acting weird and went and slept in the guest room. We belong to a conservative religion. I was a virgin until I was married. I'm really sorry he's got poor eyesight, but I refuse to be in bed with a man who's wearing his glasses under the covers. -- Woman, Not a Bug, East Kildonan
  • Fling with boss at conference won't be secret at office for long

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went out for lunch with my boss and he came on to me. To be specific, he asked if I would like to accompany him on a trip to Mexico where we could have a lot of fun, attend a conference and no one would be the wiser. He's not married, but he is my boss. He knows I have a crush on him and he doesn't have a girlfriend at the moment. The job I have at this firm is nothing I care about in terms of the future. I attend night classes because I want to get into a whole different field, and this guy knows about all that.
  • Today's Horoscope

    MOON ALERT Until 4:30 p.m. we have the all clear to do business. The moon is in Pisces. ARIES (March 21-April 19)
  • Going ape over boyfriend's banana addiction

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I know this is stupid, but can you help me? My boyfriend craves bananas and has one stuck in his mouth every time I turn around, such as right now. I told him there must be something wrong that he has to go around looking like a big ape every day, and he just says, "Chill. I just like bananas." He consumes up to eight a day and says he "needs" them, thinks about them a lot and drives to 7-Eleven at night for them. Could there be something wrong with him? -- Big Ape's Mate, Downtown  
  • Moving in on former teacher could be mistake

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out my Grade 12 teacher is moving back to town after his marriage broke up. I was getting my hair cut in the neighbourhood near my old school when I heard this wonderful bit of gossip. I was always crazy in love with him and now I'm in my late 20s and he's freed up. How should I go about this? Enough years have passed that nothing should be a problem for him career-wise. I heard he's got a job here in Winnipeg in June. Should I just drop in or contact him on Facebook or what? -- Ecstatic Former Student
  • Audience all smiles at dentists' musical production

    YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: Toothache last weekend? Bet you were hard-pressed to find a dentist in Winnipeg. They were all down at the Manitoba Theatre for Young People, laughing their masks off at the third annual dentists musical comedy Young Frankenstein. About 20 fancy drillers acted in a no-holds-barred rendition of the naughty Mel Brooks hit. Huge crowds showed up -- dentists, orthodontists, hygienists, receptionists and curious patients who came to see their oral-care providers going crazy onstage. You could hear them gleefully stage-whispering, "That's my dentist!" Not everyone sang in tune and no one cared. Young Frederick Frankenstein, played by Michael Porco, was a totally believable grandson of the infamous scientist. Frank Hechter's Igor displayed impeccable comic timing. Chris Cottick as a great roaring Monster and Katie Davidson was a red-hot Inga.
  • Learn about interests before hopping into bed

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been dating this fun, exciting, hot and handsome guy for the past two months. We have barely made it outdoors on one of our dates, except to eat. Now, I find out he's a freakin' lake freak. Last Sunday he dragged me out to his raggedy-ass cabin in the bush by a hidden lake and showed me how he lives every spring and fall weekend, and six weeks in the summer. He goes straight to his cabin on Fridays after work and stays there until Sunday drinking beer, fishing and building stuff. You can even see through the boards in places and there is no insulation. The main place has electricity and a few baseboard heaters (whoopee) and an old fireplace, absolutely needed for basic warmth. It burns out at about 3 a.m.
  • One small thing threw a big curveball at relationship

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My latest boyfriend had delayed having sex with me for two months using various excuses. Finally we had sex at his house and I discovered the problem: he has an inordinately small penis. I know he was embarrassed because he was trying to apologize, and I just didn't want to hear it. Had he kept quiet about it, I wouldn't have cared, especially if he was a skilled lover, but he kept on and on. Finally, I got up, got dressed and went home. He keeps calling and I feel guilty rejecting him, like he says he knew I would. What should I do? -- Guilty as Charged, North Kildonan  
  • Last-minute wedding fears causing stress and tears

    DEAR READERS: We're rolling up to wedding season and the problems that go with it. Here are some recent letters I received from anxious brides-to-be and onlookers: Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wedding is coming up and it's gotten terribly complicated. My fiancé is now saying this is too much for him and I'm afraid he's going to turn tail and run. If he asks me to elope, my parents will be out thousands of dollars for deposits. His parents are paying for the Las Vegas honeymoon, which we could still take. But if he just wants out and bolts, my life is over. Help me! -- Terrified Bride, Winnipeg
  • Partner-swapping past disgusts new girlfriend

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got in with this wild bunch of empty-nesters at the lake who were doing some partner swapping and thought there would be more this summer. Meanwhile, I met a woman in the city who just threw me for a loop. I'm so crazy about her, I think I'm in love. Last weekend, in the spirit of openness, I told her about last summer's escapades. She said, "No bloody way are you sharing me, you perv! And I'm going to a clinic to get tested," and she took off crying. She's not taking my messages or phone calls. I'm sure she'll break down sooner or later. Love can't die over one little thing! Should I start sending her flowers? -- Not a Pervert, Winnipeg
  • Cuddle partner wants to do more than spoon

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I (both female and 22) were an asexual couple and we were loving it. We slept in the same bed, cuddled and were loving roomies for a whole year, and then all of a sudden she changed -- she said she wanted to experiment with sex. We tried several times and it fell flat. I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't want to touch her private parts and I didn't want her touching mine, though I do love her very much. She feels kind of like a sister, although I give her gifts, lovey-dovey cards and write poems to her. Last weekend she cheated on me. Her other best friend and confidante, who is a lesbian, took her to bed and showed her the ropes. Then she came home and wanted to teach me what she had learned. I felt betrayed and disgusted. I said, "Keep your hands off me. I thought we loved each other and we were exclusive." She said, "We could be again, if you would learn to love me physically." What can I do? -- Sideswiped, Winnipeg
  • You have always been second-best in lover's life

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Some 35-40 years ago I went out with a boy through four years of university; we were engaged that last year. He went away to grad school for the spring/summer. When he came back, he broke it off and broke my heart. We reconciled, but he broke it off several times after this. It ended with my having an abortion at his behest. We both married other people and had children. Three years ago we reconnected through the Internet. He worked out west, away from his wife and adult children. Eventually he came to my home city for a conference and I had dinner with him and showed him the sights. He confided that he had lived away from home for many years because his marriage was unhappy and he only went home periodically to see the kids. We started an affair, but later he retired and moved back to the family home to stay.
  • Affair with wealthy man shows true colours

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm in a mess and it's all on me. For the past three months, I've been involved with a man 20 years older than me who is intelligent, hard-working, wealthy and very affectionate. The mess? I'm already engaged to my college boyfriend. My parents are furious! My fiancé's parents live in the same community as mine, but so far don't know about my new guy. My friends, and even my married sister, are envious as they know my lifestyle would be far removed from theirs.
  • Dentist-led production a real driller thriller

    YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: Wild 'n' crazy Winnipeg dentists will be onstage Thursday to Saturday performing in Young Frankenstein at the Manitoba Theatre for Young People. But it's not a kids show, folks! Young Frankenstein is a full Broadway-style musical about Dr. Frankenstein's grandson Frederick, who has inherited the Transylvanian castle and discovers his grandfather's scary laboratory.
  • Birth mother's story deserves to be heard

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met my birth mother for the first time last week, and didn't like her much. She smelled like vodka and hinted she was down on her luck. She could see I had money. I said to her, "I'm not going to pay you for this visit. You have never been a real mother to me. The woman who adopted me and brought me up is my mom, and she was a great mother." She started to cry and said, "I'm so sorry, my son. I won't call you, but please call me again sometime. I love you and I've dreamed about you for many years." I didn't know what to say, so I left. Now I feel like I was hard on her and I'm feeling guilty. What do you think? Should I call her and see her again? -- Not Usually Mean, Southdale
  • Don't mistake sympathy for love when helping neighbour

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a problem with my neighbour: I'm in love with his beautiful younger wife. He has tossed her around a few times against the walls, such as when she tries to block the door, and then he goes out to drink some more. She has escaped to me several times lately. I'm divorced with no kids (just a dog). I don't know what to do. I'm crazy about this beautiful girl and want her to come live with me, but it's obviously too close to him. Last week when she was crying, I told her I loved her and would look after her. She said she didn't know how she felt about me because she was still too messed up to tell. I thought we could maybe take off to another province together, but then what do I do about my job? She won't leave him because he supports her and she has no job and no training.
  • Adding another bedmate could hurt relationship

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I are in our early 60s and have a very active sex life. She has expressed a desire to have a threesome with another woman -- a man's dream. I was in the lifestyle a couple of decades ago. She knows about that, but I have no idea how one proceeds these days. I value your thoughts and suggestions. -- T., Winnipeg Dear T.: Do you really want to go back in that direction? There are significant health risks in this decade with multiple partners. More importantly, there's the emotional risk for you. Are you in love? How much do you value this relationship? The novelty third player in a threesome can be pretty exciting for both partners, often more so than the "same old, same old." You or she could be hurt, even though you thought you were going into this as a tight unit and everything would be OK. Guys tend to think a woman can't or won't prefer another woman.
  • Big surprise: unsupervised teens had party

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My teenagers, 15 and 16, had a big party while we were away on holidays in Mexico even though we absolutely forbade them to. Nothing was ruined in the house, and we wouldn't have known except the neighbours told us all about it and about the kids hanging out on the lawn. Our kids have had parties here before when their dad and I were on another floor of the house and there were no problems. Now we can't even trust our own kids. I am also mad because we'll never have the freedom of a holiday away again and be able to leave them at home. My husband just yelled, "No more parties ever!" at them. I grounded them for two weeks. Is there a solution? I want to go away again next year in the worst way. We had a wonderful time and our marriage was rejuvenated. -- Upset Over Parties, Winnipeg
  • Look behind another door to find true love

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: What should I do? I'm in love with two women who couldn't be less alike. One is older than I am by seven years and the other is two years younger. The older one is grown-up, has two little kids and her husband is living in another province. They are almost divorced. My other girlfriend is normal for her age -- pretty immature, but very beautiful, a lot of fun and a great dancer. She's still in the party stage. I tend to hang with her on Saturday nights and Sundays when my other lady's kids are home. She invites me on family outings with them, but why would I want to go and be the fifth wheel? The other girlfriend is going to Red River College, and is hard at it, going to classes, working and studying. Neither woman thinks she is exclusive. I have been quite honest, but I've been wondering if I should make a choice. What do you think? -- Torn between Two Lovers, Elmwood
  • Crush on doctor not a prescription for love

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a woman in love with my female doctor. I know I'm making way too many visits, but I can't help it. She's about 10 years older and doesn't wear a ring. Is that because she's not married, or just because they might snag on things? I told my co-worker about my secret crush and she was snotty and mean and said, "Give your head a shake. The last thing that doctor needs is a patient chasing after her." People can't help who they fall in love with, can they? I mean, the first time I talked to this angel of a woman I knew I was in love. She looked deeply into my eyes and listened, and spoke so sympathetically. My co-worker says I owe it to the "that poor doctor" to find a different one, but then I would never see her again, and I'm no stalker. That's the last thing my heart wants me to do. What do you think? -- In Love With My Doctor, Winnipeg
  • Get lie off your chest to ease inner turmoil

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm guilty of causing someone terrible harm. Some years ago, I told a horrible lie that split up my best friend and her boyfriend. I got him in the end, which was my aim because I thought I loved him way more than she did. But when I finally got him on the rebound, I didn't enjoy him. Even though I led him to really believe she had lied and cheated, he never got over loving her. She figured out who had betrayed her and hates me for the lie and for taking him. He still thinks the lie I told him is the truth. Should I confess or is it just too late? It's been years now, but I go to sleep every night thinking about this. -- Eaten Alive, Winnipeg
  • Potential slave dodges awkward bedroom adventure

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went to my new girlfriend's house and she had lit 100 candles in the bedroom and the place looked like a big tent. We got busy and had a fine time and then she took me to the bathroom -- more candles and wine -- for a very hot bubble bath. I was getting tired. When we got back into the bedroom, she wanted more action, and this cowboy fell asleep in the saddle. She let me snore away until morning, but when I woke up I saw pieces of mistress and slave costumes and stuff. She hasn't phoned or texted me since. I never wanted to be anyone's kinky slave anyway. Maybe I dodged a bullet. What do you say? -- Almost a Slave, Transcona Dear Almost a Slave: You dodged a bullet, cowboy, since you're not into that "kinky" stuff. Several hundred guys reading this are wishing they had been in your place that night, but for you it wouldn't have been right. Actually, this hopeful mistress made a few mistakes. No. 1 was not asking you beforehand if you would even be interested in a power scene. Mistake No. 2 was soaking her would-be slave in a hot bath after rigorous sex, which was sure to make you nod right off. Not that it matters. You two were a sexual mismatch and it would have ended awkwardly if you had stayed awake to co-star in the last half of the double feature.

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