Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Listen up: a hearing aid will make life better

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm in my 30s and my wife has been bugging me to get a hearing aid. I realize I'm always asking people to repeat things they have said, miss jokes, get information wrong and cause her and the kids annoyance, but I don't want to look like an old man before my time with hearing aids hanging out of my ears. Yesterday my wife blew up, saying, "Get the damn things and problem solved!" She says it's vanity that keeps me from getting one.
  • Offer grandchildren's parents some alone time

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My two grandchildren came to stay with us for the weekend while their parents went to Grand Forks. I absolutely loved it. I am a very young grandmother and could still have another child myself. After they left, I broached the subject with my husband and he said "No!" so loudly you could hear it down the block. He said he kept quiet about being ignored in bed while the kids were growing up, and he would never go through a sex and affection drought like that again in his life. He said he almost left me at one point, but he loved me too much. I looked at him in shock. He never said anything about that when it was happening. Then he looked so sad, I felt sorry. He said sweetly, "I wouldn't mind having the grandchildren over a little more."
  • Being assistant for sexual scientist became work

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm tired of being a sexual guinea pig. I fell madly in love with a scientist who's always thinking up crazy inventions for sex. I can't tell you how many times I have helped him work out problems with bondage gear and swing-type products, and things have not worked out well. Sex has become work for me. Last weekend, I hit the roof. When I complained, he had the nerve to say his old girlfriend never complained about helping him design his "dream products to help people." I laughed in his face. "Then I'll just have to get a new assistant," he said. I yelled, "Assistant? Is that what I've been to you all this time?" He said: "I won't dignify that comment with a response," and pointed at the door. Then it got really awkward because he had to get close and unlock me from a contraption first, and he had tears in his eyes when he looked into my eyes. What do you think? Why was he crying? -- Hurting Assistant, Winnipeg
  • Fight for your husband against online succubus

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My life is horrible! I'm married to a guy who has rediscovered his first love. She contacted him on Facebook the minute she was free from her husband. She was separated barely a week and was online telling my husband her news. Of course, he didn't bother to tell me she was courting him online all the way from Ontario, as if she had a right as his "first and forever love." That's what she calls him. I got an accidental look at a private conversation about our "lousy" marriage and a naked selfie of her I'll never forget if I have my eyes gouged out. I would pack and leave, but there are pesky little problems such as the children we had together, our home and 10 years of a marriage with normal ups and downs. I love that man!
  • Rejection of 'marital aids' leads to nebulous warning

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband decided our young kids have robbed us of the great sex life we once had, so this weekend he brought home $240 worth of sex toys and massage oils to fix things. He said they were "marital aids," which I find to be a cringe-worthy expression. I don't want anything to do with his big bag of tricks. True, before we got pregnant and quickly married, we had way more sex than we do now when we have three kids under the age of eight. I looked at the strap-on he bought for me and said, "Take that disgusting thing back, and maybe I don't want you anymore if you've gone all kinky and that's what you want." He said there were no returns on the goods and called me "darling." I snapped: "Don't 'darling' me, and take that stuff to the garbage!" He grabbed the bag and went out to his truck and said, "Consider yourself warned." Now I'm nervous. What did he mean? -- Worried & Angry, Silver Heights
  • Bringing 'special friend' to reunion a fair deal

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 31, gay (seven years out) and I've been in a great relationship with a guy since last Thanksgiving. Soon I'm going to my home province for a family reunion and taking him along. It's the first time I've ever introduced my family to a guy I've been seeing. There is some concern from my married, conservative sibling, who has children aged three and six. He and his wife do not want to expose them to concepts like sexuality at this time, especially homosexuality. My main concern was they expected me to lie to their children. We discussed it today and I requested that we all refer to my beau as my "special friend." Not best friend, not boyfriend, but "special friend," in order to meet their request with only the tiniest of lies-by-omission. They insisted we not hold hands or kiss in front of the children, and we won't be sharing a bed.
  • Wife gets hooked on porn after husband kicks habit

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband caught me watching porn. He wasn't amused, nor did he want to join in. He has a reason: I created a stink over his big porn addiction and made him go to counselling for it to save our marriage. One day, when he was at a session, I wanted to see what the fuss was about. I found one website that was hot for women. I now have slight female-on-female and bondage interests, but managed to hide them for many months. How could I possibly tell him? "You're caught!" was all he said when he came home early and walked through the closed (but unlocked) door. I had been careless. He's barely speaking to me now. He thinks I owe it to him to quit. I don't see why I should have to quit watching what I enjoy. My problem is so much smaller than his and only makes me hungrier for sex with a real man. In his case, he stopped wanting me sexually because the women in the videos were so much larger than life, if you know what I mean. Help, please! -- The Hypocrite, South St. Vital
  • Stop leering at co-worker and get to know him

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Lust is my biggest problem right now as an ecstatic newly separated woman. There's this new guy at work in his early 30s who turns me on so much I can't concentrate. Last week he got shifted beside me in my department. He sits so close to me, I can smell his manly man scent and it's killing me. Yesterday I got nothing done. I couldn't even concentrate enough to complete an easy assignment for the day. My boss asked me if I was unwell, and I grabbed onto that and said, "Yes, I do feel a bit sick, but I can make it through the day." What a hard-working heroine. I'm sick all right -- in the pit of my stomach! I get queasy just looking at his back, which is criss-crossed with rippling muscles shoulder to waist. We are allowed to wear casual clothes to work, so he wears fitted black jeans and T-shirts that stretch tight over his muscles when he takes off his jacket. I wait for that moment in the mornings. His hair curls over his collar and he has a golden tan and blue eyes. I'm in so much trouble. Don't tell me to ask to have my desk moved. It's a small office, and anyway, I would prefer to suffer just looking at him. He's single and I'm in the process of getting divorced as fast as I can. He caught me looking at him recently and he stared right back with a knowing smile on his face. I figure he's just looking for it by pumping up and looking that way. Should I make a move? Please help me. -- Drowning In Lust, Broadway
  • An insulting partner is not worth keeping

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend insults me, like I'm his favourite toy to kick around. At a bonfire party last weekend he pointed out my widely spaced eyes: "Her eyes are so wide apart, you could paint a target in the middle. Ha ha ha." I lost it! I said, "And his (penis) is so small he has to stick a tiny little target on it to find it. Ha ha ha." Then we started fighting right in front of all his friends. Now he won't even talk to me. I know this sounds crazy, but I love him. The words meant nothing to me. He said to never email, text, write, phone or contact him on Facebook again. I went over to try to see him in person the next day wearing a sexy outfit, thinking that might soften him up. He had the doors locked and looked out the window and gave me the finger. Why is he being so stubborn? It's not like he hasn't insulted me in the past from head to foot, including my private parts. And I took it. -- Wanting To Make Up Now, North Kildonan
  • High-end gear helps enjoyment of camping

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went camping with my boyfriend and hated it. I don't need five-star luxury, but shivering all night on a hard mattress that makes weird squeaky rubbery sounds whenever you move is not my idea of a good time. My boyfriend said, "You'll get used to it and you'll love it in the real summer weather." No -- no I won't get used to it. But, I do love this guy and intend to marry him if I don't get eaten by a bear in the woods first. What do you suggest? -- City Mouse Loves Country Mouse, Winnipeg Dear City Mouse: Save your upcoming marriage with luxury camping equipment you buy if he won't: the pump-up, full-sized bed, the perfect pyjamas and cap and cutting-edge battery-powered reading lights and music system. There is nothing you can do about the thin tent walls though, so tell him, with a twinkle in your eye, that when he wants louder wilder sex, he will have to rent a cabin.
  • Meeting on bench just a romantic side trip

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a beautiful 30-ish woman at The Forks sitting alone on a bench by the water and we started talking. It was kind of cold, and after a long talk she started shivering, so I asked her if I could put my arm around her to keep her warm, and she said yes. That led to coffee inside and then an early dinner. Then I had to get home to my wife, who was hopping mad by then. I didn't care! She's cold to me. We haven't had sex in two years and I'm not an old man, yet. The youngish woman didn't ask to see me again, but she had some kind of ring on her engagement finger. It was an emerald with two diamonds so it might have been a ring she wears for decoration. I didn't ask about her ring and I wasn't wearing my wedding band. I didn't want the day to end. Now that's all I can think about and I have been back to that bench waiting around for her to come by. OK, I'm a fool. Now what? -- On the Bench, St. Vital
  • Being at the lake a hazard for his golf game

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I hate going to our cabin and the beach. I like the conveniences of home and the escapes from my wife that are in the city -- golfing and my golf buddies. In the spring and summer she takes a lot of time off to be with the family. This was great when we had kids who acted like buffer zones between us, but now the last kid is gone -- he moved to another province six months ago. I am facing a summer at the lake with just the two of us. Help! If I don't go, she will cry because she loves the lake and doesn't drive. I am stuck. If she weren't so weak and helpless I would divorce her. She bores me to tears and has for 24 years. What can I do? -- Prisoner When at the Lake, St. James
  • Binging and purging has girlfriend fleeing

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ate so much before I went to bed and then I threw up all over the place. This was the first time my girlfriend caught me doing this, and she freaked out. Her former boyfriend used to make himself throw up every day to maintain a strict weight for sports. Later, he became bulimic. I'm not sick -- I'm just a pig. I ate half of my giant birthday cake. I love chocolate cake, and it was a full slab. My girlfriend kept crying. "I can't go through this again!" she said. I explained that she wasn't going through the same thing, but I pig out on special occasions -- such as my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter -- and naturally throw up. I don't force it. She shook her head and said, "It's not normal, not to this extent, and those are my last words on the matter. Goodbye."
  • Web of lies to romantic interest unravels online

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a man on a train not long ago and he tracked me down on Facebook. That was a real shame because I pretended to be someone else on the train. Did he know I was lying to him? There was a time when I was in his compartment and he could have checked my ID when I went to the bathroom. I left out a few important details when I talked to him, such as the fact I was married. Now he wants to be my Facebook friend! I don't have a photo of my husband on my Facebook page on purpose. Maybe I could string him along. Today he went to my kids' Facebook pages and saw a photo of my husband and I with our kids and my hubby's arm around me. Now he's asking, "Who is this guy?" What should I do? -- Caught Up In Lies, Winnipeg
  • If he wants to be free, you've got to let him go

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My heart is broken in a million pieces because the love of my life through high school has decided to go to university without me -- in an another province. He just got accepted. I can't even function and I have important exams coming up where I need As. If I follow him without being asked, it'd be a big mistake. I thought we were a forever thing, and he used to say that too. Now he doesn't. What should I do? I can't just keep seeing him like nothing has happened. Should I break up with him now? How can I enjoy the coming six weeks knowing we may miss our grad together? -- Broken Heart, Winnipeg Dear Broken: If you really want to go to grad together, use the coming weeks to do a lot of talking -- really honest stuff -- as close friends. See a counsellor on your own to help you sort out your mixed-up feelings, and then see how both of you feel about the summer: together or apart? Your high school has counsellors you might know and like and Klinic offers free counselling most days of the week (call 204-784-4067 to find out their hours). If you are really feeling down, their 24/7 crisis phone counselling is 204-786-8686. Use it!
  • Hey, Red... time to bid farewell to your wolf

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm in love with a handsome bachelor of 47 with a big career in Winnipeg. This week the wolf told me tenderly he's really very soft inside, and that he's quite capable of love and marriage, if the right woman comes around. I felt distinctly he wanted me to prove to him that I'm the right woman. I told him, "You should prove to me that you're the right kind of man!" Then he started laughing, and he said, "That was exactly the right answer. You get 10 points!" We do have a lot of fun together and I have my own career. Tell me honestly what you think. -- Red Riding Hood? Downtown Dear Red: He's a games player from the word go, trying to get women to compete for him and even assessing points. That's really nervy! You think he doesn't say, "That's the right first answer" to every woman? Don't sniff at his bait again! Back right off before you get emotionally entangled and start jumping through hoops. Even when he's telling you about being a softie, he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes -- truly a wolf in sheep's clothing. He's stayed a bachelor because it's so much fun, plus he doesn't have to share his money or his home. I really doubt he's lonely, either.
  • Happy Mother's Day to loving birth mom

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Please print this on Mother's Day for the mother I've never seen. I just want to say thank you to my birth mother for not terminating her pregnancy, and instead giving me life. I hope to meet you one day, dear birth mom. I don't hate you for giving me up. I have two great adoptive parents and brothers and sisters and a dog, and I'm very happy. I'm also very grateful because my adoptive mom says it was a teenage pregnancy and it must have been very hard for you to go through with it, and have everybody know. Love forever. -- Your Birth Daughter  
  • Try dating women who have a masculine side

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a guy. I prefer women for sex, but fall in love with men emotionally. I am always stuck in the middle of a bromance, but the guy I like has no idea. I've had serious crushes on about three men in the last two years and couldn't do enough for them. I was there for a guy whose girlfriend had broken up with him, and there for a guy who needed help repairing his house. I would cook for these guys because I am a really good barbecuer, do errands and even volunteer to help them move. They had no idea about my feelings. At night they would see their girlfriends and I would see mine for sex, but it felt like I was sharing a fun sport. I don't have any desire to have sex with a man. What is wrong with me? -- Striking Out in My Life, Winnipeg
  • Husband's tight trunks putting her in a funk

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: It's soon going to be swimsuit season again and I have forbidden my husband to take his Speedo back to the lake. I was disgusted beyond belief all last summer, particularly when he would wear it on the swimming raft and freak out all the women tanning on the shore. He is not a young man and it is not pretty sight. One day I swam out there myself and saw looks of disgust on the young women's faces. I was embarrassed for me and for him. If he doesn't get rid of that thing, I'm going to get rid of it by burning it. Do I owe it to him to tell him? I remember you jumped on that poor lady who got rid of her husband's storage boxes in the basement, but isn't this a different issue? -- Embarrassed For Everybody Involved, South End
  • Readers come through with orgasm wisdom

    DEAR READERS: Below are tips to Cheated of Explosive Orgasms or Not, culled from the many who wrote with advice for the woman who didn't think her climaxes were on par with other women's. Thanks to all of you who sent in your generous help for this lady in sexual distress. Hopefully, she will find her way to the multiple orgasms she doubted even existed, but now -- after all these testimonies -- will surely be desiring. Read on! -- Your Miss L.  
  • Go with gut instinct when choosing a daycare

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is in response to Worried Dad, whose toddler bit his care provider. I believe you were spot-on when you said to get his child out of there. Most providers (I was one once upon a time) won't refuse to watch the child on a one-off instance such as a single bite. Child-care providers have a saint-like patience built in and would wait until the biting is a real ongoing issue before refusing care. Her reaction to not wanting to watch the child screams that something is wrong. Handy or not, get your child out of there! The small and temporary inconvenience of finding a new provider pales in comparison to whatever this dad doesn't know is going on. I wish him the best of luck, and hope he takes his child and runs, fast. -- What This Mom Would Do, Winnipeg.
  • Tell promiscuous woman to avoid your son

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm really mad and ready to kick down a certain door! There's a single woman in her late 30s on my bay who has been entertaining numerous men; it's her business, I thought, until now. I see the cars come and go, but what I didn't expect to see was my oldest son come tumbling out her front door. By the time he got in our door, it was clear he was drunk. His shirt was hanging out with the buttons done up wrong and one torn off and dangling.
  • Sister's big mouth starts family fight

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm single for the first time in 19 years and have been juggling several men. I've been having the best time of my life (I'm in my 40s). My husband was such a nasty alcoholic and violent jerk I had no sex with him the last five years of our relationship. My married sister came over for cocktails and started asking questions, so I thought, "What the heck? We're both adults now," and told her about my wonderful new love life. She went home drunk, called my younger sister and said I had turned into a loose woman (the exact term rhymes with snore) and would probably end up with AIDS. Then my youngest sister phoned my mother, told her and said that we were all fighting. My mom then phoned the three of us and yelled at us. I was so mad I phoned my two-faced sister who blew the whistle and told her that her husband has been sleeping around with bar babes for years and everybody knows it's because she's such a cold fish. Now everybody's mad at everybody. Please help us find some peace. My mother was crying the last time she talked to me and it broke my heart. -- Horrible Mess, St. James
  • Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Advice for a few people you might recognize

    Since there seems to be an appetite to see how Miss L responds to the woes of fictional characters, here's her wise counsel to imagined pleas for help from familiar folks on the small screen.

  • Learning some new dance moves will have husband wanting to tango

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband wants to go to private dance classes with a female instructor. He doesn't want me to come. He took private lessons with this lady before I met him. I don't know why he wants to go back when he has lovable, sexy me. I'm a satisfactory, though not a gifted partner on the dance floor. I tend to step on his feet during difficult moves. Is he secretly crushing on her? I'm not suggesting he wants sex with somebody else (I'm the best he's ever had), but it hurts me to think I'm not the one he wants to dance romantic dances with. -- Shall We Not Dance? Winnipeg  


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