Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Look behind another door to find true love

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: What should I do? I'm in love with two women who couldn't be less alike. One is older than I am by seven years and the other is two years younger. The older one is grown-up, has two little kids and her husband is living in another province. They are almost divorced. My other girlfriend is normal for her age -- pretty immature, but very beautiful, a lot of fun and a great dancer. She's still in the party stage. I tend to hang with her on Saturday nights and Sundays when my other lady's kids are home. She invites me on family outings with them, but why would I want to go and be the fifth wheel? The other girlfriend is going to Red River College, and is hard at it, going to classes, working and studying. Neither woman thinks she is exclusive. I have been quite honest, but I've been wondering if I should make a choice. What do you think? -- Torn between Two Lovers, Elmwood
  • Crush on doctor not a prescription for love

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a woman in love with my female doctor. I know I'm making way too many visits, but I can't help it. She's about 10 years older and doesn't wear a ring. Is that because she's not married, or just because they might snag on things? I told my co-worker about my secret crush and she was snotty and mean and said, "Give your head a shake. The last thing that doctor needs is a patient chasing after her." People can't help who they fall in love with, can they? I mean, the first time I talked to this angel of a woman I knew I was in love. She looked deeply into my eyes and listened, and spoke so sympathetically. My co-worker says I owe it to the "that poor doctor" to find a different one, but then I would never see her again, and I'm no stalker. That's the last thing my heart wants me to do. What do you think? -- In Love With My Doctor, Winnipeg
  • Get lie off your chest to ease inner turmoil

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm guilty of causing someone terrible harm. Some years ago, I told a horrible lie that split up my best friend and her boyfriend. I got him in the end, which was my aim because I thought I loved him way more than she did. But when I finally got him on the rebound, I didn't enjoy him. Even though I led him to really believe she had lied and cheated, he never got over loving her. She figured out who had betrayed her and hates me for the lie and for taking him. He still thinks the lie I told him is the truth. Should I confess or is it just too late? It's been years now, but I go to sleep every night thinking about this. -- Eaten Alive, Winnipeg
  • Potential slave dodges awkward bedroom adventure

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went to my new girlfriend's house and she had lit 100 candles in the bedroom and the place looked like a big tent. We got busy and had a fine time and then she took me to the bathroom -- more candles and wine -- for a very hot bubble bath. I was getting tired. When we got back into the bedroom, she wanted more action, and this cowboy fell asleep in the saddle. She let me snore away until morning, but when I woke up I saw pieces of mistress and slave costumes and stuff. She hasn't phoned or texted me since. I never wanted to be anyone's kinky slave anyway. Maybe I dodged a bullet. What do you say? -- Almost a Slave, Transcona Dear Almost a Slave: You dodged a bullet, cowboy, since you're not into that "kinky" stuff. Several hundred guys reading this are wishing they had been in your place that night, but for you it wouldn't have been right. Actually, this hopeful mistress made a few mistakes. No. 1 was not asking you beforehand if you would even be interested in a power scene. Mistake No. 2 was soaking her would-be slave in a hot bath after rigorous sex, which was sure to make you nod right off. Not that it matters. You two were a sexual mismatch and it would have ended awkwardly if you had stayed awake to co-star in the last half of the double feature.
  • Wife overreacting to tipping back brown cows

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This situation is so crazy I need some help. I'm not much of a drinker. I never drink if I'm driving. I've never actually been drunk, and even when I do drink, I usually only have one. I'm too much of a lightweight and control freak. Every now and then -- once a week, maybe less -- I like to relax at home with a brown cow (Kahlúa and milk) after the kids are in bed. My lovely wife of more than 20 years thinks this is creepy and dangerous and that drinking should only be done socially. This has come up before, and I infer that she thinks I have an alcoholism problem just waiting to happen.
  • Co-worker's body odour causing stinky situation

    DEAR READERS: People often write me about the bad habits of people they have to work with or live with. Here are two letters from people who are absolutely losing it over another person's habit. Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a co-worker who likes smelling her own armpits at work. She always wears sleeveless shirts under other shirts. In the morning, she comes freshly washed and OK -- just a faint odour -- and then she ripens all day. By noon, we are both sniffing her strong armpits -- and I don't enjoy it like she does. It's not like she ever goes out to the bathroom and washes or puts on deodorant. She just sniffs to know how bad it is, I guess. Or are there some people who actually like the smell?
  • Constant binging has wife cringing

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband gulps his food and eats like there's no tomorrow. He was often left hungry as a child, and I understand that, but things have changed. How do I help him turn that problem in his head around when I'm not a shrink? He used to see a psychiatrist and got through a lot, but never saw the food thing as a problem when he was in sports and burning up calories. He often overeats now and then has to throw up.
  • Breach of privacy fills house with tension

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm so mad I can hardly see for the tears splashing on the keyboard. I left my email open when I was at school. My mother read my sexy love letters from my boyfriend and the first part of one I was writing him back. It referred to our very loving, active and experimental sex life, which is none of her business. I live in the basement of our family house because I am finishing my master's at university. She then commented to me that it would be very hard to break up with him "having gotten so far into the intimate part of our relationship" and she gave an example. I went 10 shades of red and locked her out of my room.
  • Freedom from control freak a tough adjustment

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm kind of new at the lesbian thing after 20-plus years of marriage to the Dictator. I've always had a strong yen for a woman, and the lady I ended up with was irresistible. We're already living together, but what happens in terms of power now kind of confuses me. I have found a woman who's powerful, but she is encouraging me to experience my own power. I would rather let her be the boss, though. It turns out that's my comfort zone. My husband always ran everything. "Tell me how to help and I'll help," I said to her last night when we quarrelled over the garden decisions. She said, "That's boring to me. Gardening is not my thing, but I love to be near you." I just don't know how to stop asking her how she wants everything, and how to do everything. We have a chart up on the wall for a big garden and there's nothing on it. -- Big Zero, Winnipeg
  • Help friend escape abusive relationship

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My buddy's in a relationship with a man who has a substance addiction, has been arrested for at least one DUI, and has been violent to my friend, who is also male. He wants to end the relationship, but is concerned because the last time he tried he was choked and badly beaten. My friend has suggested they go to counselling and that he see a doctor to perhaps get medication, but his boyfriend refuses to go and says he's not sick and doesn't need medication. My friend was embarrassed and refused to see a doctor for his injuries or report him to the police. How do I help him get out of this relationship and away from this unhinged guy? He's so depressed and scared, and I am worried. His health and his job are suffering. -- Worried About Dangerous Dude, Winnipeg
  • Ex-father-in-law proves he's a scumbag

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband I split up a long time ago and recently his slimy cheating father and mother split up. He always ogled younger women. Last night I got a call from my husband's father who said, "Hello, beautiful, sexy lady. How are you doing these days?" Then he asked me out for dinner that night! I told him no, that it was creepy of him to call for a date. He got mad and said, "I always told my son you were a whore," before he hung up. I immediately called my ex and told him what happened and to keep his creepy father away from me and from our teenage daughter. My ex said he didn't believe his dad called me and that I was a liar. Should I warn our daughter? -- Worried About Creepy Ex-Father-in-Law, Winnipeg
  • Jealousy over mother's facelift causes nasty family rift

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom is a pretty woman, but had a badly lined face for her age from suntanning. She recently had significant work done and looks great. Now my two aunts are jealous and saying catty things. One of them made the mistake of saying in front of me how "vain" my mother is "to get a facelift at her age." I just looked at her and said, "Well, she does look a lot better than you do, and I believe you're younger by 10 years!" My aunt lifted her hand to slap my face and I caught her by the forearm. I said, "Don't do that, or I'll flip you on your fat backside." They know I'm capable because I've been doing martial arts all my life.
  • Husband's story of shame a shocker; he needs support

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was lying in bed with my husband last night when he announced he had something to tell me. Years ago he had sex with his older sister, once. He said they were in their early teens and too young to really know what they were doing, but they did it. Nothing came of it (no pregnancy) and they never spoke of it again. It still bothers him, and it's even worse now as he gets older and thinks of it as incest. It happened during a bad lightning storm when she slipped into his bed, clung to him and initiated the sex. When I said, "That's awful! How am I supposed to deal with this?" he replied: "You? I thought this was my problem, and you might be understanding." Then he got quiet, put on his robe, went downstairs and didn't come back to bed all night. What are we supposed to do? I see this woman every day. She is one of my best friends and we live close by. Now I want to go over there and slap her so hard and never stop. Please help. -- Deeply Upset, Winnipeg
  • Insist on mint-condition breath before kissing

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a boyfriend who's a chain-smoker and his mouth tastes like an ashtray. I try handing him mints when I first meet up with him, but he refuses them. And he lights up over and over. He even tries to get me smoking again, and I won't. It's like dating a guy in junior high, although I really like him otherwise. What do you suggest for us? -- Unhappy Smoke Eater, St. James Dear Smoke Eater: People in modern times are used to a few conditions, such as: "You want to make love with me? You'll have to put on a condom first." In your case it should be, "You want to kiss me? You have to brush your teeth or eat a mint first. It's not fair if it only tastes good to you." Don't nag anymore. Just back off if it isn't a good experience for you. Secondhand smoke, especially in a closed-in vehicle, can kill you in the long run.
  • Grey-hair remark has friend seeing red

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This friend asked me how I liked her new grey hair. I said very carefully it was a pretty shade of grey. She said, "Tell me honestly. Does it make me look older?" I stupidly said, "Yes, you looked about 10 years younger with your red hair." Now she's mad and hurt and not talking to me. Should I have lied? -- Big Mouth, East St. Paul Dear Big Mouth: This question usually brings on a sticky mess. It's in the high-level, "Do these pants make my bum look fat?" category of risk.
  • Talk to wife about her time with your brother

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm going crazy. I just found out my younger brother slept with my wife before we got married. I thought she loved me for me. I just found out this piece of information from a friend, who neglected to tell me until he got so drunk it fell out of his big mouth. Perhaps this shouldn't matter, but it's really bothering me. I hate it that my brother had already "sampled the goods" and I might be the rebound. It happened a few months before I started dating her. She went out with him a few times, they had sex and then he dumped her. That should satisfy my pride, but it's playing in my mind to the point of obsession.
  • O say can you see Watchmen singer?

    DANNY AND THE JETS: At the MTS Centre on Saturday, March 21, Danny Greaves, singer for the Watchmen, will warm up for his band's Burton Cummings Theatre show later that night -- by singing both the Canadian and American anthems before the Winnipeg Jets game against the Washington Capitals. Greaves, a former Winnipegger, is a staunch Jets fan; in the Motel Bar, the Toronto watering hole he owns, it's well known that he will show any Winnipeg Jets game on the pub's TV above all other choices.  
  • Husband has hard time getting up in the morning

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We're newlyweds and morning sex is a problem for my husband. I just love sleepy, half-awake sex -- I think it's a beautiful way to start the day as a couple. My husband doesn't want me touching him in the morning unless he's been awake for at least half an hour reading the paper. Sometimes if I wake up before him, I will stimulate him in his sleep so the part of him I need wakes up, and then I do all the work. This morning he got mad when I started that and told me I was "stealing" from him. "Really? Stealing? You're my husband! And besides, all my girlfriends' husbands like morning sex," I said. Then he was doubly mad because I had discussed him with my friends and he came off like a loser. Too bad! At least they're getting it. -- Forced to Be a Thief, St. Norbert
  • Little house on the Prairie not for you, so find new soulmate

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a mature 17 and have found my soulmate. I have known my boyfriend for 1-1/2 years and we are from a strict religious background. He wants to get married to me some day, but this weekend he told me he doesn't want to leave his family's home in the country and will go back to live there after college. He wants to build us a tiny house on his parent's farm property and live in it until his parents are gone and the big house is free. Ha! I can tell you right now I am not going to do this and have his mother keep her clutches on him. I know this "stay home on the farm" idea is her doing, as she dotes on her son and her husband is becoming old and tired. She already treats my boyfriend like a stand-in husband. She has told him she hopes he will finish college, come back and be the farmer and the man of the house. I refuse to share him with her like he has two wives! She is as strong as two horses and will live forever.
  • Husband's nostalgic post about ex troubling

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I finally got my computer fixed and saw that my husband, in my Google circles, posted publicly a video of a famous love song with the comment: "Every time I hear this song, (name of ex-girlfriend), I think of you." I'm more than upset. He dated her when he was 19/20, but obviously is still thinking of her now at 44. I remember when I met him, he told me about the song, how he went into a recording studio to sing to her and had it on tape. I've heard it. He says at the beginning, "This is to (name of girl), the one I love." I'm sickened and embarrassed. He posted that comment two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary. He told me he was drunk, probably listening to music, and doesn't remember posting it. We had a huge talk over drinks, with me doing most of the talking. Then he tried to turn the discussion on me, saying I neglected to tell him about something one of the kids did. I want to kick him in the throat! -- Hurt, Angry, Betrayed! Winnipeg
  • Follow sister's advice and check into rehab

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I sat in a pool of tears in bed last night because my boyfriend took off for B.C. yesterday. He left me a note in big black letters that said: "I can't do this anymore." I know I'm difficult to live with, can't control my temper, drink too much, hit him with things and am a big fat loser. My sister came over and says she wants to take me to rehab, but what if I stop drinking and he won't come back? I love booze -- it's the only thing that makes me stop thinking about my past. My sister says her counsellor helped her quit drinking and stop obsessing over our abusive family life, and now she is a new person, but I need more than her stupid success story to quit: I need to know my man will come back to me. I love him so much! -- Broken-Hearted and Drunk, Downtown Dear Broken: Use your deep love for your ex-boyfriend to let him go to safety and to give you the strength to get the help you need, independent of his being in your life. Think about it this way: if you had taken all you could take from a man who was abusing you, you would need him to get away and leave you alone.
  • Rage could be more than menopause

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I have been married for over 30 years, with normal highs and lows. However, shortly after I retired, the very sight of me as she got ready for work upset her. She would go into a rage for the smallest things -- once because I had touched her shoes. At dinner I dared not speak, since her rage was so easily triggered. She would sometimes just snap and throw her dinner, plates, casserole dishes and sometimes even plants and small kitchen appliances. I'd hide until she calmed down, but photographed the destruction so people could believe what I was going through and know about it if something happened to me. One night she even threatened murder. Every night I slept locked in another room with a pillow covering my male parts, fearing the worst. I discovered she was actively pursuing separation (I also couldn't see our relationship continuing), but I waited for her to drop the news on me. Then, as suddenly as it started, the situation changed completely. She was talking to me, seemed to want to communicate and even wanted to go out for dinner. She was back to her old self. I was happy, but scared this was only temporary. Then I found something new in a bathroom drawer -- a number of estrogen applicators. I did some research on the Internet and discovered that women go through menopause with varying affects -- some none at all, and some extreme -- which could include mood swings similar to people who suffer from bipolar disorder. The treatment is hormone replacement therapy (HRT).
  • Fear of fire poor excuse for wearing PJs with lover

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I am writing to you about the about the boyfriend who likes to wear pyjamas to bed. I don't agree with your response. My husband and I have been married 61 years and have always worn pyjamas in bed. My husband would always say: "If there was a fire, how would you look going out in the nude?" There is too much showing off of our bodies these days. Thank you for reading my comments. -- Decades of Experience, St. Boniface Dear Experience: You lived your whole life without a fire in the house -- 61 years of marriage, both of you fully clothed in your pyjamas, yet in bed with your love partner. While it's true you can pull the pyjamas off in a hurry, it's not nearly as sensual as sleeping in less clothing and feeling the skin of your husband as you drift off to sleep. And sometimes couples wake up in the night and feel romantic. Passion tends to flare up when you're still feeling hazy, and is easier to satisfy if there aren't two layers of clothing between you. Most people keep a robe by the bed anyway.
  • Find a friend for kissing practice

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a lousy lover. I have been told that in so many words by more than one man in my life. I am 30 and good-looking, but have no special man in my life because I've kind of given up. I'm afraid to try dating again as it seems I need "training" and there isn't any. I am awkward at touching and don't understand French kissing very well. I've read some sex books, but I need coaching. As far as I know there's no School for Lousy Lovers in Winnipeg, but I thought maybe if I could find a gigolo who is paid to be a good lover, he could teach me the ropes for a fee. How do I go about doing that? -- Unskilled in Making Love, River Heights
  • Disco-themed event turns up flash to raise funds

    ALL THAT GLITTERS: It was a disco-rama of flashing lights and even flashier outfits at the Saturday Night Fever gala on Feb. 28. Shari Wolsey and her organizing gang went all out, attracting 400 supporters of the Crohn's and Colitis Canada cause to the Victoria Inn. Premier Events by Emma created a hot pink, black and silver discotheque with a glass-tiled dance floor, surrounded by white leather sofas. Mirrored disco balls glinted on the tables, in the air and in the hands of the winners of the disco competition.

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