Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Don't ruin family by messing with wife's sister

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm no longer in love with my wife -- I'm in love with her sister who just came home from university. She has eyes for me, too. My wife and I haven't been getting along too well over the last few years and we have no kids. The younger sister is much more fun, beautiful and a lot more suited to me. We like the same things and can talk for hours. She lives in town at her friend's house. I love it when she comes over and we're alone talking on the porch. Last night after dinner, my wife asked, "Do you have a thing for my little sister?" I said no, but went red to my roots. She said, "Uh-huh, I thought so," and stormed over to visit her sister. She has said nothing about it since. Something tells me I will never be in the same building alone with her sister again. I'm so crazy about her I would sneak off to meet her if she asked me to. What is your advice? -- More Than Tempted, Rural Manitoba
  • Come clean about past mistakes, criminal record

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got into trouble when I was in my early 20s and ended up in jail and with a record. I am in my 40s now and have had a respectable career and lifestyle ever since I went straight and got training for a trade. I have lived with two different women, but never married. Now I have met the love of my life and want to marry her, but she doesn't know about my criminal record. I'm afraid I have waited too many months to tell her. What should I do? -- Embarrassed Ex-Con, Winnipeg Dear Embarrassed: The only thing you can do is tell her the truth. Preface it by saying you have a secret you don't tell people, but in her case she needs to know because you are growing so close. Then state your feelings and intentions, in case she doesn't know. At that point, you need to tell her about your youth, what happened and that you were found guilty, spent time in jail and have a record. Tell her what that means in terms of border crossings and any other complications.
  • Admit marriage is in trouble, confront husband

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm worried about the Ashley Madison scandal, where people who contacted the website to find people to connect with for an affair got their identity info outed. I almost looked for my husband's email and particulars today, but chickened out. I'm too scared! My husband and I haven't had sex more than three or four times a year for about five years because I got turned off of him. He complained bitterly for several years, and then stopped complaining over the past year and has seemed quite happy since. He works out of town a lot now. He also spends tons of time on the computer in the den, often with the door locked, and is very secretive about it. He often sleeps in there on a fold-out bed. I don't know any of his passwords, although I'm computer-savvy because of my work. I never checked him out because we have young children, a nice house and a comfortable lifestyle with friends. When somebody brought up the Ashley Madison topic at a barbecue at our house this week, my husband forcefully cut the guy off, saying, "Stupid topic! Let's talk about something else," and awkwardly changed the topic to golf.
  • Holiday in the woods not always romantic

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We just got home from two weeks of camping in the woods; it rained and we froze. I hated it, and wanted to go home or to a motel after the first four days. I've never felt less romantic in my life, and yet my husband was so turned on by the thunder and lightning, he drove to the nearest town and bought extra equipment and sleeping bags so we could tough it out to the end. It was like camping with a horny Scout leader. When it turned into a premature October during our final weekend, I was freezing and thought a tree would come crashing down on our tent in the storm, but all he wanted to do was play cards and make out. By the time we got home, all I wanted was a one-hour steamy shower alone, and to never see his face again. Then I read in your column about the people who hate each other on holidays. Like them, my husband and I are usually good together, but I can't stand the look of his face, or any other part of him, after two weeks of camping with the jerk. -- Seriously Turned Off, Back in Winnipeg
  • Ashley Madison users: fess up or shut up

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: All of sudden scores of people are badly in need of advice for basically the same problem: What would you advise people to do who find themselves outed because of the Ashley Madison hack? (Readers: that's the personals website for people looking for affairs.) -- Not One of Them, Manitoba Dear Not One of Them: Most people will just wait with a sick feeling to see if they get caught. If one's spouse is suspicious and goes hunting on the lists that were recently published online, there's not a lot the guilty partner can do at this point.
  • Preserve memories of dead lover in scrapbook

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a wonderful man almost two years ago and we hit it off immediately. He was 17 years older than me, but treated me with total respect. Things were good between us, and we talked of possible marriage in about two years. He died suddenly in March from a heart condition. He had two children. I met the son at Christmas and things seemed to go well. I called the son to give my condolences, expressed my deepest sympathy and told him that if he needed anything to give me a call. I haven't received a call to this day. I attended the funeral service. When I got to the funeral home, I got pulled out from the chapel by an usher (the son's landlord) telling me I wasn't welcome there. I was made comfortable in a small room with a camera. I felt so close, and like my man was there for me.
  • Emotionally abusive man is crushing your soul

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Four years ago I moved in with a man. When we first met, we would talk for hours about anything under the sun. I'd be myself, be honest and say all that was on my mind -- he was truly a friend. He told me he loved me for everything I was, and I believed him. Two years ago things changed. I asked him about a cryptic notation I found, then the lies and yelling began. I found anger and an insecurity within him that had never existed, along with a temper, jealousy and the ability to say hurtful words. I feel betrayed.
  • Wynonna love-in earns laughs and tears

    WYNONNA WINS IT: Was it a concert or a love-in? Wynonna Judd blew the roof off the Club Regent Event Centre with her powerful country-blues voice Thursday. No one has been more approachable at a Winnipeg show than the red-haired gutsy goddess.
  • Mysterious wedding guest left her a mess

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I saw a handsome man wearing a formal off-white suit at a wedding -- a James Bond type. I had a few champagnes in me already and was glowing. He didn't seem to know the wedding couple well, so I teased him about being a wedding crasher in search of women open to an evening of hot romance. He only smiled. He came in late and kind of stood at the door searching the place for an empty spot to sit down. It wasn't a formal dinner so he just sat there for a bit and quickly started circulating through the crowd. The dancing started and I worked up the nerve to ask him to dance. He danced with a lot of women, but mostly me at the end. I kept asking who he was and he said he was "a friend from out of town."
  • Divorce proceedings taking toll on father

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a devoted father struggling through a horrid divorce that seems like it was orchestrated in the Middle Ages. Essentially, my wife is holding the children hostage and demanding all our assets and the deed to our mortgage-free house while accusing me of purposely under-earning out of spite with only a six-figure salary. Her attack on my parenting abilities have no basis in fact. For two years now she has insisted my infrequent visits with the children be supervised. Her only basis being that I allegedly bad-mouthed her controlling mother, on one occasion, but I have never committed a violent incident toward anyone, ever. The court has approved a psychological exam that will delay the process even more. I'm missing my teenager's critical time of life. During these developing years they need a good and capable father, they don't need to be held hostage by a gold-digger. How, after 130 years of family court, has Manitoba clearly got this so wrong? -- Hurting Father of Hurting Kids, Winnipeg.
  • Husband needs to praise you if he wants sex life back

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I look best making love when I'm lying on my back -- I have a flatter stomach and I feel slimmer. Also my face looks younger. If I am on top and look down, my face falls forward, and I know this because my husband told me so and laughed about it. He was mocking me and it hurt. I am almost 50, overweight from having his kids and I have jowls if my face is bent over. I checked in the mirror after that. But so does he! He's not so hot-looking himself anymore if I look at him critically, but I still love him. The most ugly part about him is his nasty mouth when he insults my looks and hurts me. He wants to do all the different positions we used to do, but now I'm too self-conscious to do anything but lie on my back, look up and hate him. What can I do? -- Extremely Hurt Wife, River Heights
  • Naked greeting worth laughing about with neighbour

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I am in my 20s, recently got married and my husband and I are still in the honeymoon phase. He comes home every day after work at 5:20 p.m. almost on the button. I like to open the door to him in the nude. Yesterday I opened the door wide at 5:20 when the doorbell rang, and I almost died! It was not my husband, but an older guy in a suit from two doors down. He had our newspaper in his hand, mistakenly delivered to him that day. He put his hands over his eyes and mumbled something about the paper, threw it on the doorstep and ran off. Five minutes later my husband arrived home and I was totally dressed and still in shock on the sofa. When I told him what happened, he fell on the couch laughing and rolled off onto the floor killing himself. I was still feeling mortified. Is it really something to laugh about? Will my neighbour think I'm the neighbourhood you-know-what and open the door like that to anyone? Should I explain and apologize, or will that makes things worse? -- Overeager Newlywed, Winnipeg
  • Boyfriend's hot switch only turned on for men

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I thought my new guy was hinting he was ready to have sex with me, so I set up this romantic late dinner in my screened porch, with wine, candles and everything. It turned out that's not what he wanted at all. He told me that, although he loves ladies, he's sexually attracted to men. His bisexuality clicks into desiring a man-on-man situation when he wants what he calls "hot animal sex." As it so happens, I like having hot animal sex, but he wouldn't try it with me. What should I do? I want to have sex with him at least once to see him totally lose his cool with me. -- Just As Hot As He Is! Charleswood Dear Just as Hot: You're missing the point. This man wants hot animal sex with a man in a man's body. He may really love friendship and the emotional closeness with a woman, but he sees women in a different light -- one that doesn't include sex. Your letter shows you are not by any means a delicate flower, but you still need a man who wants sex with a woman's body and a female (such as you) inside it. It seems this fellow is closer on the sexual continuum to gay than bisexual, but is still working it out.
  • Make sure next partner is both kinky and kind

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had a very dramatic love affair where we played all kinds of games, including power games. It was always titillating, and I was always on my toes, not knowing what was going to happen the next time I saw my lover. Then he got transferred to British Columbia for work and we both admitted we wanted a warm body in bed instead of emails and texts. Into my life walked a very handsome young man who thought I was terrific and we started a lovely vanilla romance. He had a routine that he followed when making love that ended up making me restless and bored. The other night he was staying over and he got to Step 3 in his routine and I couldn't help but yawn. He said, "Are you tired?" And I replied, "Tired of that routine. Is that all there is?" He was totally deflated, hurt and embarrassed, so he put on his clothes and went home.
  • Follow daughter's lead disciplining her children

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had my grandchildren over for a two-week stay while my daughter and her husband went away for a romantic holiday. My daughter confessed they are hoping to conceive another child. While I had the kids, I treated them the same way I brought up my daughter and her two brothers. That meant they got some punishments when they were naughty, and a few painless, but startling, whacks on the bum. As soon as mommy and daddy got home, the kids reported me and now I am in deep trouble with my daughter. Her husband doesn't care as much. She says I can't keep the children again unless I promise I will never spank them. Jeesh! It wasn't even a proper spanking, it was just a couple of light whacks for running out on the road. What now? -- Grandmother in Trouble, Maples Dear Grandma: You're going to have to learn about your daughter's way of handling discipline and promise never to strike those children again, even if it's just a little whack. You are not a co-parent and you're from a different generation. You may not want to babysit the children for long periods of time anymore. Kids tend to be on their best behaviour if they're over for shorter visits. They don't wear on the nerves so much if you just see them for an overnight visit.
  • Determine if you can live with child's father

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a boyfriend and a husband. I love and admire my husband more, but he's always away on business trips he says are "important to our success." He took me for granted for seven years. In my sweetest dreams I'd like to have a great marriage with my husband and have children together, but he doesn't want kids. More than half the time he's gone somewhere on an airplane. I don't even ask where anymore. I suspect he sees other women for sex, but not for love. He seems to love me. My boyfriend is very sweet and now I have a better sex life than I ever did with my husband, even in the beginning. But now here's the problem: I am pregnant and don't want to have an abortion. I think the baby is my husband's, by timing, but I'm not sure. Even if it is my boyfriend's baby, all three of us have the same colouring. I could pretend and probably get away with it. All I do is worry myself sick about this. What do you think I should I do? -- No Abortion For Me, Winnipeg
  • Kick mom out, reclaim space

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is in her 50s and about to get her rump kicked right out of my house. When my dad died, she was left with more money than she ever had in her life. She was out buying all kinds of stuff and then suddenly put the family house up for sale. She sold it for a big profit and then got an apartment. She hated that within three weeks, and then started asking if she could come and live with me for a while because she was "dying of loneliness." That is not true -- she has tons of friends. I felt sorry for her and said she could come to live at my house with the pool for just one year. It has been three long years, and she has totally disrupted my bachelor life. Women don't want to stay over and have raucous sex when my mother is scooting around the house in her brown slippers saying, "Don't mind me." Now the only time I have sex with a woman is when I stay at her house, and many of them are turned off from the beginning when they find out I live with my mommy. How do I tell my mom her I want her out now? -- Unhappy Son, River Heights
  • Stop playing protective mother to self-destructive partner

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a boyfriend with extremely fair skin and red hair. We are both lake lovers and spend a lot of time in the sun. I am always slopping sunscreen on him and annoying him. I just don't want him to get melanoma like my aunt did. He puts it on once in the morning and forgets to do it again all day, even though he goes swimming two or three times. The other day, for the third time, I put sunscreen on his exposed and burned back and arms, and he said in a sarcastic voice, "Back off, mother." It wasn't the first time he said that, but this time I felt something inside me snap. Just a small but important feeling of suddenly being tired of caring so much for someone who doesn't take care of himself. It was the last straw. The feeling has persisted and he asked me why I am suddenly being so cool to him. I accepted sex with him that night, but didn't put anything into it at all. I just felt "blah," like, who is this stranger in bed with me? Important feelings seem to have drained away and I don't even care to fight with him about it. What should I do? -- Not His Mother, Lake Winnipeg
  • Dump chronic cheater and get child support

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My so-called boyfriend of four years cheated on me for the third time in nine months! He has cheated on me several times before. When he gets caught, he gets really angry because he knows what he did, yet he somehow suckers me into forgiving him. I found him talking to another girl just a few days ago and he tried to contact me today to forgive him. He said he was sorry and talked about how much he didn't want to lose me and his newborn son. I don't want to have any contact with him whatsoever. I'm not even sad or upset he cheated on me. I guess you can say I just gave up and am done with getting hurt every few months by this guy, but I don't know how to tell him I don't want anything to do with him. How can I tell him to leave me alone and that I no longer want to be in a relationship with him? -- Single and Happy, Manitoba
  • Lettuce discuss ways to squash veggie thief

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got hit by the veggie thief too -- I swear it's the same person Mad and Frustrated in Wolseley wrote in about. He or she somehow gets through my fencing and raids my veggie garden almost daily, only taking enough for one day -- it's the same pattern! I work odd hours -- not always at night -- but so does this thief. I can't hire somebody to watch over my garden. If this person needs food for the family, I would gladly donate it if they didn't steal it from me. They don't take much, but it's always the best stuff. -- Daily Victim, Winnipeg
  • Readers dive into divisive pool-party issue

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I disagree with your comments about Up All Night feeling left out of his neighbour's pool parties and your suggestion to put on a bathing suit, bring refreshments and invite himself to the party. It's not something I would recommend. Would you do this? The fact that this person is hot and feels left out is his problem. Doesn't this person have friends who own pools of their own? If they do, how come he is not invited to their pool parties? If he needs a way to stay cool, get an air conditioner. If he doesn't have one, take a cold shower or soak in the bathtub. If the noise is too loud during the parties, the next day he can calmly ask the owners to keep it down when they plan another party so he can sleep. Let the neighbour take the first step to invite him to the next event.
  • Bridezilla will revert to an angel after wedding

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to think my bride-to-be was the most beautiful, even-tempered, loving, sexy woman in the world. As we get closer and closer to the wedding, I have seen her melt down over the colour of her bridal flowers, scream at her gentle mother for disagreeing with her over napkins and turn on me like an evil witch because I agreed with her that her arms are a little bit plump, and she's wearing a sleeveless dress. Where did my angel go? She's been replaced by Bridezilla and I'm starting to get nervous about marrying her. My best buddy backed out at the last minute on his fiancée because she was being such a bitch. As it turned out, he has now realized he lost the love of his life. I was wondering if I should ask my fiancée if she'd like to elope and avoid all this stress. What do you think? -- Jittery Groom, Winnipeg
  • Gassy grandma becoming a pain in the rear

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My grandma has started farting freely everywhere she goes. It's like she got permission from her doctor and now doesn't have to excuse herself, leave a room or take care of it in the bathroom. Last Sunday, we picked her up for church and she embarrassed us through the entire one-hour service. I heard my dad say to my mom, "Next time we'll have to sit in the back row." My grandma looked at me with a sly smile. Grandma is starting to lose it a bit, but she also uses her decline as an excuse to get away with things. I don't want my parents to stop taking grandma to church. Is there anything I can do? -- Love My Grandma, The Maples
  • Black clothes don't mean black heart

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a grown-up goth in my mid-30s with a responsible job. I still wear black, head-to-toe and colour my hair black. I own some exotic pets (Dobermans, spiders and snakes). Underneath it all, I have a tender heart and I want love as much as the next person does. The problem is the girls I'm attracted to in my 30s find my look and lifestyle a little creepy. I can't be anyone other than myself -- I will always wear all black and look like I came from the dark side -- but I'm ready to have a wife and kids. I don't need my wife to be goth-looking like me, I just need her to be happily tolerant of my ways. What can I do to attract a great wife and the future mother of my children, while remaining true to myself? -- Hopeful Goth Husband and Dad, Osborne Village Dear Hopeful: Usually goth folks advertise themselves by showing their dark side in clothing, piercings and jewelry, but you're going to have to advertise your lighter, interior self now in order to attract a woman who sees that and appreciates your kindness and desire to have a family. If you're advertising yourself online, speak openly about your responsible job and your softer, loving side. Let it be known you'll always look goth, but there's much more to you and you're looking for a woman who is similar or willing to enjoy you the way you are. Women do not find it a turnoff if a guy mentions he wants kids.
  • Stop leading her on with mushy talk you don't really mean

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new girlfriend and I had just made love recently when she said, "I love you," and I didn't know what to do. To be polite, I did the chicken thing and said, "I love you," back. It was a lie -- I'm far from loving her. Although I like her and find her sexy, she's a ditz, and now we're even farther apart because she's talking about our future together. More and more I just want to escape from these talks and from her, but the sex is great and I've only had one other girl (it was lousy), so I can't stop myself now that I'm winning at this. I'm addicted to the sex, and I feel like a jerk. What should I do? -- Chicken and a Liar, River Heights

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