Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Send new guy walking if he doesn't like squawking

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm 19 and have three cats and a funny squawky bird. I love them all and they love me. My new boyfriend has a large guard dog who has come to my place once, caused a commotion and was actively licking his chops as he snarled at my cats and my bird screaming in his cage. Neither one of us is prepared to give up our pets for the other. He thinks mine are stupid. How could we ever get married? What now? -- New Love in Trouble, Winnipeg Outskirts
  • Take your 'hot pants' to a truly cool guy

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend jokingly calls me "Hot Pants" because I'm always ready for sex. He isn't. That's why it's not a joke. He loves my loving and affectionate nature and my sense of humour, but I know he's calling me names to cool me off. It's working. I now feel ashamed of my high sex drive. Should I try to cool off or dump him? -- Passionate Woman, Tuxedo Dear Passionate: Dump this guy on his head, girlfriend. Do you know how many men would love to have a warm, affectionate, loving, funny woman to cherish? Never stay with anyone who belittles you. You have so much to offer a great guy.
  • Let feelings be your guide with kissing cousin

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had dinner across from my hot-looking second cousin once removed, or so my mother calls it. We were, oddly enough, not feeling removed at all. In fact, the only removing that went on was our wandering away from the farm celebration and into the woods, where we kissed passionately against a tree. He is something else. I told my sister what had gone on when we disappeared and she told my mother, who gave me a talking to. What is the harm in perhaps dating your second cousin once removed? I am 28. -- Kissin' Cousins, Dauphin
  • Embrace your luscious size, then he will too

    DEAR MS. LONELYHEARTS: Where do big women go to meet men in this province? Yes, I'm a big woman, but I'm active and take good care of myself. I have tried online dating on and off over the last few years, but most men I meet there want just a "friends with benefits" situation, or are looking for someone to take care of them. I'm 37, with two older teenage boys, am generally happy with my life, but it would be nice to meet someone. I volunteer in Winnipeg, go to events there regularly and meet lots of interesting people, and many attached males (which are hands off).
  • Don't even consider 'trial affair' route with ex

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm still in love with my first husband. There, I said it for the first time. Don't get me wrong. I'm happily married to a very nice man who rescued me from my first husband who was supposedly having an affair. I believed what other people told me. The "other woman" was younger and didn't deny it when I confronted her in tears. I only found out the truth from her sister a few months ago. It has been driving me crazy me ever since! They had been working together and she had a crush on him and made up the story and told her best friend who told others, and it quickly got back to me. He and I had only been married a year.
  • Call authorities to resolve spat with nude neighbour

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My 30-something neighbour lies out in the backyard by her pool in the bottom half of a string bikini, bare-breasted. I have three teenage boys with bedrooms on the back of our two-storey house, and a clear view of this woman by her pool. In July I told her that her fence isn't high enough to shield the boys from seeing her, and she said, "Pull the curtains." She persisted in sunbathing semi-nude. Last week, one of my boys said she sometimes swims in the pool nude now. Enough! I marched over and told her to cover up, for the sake of my teenagers, and she said, "Your so-called boys are old enough! Your family is spying on me, including your creepy husband, so close your damn curtains!" I called her a tramp and a few other names. Please help me. -- Helpless Against Peep Show, Winnipeg
  • Put body-hating boyfriend out to pasture

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My live-in wants me to get a breast reduction. The word "cow" was mentioned! Now I don't even want to be in bed with him. We have a lease to the end of December. I am so upset and angry, I don't want to discuss it with him, and I don't know what to do any more. I just cry when he's not around. Please help. -- Love Me, Love My Breasts Dear Love My Breasts: "Cow?" What an insult! You certainly don't need this guy destroying your self-esteem with his cruel words and demands for an operation. Imagine if you told him you wanted him to get a penis augmentation! There's no fixing this relationship, and the lease is the least of your worries. Call your landlord about the change coming up and advertise for a sublet to take over the lease. You might sign it all over to your soon-to-be ex, if he wants to stay. It'd be best psychologically for you to start over in a new two-bedroom (no memories) with a friend as a roommate. You might also move in with your family for a bit, if they are loving and willing.
  • Use failing marriage to rethink sneaky love life

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have two men in my life and they are both beautiful human beings. I don't count my husband, because he is a bad person. He is a good breadwinner, but he is not a trustworthy man. He cheats on me every time I have a baby and am out of commission. That ugly discovery opened the door for me to see who else is out there. What I found was amazing. My lovers are both married -- and there is much necessary lying and covering up involved for us to keep this all underground. I do love them both very much.
  • It's OK to set some boundaries with your biological mom

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I found my missing biological mother and she's a real dud. She's ditzy, takes a lot of pills, and drinks hard liquor. Now she wants to introduce me around to all her big loser family and friends. I have met some of them, and that's enough -- a bunch of drunks and druggies. My adoptive mom was worried about my meeting her, and now I know why. I don't call my bio-mother Mom, for good reason. I'd like to say goodbye to my bio-mother now -- just like she did to me years ago. My adoptive mom says I should have an occasional visit with my bio-mom, so if I have any questions, I can ask. What do you think? -- Disappointed in "Real" Mother, Winnipeg
  • Think of yourself before violent ex-boyfriend

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been dating this guy for about three years and been best friends with a girl for 10. One day my boyfriend made a mistake and took some pills. He blacked out and we got into a physical fight. The police were called and he's in jail now. I went straight to my girlfriend's house after that all happened, and she said not to be with him. At that moment I felt like I never wanted to talk to him again. But his sister got hold of me through Facebook and passed on a message from him that he was very sorry and wanted to talk, so she three-wayed me when he called. He was crying and said sorry and that he wasn't going to do pills any more, so I said we could work things out because I found out I was pregnant two weeks after that happened.
  • Controlling hubby needs broader view of beauty

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 36 and look 26. I'm hungry and dieting all the time to please my husband, who married me because I look like a model. As a result, we can't get pregnant. I am hoping to have a child or two but the doctor says I'm too thin to conceive easily. I don't know what to do. If I gain weight, my husband will be unhappy and get even (he's proven it) and he may not be attracted to me again. If I don't gain weight, there may be no babies. I feel so much pressure now, that I just lose my appetite. Please help. He wants two babies. That has always been his dream. He came from a family of one child -- him! -- Troubled Wife, River Heights
  • Time to confront straying wife over affairs

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I are married over 40 years and right now, our relationship is great. About 4 1/2 years into our marriage she had an affair with a co-worker of mine. She admitted to the affair but has never been openly truthful about it. She never said she regretted it so I assume she doesn't. A while back, I found a hand-written list, ranking three men. I'm No. 3, a former friend of mine is No. 2, and an unknown but unusual name is No. 1. She admits it's her handwriting, but claims she doesn't know why she wrote the list or who No. 1 is. This is such a blatant and obvious lie, she insults my intelligence. I can only assume she's rating sexual performance.
  • It's about time to drop that torch, buddy

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can't get over my old girlfriend who was married this summer to a man who is not even half of what I was to her! She invited me to the wedding as an "old friend" and I was stupid enough to go. She looked heartbreakingly beautiful coming down the aisle, and I almost spoke out when they asked "if there was any reason these two shouldn't be joined in holy matrimony." But what could I say? "Because I know she loves me so much more?" A few years ago, I made the mistake of leaving her alone for four months between university terms to go off to travel with my friends. She didn't believe I'd be true. I was! But, she met another guy a month later and contacted me, to set herself free. After that, I was anything but true to her. I went on a rampage.
  • Good riddance to fickle boyfriend, snappy pooch

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend's jealous little dog is a leg biter. He has nipped me a half a dozen times and I'm scared and unhappy to be around him. Last night I gave my BF an ultimatum. I told him it was "either me or the dog" and he said this speech: "My dog is my family, and you are not, so it's the dog." I said, "I thought you loved me!" He said, "Yes, in a sexual and friend way, but not like family." So I have been dumped for a dog, and I have been a "friend with privileges" all along. How does that make me feel? Pretty lousy. -- Lower Than the Dog, Downtown
  • Lake foreplay OK, but best to stick to land loving

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband wants to make love in the water at the end of our dock. I know it's not healthy for me, and the water is too cold out at Lake of the Woods. I like playing around in the water -- necking and petting -- but I'm not turned on enough for the wild thang there. Besides, what if I drowned? He is put off with my reluctance, because he heard that another couple, who are friends of ours, do it in their pool. How can I get him off this topic? I just don't want to do it in water at all. -- Not a Sea Mammal, South End Winnipeg
  • Don't play sister's game: no shame in name change

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'd like to change my whole name, which I hate. I am in my 30s. The first names are for fat, old-fashioned ladies and the last name sounds dirty when pronounced. My sister says that it is immoral to change my name, even though she got teased for that name, too. She got married five years ago and quickly took a new name, but I will never marry! What do you think? -- Immoral Over a Name? Winnipeg  
  • Don't get knickers in a knot over outdoor shower

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My neighbour at the lake is disgusting. He has a makeshift shower with a hose and a circular curtain in his big back yard. I can't see him in the shower with my naked eye but I can see a clear outline with my binoculars. Should I send him a note to cease and desist? -- Lady Laker, Lake Winnipeg Dear Lady Laker: Sit down, have a cup of tea and relax. You're at the lake. People take their clothes off at the lake. Some of them don't put them back on again all weekend in the cabin. This neighbour is not appearing naked in front of you, so put your binocs down. Maybe you should try an outdoor shower yourself -- great fun with the sun pouring in the top. If you ask your neighbour nicely, he might lend you his plans.
  • Kiss-and-tell hubby needs to call off his leering brothers

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My brand-new husband is over the moon about our marriage. His ex-wife was not into sex at all after the babies were born. In my case, I can't have kids and sex is a happy hobby. I'm glad my husband is euphoric about our sex life, but did he have to tell his married brothers? Now they look at me at the lake like I'm something to eat, as in dessert. I caught one staring, and said, "What are YOU looking at?' and he said, "Your nice, uh, bathing suit." I looked down, and he smirked. I blew it. What should I say next time? -- Not a Morsel, River Heights Dear Not a Morsel: Talk to your darling bugle boy and tell him about the problem he caused. Say you want it fixed. This suggestion from you will encourage him. He can tell his brothers to put their eyes back in their heads, or you will ask their wives to do it. Tell him that's "a promise, not a threat," as if there's any difference.
  • Best that intercultural flirt didn't become relationship

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a beautiful guy from another country at Folklorama. It was the late show and he was hanging around his country's pavilion. He was absolutely gorgeous with the biggest brown eyes. He didn't speak English too badly, goes to university, and was handsome and charming. We went outside together to get some air later. We talked, held hands and shared a kiss under the moon. At the end of the night, I asked him for his phone number and he laughed and said, "Oh no. I can't do that. I am only going to university here. I am betrothed back home. My aunt and uncle would tell my parents and I would be sent on the first plane home!" So why did he flirt with me and kiss me then? -- Confused and Hurt, West End
  • Sex with cheating ex a waste of time, energy

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Ugh! My ex's new girlfriend is so annoying. I've never had a problem with her and wasn't even upset they got together, shortly after I dumped him. Like, please, if he was worth keeping, I would still have him. What she doesn't know is that he's been cheating on her -- with me. She acts like she's better than me, and all I want to do is tell her I've been sleeping with her perfect boyfriend. I want to wipe that stupid smirk off her face. But I have zero feelings for my ex, and I don't want him back either. What to do? Tell her and break them up? But for what? I don't want to date him, and I don't want to deal with her yappy drama ether. But I can't keep it a secret, or can I ? -- Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don't, Northern Manitoba
  • Did food fight put fork in relationship?

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This little fiasco happened when I was out for dinner with my new man at The Forks -- third date, no sex yet. We were liking each other a lot until my entrée arrived. Then, without asking my permission, he reached over and plucked two large, delicious shrimp from my dinner. Not being a shy person, I reached right back and took a large piece of meat off his plate without asking his permission. He looked shocked, but got the point. Then he put the one uneaten shrimp back on my plate, and I cut off half the meat and gave it back to him. We said nothing more about it, but conversation was stilted after that. He hasn't called for three days, which is unlike him -- a guy who regularly texts six times a day. Is it over? Should I call him and hint the next time would be make-up sex? -- Need Strategy, Tuxedo Dear Strategy: Don't offer your body. Verbal communication is what both of you have been lacking and a sex-only incident wouldn't help either one of you learn respect for each other. Sex should be a celebration for a new couple, not a peace offering. You might email or text him and ask if you could make peace over the silly food fight while enjoying a patio drink or two. Make that meeting time 8 p.m. or later (not dinner again). You need the temperature outside to be cooling off, too. Heated discussions are worse in full sun when people are crankier. So cool off together at a new place and find out how he would have liked you to respond when he commandeered your shrimp. Grabbing his steak was like an brother-sister fight and stalled the passion he may have been feeling.
  • Flowery note may help ease odour coming from couch

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I ate a lot of barbecued food and drank a few beers in the sun and then puked at my buddy's parents' cabin on an ugly couch. He didn't care, but his mother was grossed out and made up some excuse why he and I had to go back to the city early. I didn't mean to honk all over the ancient sofa on the screened-in porch, and it was ugly anyway. She said it was OK, but she was fussing about it all morning trying to get the smell out with baking soda. I went home in shame. But I'm not a quitter! I'd like to be invited back out there. Should I send the mother a note of apology or something or are my cabin days at their place all done? -- Shameful Honker, Lake of the Woods
  • Love hurts, even if you don't believe in it

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The love of my life says "I do not believe in love." He wants to me to sign a contract that amounts to marriage, without even saying he loves me or getting down on one knee to ask me to marry him. I refused his ice-cold offer July 1 and sent him away. I know he probably loves me deep down, but his parents' marriage was so abusive, and he heard so many awful things said and done in the name of "love" that he abhors the concept. He proposed this loveless union and his roommate says he is going through hell and sleepwalks through his beloved work like a zombie. His roommate's girlfriend tells me he calls out my name in his sleep. I can't chase him anymore. I want love, marriage, babies and the whole thing. Please help. -- In Love With a Broken Man, Winnipeg
  • Folk Fest lover now singing new song

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a guy at the Winnipeg Folk Festival and we hit it off and spent two days and nights together. The sex in his tent was magic. Now we are back in the city a few weeks and he doesn't answer my texts, so I decided to go call on him. He lives in an old apartment in Osborne Village and there's no back-door security. I took the fire escape stairs and banged on the door. He comes to the door in his undershorts and looks shocked to see me. He opened the door just a crack and said, "Go away!" Then this girl came out behind him in the kitchen and asked who was there. She pushed her way in front of him, and yelled, "Who the hell are you? I'm his wife!"
  • How do you handle it when diner's noise really annoys?

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Last week I was out for dinner with friends, and there was this guy at a table across the room who was speaking so loudly, it was distracting us from keeping our conversation going. Don't get me wrong, the restaurant was not a quiet, cosy place. It was fairly loud and full of excitement. But this guy's voice overpowered everyone's conversations. Other patrons were making eye contact and rolling their eyes, so it wasn't just my group that noticed. His dinner companion appeared uncomfortable, looking around the room a lot. Maybe she was hoping no one noticed. Why do people do this? Do they know how loud they are? Do they even care? Am I being unreasonable in expecting people to respect the noise level of the establishment and speak at an acceptable volume? -- Enough of Loud Talkers, Downtown


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