Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Husband devolving back into dirty scumbag again

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband was a scuzzball until he met me. I believed he had gotten over the drinking, drugs and loose sex once he fell head-over-heels in love with yours truly. He said I had totally turned him around. We tied the knot after six wonderful months. Now I believe he's back into all three sins again. Sometimes he comes home with damp hair, looking like he just had a shower, and he smells of girly shampoo. He gargles in the truck and spits green on the snow before he gets in the door. Sometimes his clothes smell of weed, even though he swears it's not his fault. He says some "idiot lit up near him." And where would that be? Not outside the curling rink, as he claims. More like a bar or dance club!
  • You are a balance beam, she needs a pommel horse

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm going out with a short little woman who treats sex like her old sport -- gymnastics. She likes a lot of energy and endurance. She likes me to let her jump up and "do tricks" with me, and wraps her legs around my waist. It is killing me trying to keep up with her and my thighs ache most of the time. I told my friend and he said, "If you can't handle her, give her to me." I almost socked him. How do I get her to slow down and how do I get him to shut up? -- Not An Acrobat, Winnipeg
  • You can love two people, but you only get one

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I snuck off and spent one sensual evening with a woman from work. I have a live-in girlfriend, whom I also love. I've tried to forget my one-night stand with no luck. I see her every day, and I'm a lovesick dog. We've worked on a lot of important projects together and I love her to pieces. But then I go home to my wonderful girlfriend and feel safe and happy again, until I go to sleep -- then my dreams are full of the woman from work. I'm a mess, getting very little sleep and my work angel keeps looking at me with her great big eyes, like she wants more. Can I be in love with two people at once? -- Caught in the Middle, St. James
  • Stay-at-home dad doesn't have to be so mad

    DEAR READERS: Sympathetic Winnipeg parents rallied quickly to help Mad Home Dad, the stay-at-home father who's feeling extremely frustrated. He's the guy whose wife declared herself "not as domestic as she thought" after having two babies in two years, and went to work full-time before Christmas. Here are some of the best letters, full of resources and support: Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I would like to pass on our services to Mad Home Dad. We are the Winnipeg Dads Group and we aim to provide a social network and a resource base for the dads of Winnipeg. We have weekly playgroup meet-ups, dads-night-out events, as well as events for the whole family. All of the ways to connect with us are listed on our website, winnipegdads.com. Our email is info@winnipegdads.com, or like us on Facebook.
  • Doctor cuts to the truth about hospital slang

    DOC SHOCK: Dr. Brian Goldman, Toronto ER doctor and author of Night Shift and The Secret Language of Doctors, will reveal shocking slang used by hospital staff and why docs and nurses talk that way, when he appears at the Rady JCC speaker series Sunday at 7 p.m., tickets $7. The host of the CBC radio show White Coat, Black Art is certainly not afraid of fellow physicians. In his recently released book, readers learn hospital slang like "yellow submarine" for a 400-pound patient with cirrhosis of the liver, incarceritis (jailbird faking an illness) -- and what's a horrendoma? Don't ask!
  • Dump office wife before you lose your real one

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a very beautiful executive assistant working for me who is single. She is everything I would want in a wife, except I have one already. My EA is just as interested in the business as I am, and she's smart, co-operative, friendly, warm and ambitious. My wife, who was chosen by me at 23 for her beauty and sense of humour, is a ditz. It is embarrassing how incompetent she is. She's always phoning my EA with demands that I leave work in the middle of the day for this or that mini-crisis. She is a stay-at-home mom with three kids, a housekeeper and a nanny. Surely that's enough staff to handle just about anything.
  • Reason for wanting to see ex just creepy

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just ran into an old girlfriend of mine. Wow! She looked younger than when I dated her 10 years ago. I complimented her on how young and beautiful she looked, and she gave me the indulgent smile you'd give a green kid. On the drive home, I figured it out. She must have had a bunch of work done, like a tummy tuck, Botox and/or a facelift. I heard you can even get your thighs and underarms done. Yech. Anyway, I found her on Facebook and we've been talking. I feel like asking her out. Should I? I'm a little freaked out by what I would see if she got undressed. Actually, I'm really curious. -- Dying To See, South End Dear Dying To See: Do this woman a favour, and stay far away from her. You're annoyed because she thought you were naive. It sounds like you want to see if she has railroad tracks all over her body. That would be a creepy reason for wanting to reconnect. By the way, that's not what modern plastic surgery scars would look like; they are minimal and often hidden. She may also have gone the gym route and resigned her body naturally with weightlifting and full-body workouts. Whatever she's done is none of your business. She needs someone who is on the same wavelength and respects her.
  • Daring sexcapades too risky, could ruin reputation

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is delightful, but a little perverted. Whenever we go to a fancy formal dinner, all he wants to do is find a way to get busy in a bathroom stall with me, or even a closet. I indulge his fantasy once in a long while if there's no one around, but have not let him go all the way. One night about five years ago we got pretty close in a large type of closet, and it was a big thrill for him when we got chased out of there by a young waiter. My husband held his jacket over his head -- a smart move because nobody really recognizes me. He is a respected 40-something man who thinks hoity-toity events are dull and says he needs something exciting to make him want to go to so many of them. A few years ago we had sex in an underground parking lot in our SUV between courses at a formal gala. He loved coming back into the dinner knowing what we had just done. The problem? I don't want to do this anymore. He's grown into a No. 9 on the adventure scale and I'm about a 7, and sliding backwards. I'm always afraid if we return to the banquet table all mussed up, people will suspect what we were doing. He hopes, in his mischievous heart of hearts, they will!
  • Tell lover hard truth about unsatisfying weekend

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just spent a weekend away with a new man -- and it was awful. I won't go into detail, but to call him the Minute Man wouldn't be an exaggeration. If I had taken my car, I would have come home after the first night. He wasn't even apologetic. He said he had always been speedy, though he could provide more "experiences" than any man in one night. When I asked how his wife liked three quick "experiences" in two hours, he said, "I don't know. She never talked about it, and she didn't like sex much anyway, being religious." Then he said: "Unlike you, she was a virgin."
  • Friend got a big ego boost telling you about his dates

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a male friend I really like. We're both in our 30s and get along famously. I have made it clear I am interested in more. Although we've maintained a good friendship, he's never said whether he was interested back. Given his history with women (very direct), I took that as a polite decline. Still, every time I see him, something little will happen. Last week he hugged me good night (a normal, friendly thing to do), but it was tightly, and then after a second or two, kissed my cheek. He did this after a slew of other small things (like removing some clothes to presumably get a rise out of me) over the last six months. He dates girl after girl, and I hear about them all.
  • Romantic trip goes off the rails after his admission of marriage

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a man on a train and we had a very romantic time. He didn't tell me until we got off several provinces away that he would never be able to see me again. I asked him if that meant he was seriously ill and he said: "In a way, you could say. I'm, uh fatally married." This is after we had spent considerable time talking, exchanging sweet words, necking and touching each other intimately (though always sitting up) at night on that train. I reached out to slap him, but he ducked away, ran into the station and was gone. I feel so cheated. I thought we had a real romance happening and it would continue long distance. For him it was just a pleasant sexy diversion, without going all the way. He probably doesn't count that as cheating on his wife.
  • Pickled performances a put off for partner

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is a show-off and it makes me cringe. At the bar he will do anything to get peoples' attention, such as telling jokes he's memorized off the Internet and eating whole peppers, which almost make his ears bleed. He is not happy if he's not the person everyone is looking at and laughing at. I have tried to reassure him he is a star in my eyes, but he has spent years playing class clown and has now moved on to Bar Bozo. I know what a sweet, wonderful, intelligent guy he is, but nobody takes him seriously. On top of that, he's getting a big beer gut from needing beer to be the ho-ho-ho funny man. How can I convince him he doesn't have to play the fool and turn himself into a drunk for people he doesn't even know well? -- Upset Girlfriend, Osborne Village
  • Lewd statement opening salvo in flirtation game

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was sitting at work on my computer when this cute guy walked up to me after a boozy Friday lunch (I could smell it on him), and whispered into my ear: "I'd like to make sweet, sweet love to you." I know him as a friend, so I whacked him away playfully, and he laughed and said, "I'm not kidding!" I didn't think much about it until I got home and started mentally undressing him -- and I liked what I saw. He's single, too. I've had some pretty powerful fantasies about him, and now I want to make them come true.
  • You can find love being a nice person

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: On New Year's Eve, I decided to go to a party and celebrate 2015. I had a good time and didn't do anything stupid -- just got drunk and woke up with a hangover. I took a break from my busy life: I work full time, look after my children, nephew and elderly mother and volunteer at a first responder service in my community. I have been single the last three years, and basically I felt I wanted to do something fun for New Year's. It's been years since I drank or even went to a party. Anyway, my best friend ended up with someone that night at the party. He said about me: "She looks out of place. She doesn't match with this kind of crowd or party life, but at least she's having fun for once." My friend asked what brought on this remark, and she said he told her, "A lot of guys don't dare go near her. She's the type that's respectable and she's a good girl." I'm thinking, WTF? What do these men want in a woman? I thought they were looking for someone who's good and who will treat them well.
  • Space out calls to partner so she gets a chance to miss you

    DEAR READERS: I often receive letters from people in jail. If you have ever been incarcerated, and have advice to offer these inmates from your own experience, please write the column via one of the addresses at the bottom.  
  • Co-worker becoming lecherous

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: There's this man who works in my office with me five days a week. He's so sweet to me and treats me nicely -- from getting me birthday flowers to letting me use his car for a month when I didn't have my own. He even kept it gassed up and put snow tires on it. He takes me to run errands and always gets the door for me. He treats me like a princess. But I don't see him outside of work and he's married with two kids. His wife and daughters live down in southern Manitoba, and from what I can gather, the marriage isn't a happy one. He's 30-ish and I'm 19. He likes to flirt with me a lot and wants a lot from me. He always talks about getting me a place to live with him, as well, since I live at home. Is this a bad idea?
  • Fight for love and affection not fair to husband or lover

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I love my man. I also love my woman! They hate each other with a passion. My husband just found out about my female lover. She and I are like two peas in a pod and we get along so well — complete harmony. It’s a balance: I have my emotional man, and he sparks me in discussion and sex and in teasing. She calms me and he stirs me up. I want them both, but now I have been found out I can’t have the two halves. She asked me to make a choice, although she tolerated my marriage before my husband knew about her.
  • Fight for love and affection not fair to husband or lover

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I love my man. I also love my woman! They hate each other with a passion. My husband just found out about my female lover. She and I are like two peas in a pod and we get along so well -- complete harmony. It's a balance: I have my emotional man, and he sparks me in discussion and sex and in teasing. She calms me and he stirs me up. I want them both, but now I have been found out I can't have the two halves. She asked me to make a choice, although she tolerated my marriage before my husband knew about her. He has demanded I drop her now and forever, or he will go. That would rip me apart. What should I do? I have no kids. -- Torn Between Two Lovers, Winnipeg
  • Snake trying to slither back through her grass

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I did a crazy, impulsive thing. In the course of doing research, I came across the name of an old boyfriend on a website. His name is unusual for Manitoba, so I was pretty sure it was him. I fell head-over-heels for this guy years ago, but the relationship ended badly when I caught him with my best friend. I was devastated, walked out of both their lives and never looked back. Upon seeing his name and email address as the resource person to get more information from, I couldn’t resist. I started my email with some legitimate questions about his company, but in the final paragraph I asked if he happened to be this guy I used to work with.
  • How to clear the air after stinky date night

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTs: I went out for dinner with a new girl and we had a great time. We went to her apartment after for a drink and we were necking, until I suddenly got sick to my stomach. I ran to the bathroom and was in there for 20 minutes, sitting on the toilet. There was no deodorant spray. There was no choice: I had to go home fast and everything ended up kind of awkward because we're brand new to each other. When I left, the bathroom was filled with bad fumes and I warned her not to light a match -- my little joke. She fake-laughed. Should I give up on this right now? It's an embarrassing start. -- The Skunk, Downtown
  • She wanted Harlequin, he gave her Forum

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been reading steamy romance novels and I asked my boyfriend to exchange erotic handwritten letters in our Christmas stockings as part of our presents to each other. He said he didn't want to, but reluctantly agreed to do it. So I wrote romantic porn, and he gave me a gift of down-and-dirty vulgar filth. There's a big difference between romantic sex and complete vulgarity! I didn't say anything, but my eyes filled with tears. I tore it up in the bathroom and flushed it. I have not wanted to have sex with him since, and it's been more than a week already. He has no idea why. I didn't know that's what making love was like for him, and I just couldn't bear the thought of being his partner in that. My best friends say it's my own fault and all guys are animals. Is that true? I miss him as a warm, kind person, but this has turned me off him in bed and I'm only 24. SDHp-- Miserable New Year, St. Boniface
  • Stop bringing 'A' game to playtime with lover

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a young lover who is lots of fun. I am separated and he comes to see me when no one's around. Why? Because he's so young it's embarrassing. He is never going to be my life partner, but he told me his New Year's resolution is to persuade me to be his wife. Wife? He's 12 years younger than me and not even through university yet -- a baby. I'm in my mid-30s. I have never wanted a real relationship with him, and now he's head over heels in love. How do I get out of this without breaking his heart? And an even bigger question: How do I get past craving the best sex I've ever had? It's sex like I never had with my boring husband. -- Shocked at Marriage Resolution. Tuxedo Dear Shocked: Right now you're living in a bubble where everything is perfect: no kids, no friends, no demands and no cranky moods. Summon the courage to burst it! He may dump you all on his own. You'll need to back off the seductive behaviour. Stop showing your best sides to him every time he comes over. Don't dress up anymore -- schlep around in grey sweatpants. You might introduce him to your friends and let him feel their arched eyebrows as in, "Who's the kid?"
  • Take a deep breath; why are you so afraid of being alone?

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I always wear my heart on my sleeve. I came out 2-1/2 years ago and began dating a female friend. She had no children, bad habits and lived like a bachelor. I have three kids, no vices and value connection. Our relationship evolved quickly. I moved into her house and we got engaged. Shortly after this, the fighting began. I stayed for a year before she asked me to move out so we could "start over" and begin dating. I was devastated, but held on for another year. During that time, she never came over to my house and we never spent any time together on weekends and holidays. I felt unloved, ignored and our intimacy was non-existent. I finally had enough and broke it off on New Year's Day. I couldn't begin this new year feeling insignificant.
  • His leg fetish turned out to be no hairy deal

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is a leg fanatic. He's always buying me lace stockings and sexy garters and such. I find it a bit boring, but I put up with it. This weekend he upped the ante. He told me he wanted me to play a little game where I would force him to wear the black garters and stockings. I thought of his hairy legs, and balked. Then I saw he had shaved them. I was even more shocked at that and said so. He got all embarrassed, said it was "just a game" and went home mad. Now he's not calling or texting. He warned me not to tell any of my friends, or else. What does that mean? I have a right to talk things over with my friends. We tell each other everything else. -- My Rights, Winnipeg
  • Something suspicious about solo island trek

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: By the time you get this, I will be reading your answer online in Mexico. My boyfriend in Winnipeg is furious. I asked him if he wanted to go with me to this tiny island off the coast of Mexico, but he said no. He wanted to stay home, work overtime and make big money. He expected me to cancel my plans. A few days before I left, he found out from a frenemy that I have an ex-boyfriend working on the island I'm visiting for two weeks. Just before he dumped me off at the airport (no kiss, no nothing), he threatened me. He said: "Do whatever you want when you're away, because I intend to. I won't be waiting for you, and I'm not sure if I'll be here when you get back." I am so mad. How dare he threaten me? What should I do? Does this mean we're on a break? -- Sun Worshipper, On the Island

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