Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Expert stylist will help repair terrible hair

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a 72-year-old man with a 54-year-old wife. We were out at dinner last night and somebody asked her to introduce them to her dad, meaning me. She laughed and said, "Oh this is my husband," and the people giggled and apologized. I was so embarrassed. This morning I ran down to the pharmacy and bought some dark-brown hair dye to cover my grey hair. I had never coloured my hair before by myself and didn't know it would come out a different colour. It looks terrible and my wife thinks it's funny. I think she's being mean, but I guess I look pretty stupid. I'm not her daddy, and I don't want anyone to think I am. What should I do? -- Horrible Hair, Crescentwood
  • Pool parties wouldn't be as annoying if you were invited

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My next-door neighbour has a swimming pool and parties in it until all hours of the night with his yahoo friends. I hate to be the killjoy of the neighbourhood, but I need to work five days a week. I have never been invited to any of these parties, and I'm just as hot and uncomfortable as everybody else in this heat. Last night was a typical weekday night and they partied until two in the morning and I could hear squeals and giggles and all kinds of shenanigans going on. I looked out of the curtains from my second-storey window and saw they were drinking and skinny-dipping. I almost called the cops, but I don't want hard feelings with any of my neighbours. I would feel like a big wimp if I went over and asked if I could join the party. What do you suggest? -- Up All Night, Southdale
  • Garage-sale karma will come crashing down

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently went garage-sale shopping and ended up at three sales in a row where the same ignorant glass collector showed up with her loud-mouthed girlfriend. We had identical tastes in garage-sale treasures and ended up in a war of words by the second sale. I won! But after I took the glass item to my car, which had the windows down, I went back to get my second bag of stuff and thankfully I turned around just in time to see the loudmouth girlfriend lift the item out of my car window. I yelled, "Put that back or I'll call the cops." She fired it back in the car and it crashed and broke. I really wanted to get in her face, but my husband said, "For 14 bucks, just let it go." I know her plate number and can't stand letting her get away with this. What should I do? -- Garage Sale Warrior, River Heights
  • Marital infidelity eating cheater up

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I cheated on my wife once when she went to the lake with the kids, and it felt awful after and I won’t ever do it again. Do I have to tell her? — Bad Guy, West End
  • Flirty boyfriend needs a girl to lay down the law

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is so good looking and sexy he has girls coming onto him right in front of me. It's even worse when he walks around without a shirt, wearing his short bathing suit and showing off his gorgeous tan. I admit I am really jealous. Last weekend at the lake he made me crazy by being polite to girls who were hanging onto him at a party and asking for kisses. That was not the first time that had happened, but this time I blew up! I asked to borrow his car keys for a moment and drove his car to my parents' cabin a half-hour away. He texted me to tell me to get my butt back to the lake with his car. I got my dad to follow me and dropped his car off with the keys hanging out. Now he's not talking to me and I love him. What should I do? -- Loving Him, Lake of the Woods
  • Get back to normal routine to deal with breakup

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been crying so hard I had to miss three days of work. I phoned in sick with the flu, but the truth is I'm heartsick. My boyfriend left me for a close friend of mine he had been seeing behind my back. His explanation was, "I couldn't help it. I fell in love." After I screamed at him to get out, he muttered that all was fair in love and war. I said, "Well, this is war then! Come back for your clothes later!" Then I drank half a bottle of rum and went nuts and cut his collection of expensive work shirts into strips. I threw them into black garbage bags with everything else and left them on the curb. After he picked them up, he phoned me yelling about going to see a lawyer over his shirts. I told him to go ahead and spend thousands. I'm devastated. We talked about marriage only three months ago. What should I do? I'm scared I'm going to lose my job and everything I love will be gone. -- Living in Hell, Fort Rouge
  • Flirtation game with golf instructor hits hazard

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a hot crush on my golf instructor, who is intelligent, well-muscled and has a great sense of humour. I find myself making a lot of obvious puns about sticks and balls, and the objective we face at each new green. He laughs, but I think it's beginning to get on his nerves. So now I'm racking my brain trying to make meaningful conversation so he won't think I'm such a ditz, when all I want to do is kiss that man. In my fantasies, I think about just grabbing him and laying one on him. He is single, although 14 to 15 years younger than me. I am single again and still a very attractive woman, or so I'm told. What do you suggest for me as I blunder about making a fool of myself? -- Foolish Crush, Winnipeg Dear Crush: It's high time you got a new golf instructor and left this young guy alone. Don't be surprised if he pawns you off on another instructor soon on some weak excuse, but don't question it. Although you may be a very attractive lady, and certainly old enough to know what you're doing, it wouldn't be good for this guy's summer job to head into the bushes with any of his students -- not even you. And he's already showing he doesn't want you.
  • Self-esteem can be fixed bit by bit

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been single for 11 years (zero dates) and am starting to get very worried. Whenever an opportunity comes up to pick up or date a woman, I turn cold and shallow like a statue and run for the hills at the last moment. I'm starting to think there's something biologically wrong with my brain. I can't afford to see a psychologist. There are currently two women in my life who I think are interested in me, and I'm attracted to both of them, but I don't want to try to pick either one up because I need more time to work on myself. I have issues with weight, self-esteem and finances. And I'm worried I'm just doing what I've always done -- making excuses. I'm in my early 30s and don't want to be single for the rest of my life. -- Worried Guy, Winnipeg
  • No. 1 answer in this family feud is... get a real apology

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend of two years and my brother-in-law got into a verbal disagreement at a family barbecue over a year ago. My brother-in-law went to make peace, but my boyfriend turned him away. Later that summer, my brother-in-law sent an email apologizing, but also saying the blame lay with both of them. My boyfriend still won't accept the apology. Now anytime I want to go out with family, or have them over to our house, my boyfriend won't go along or stay home if my brother-in-law is there. It is getting very upsetting for me, as I'm close to my family. Do I kick my boyfriend out or continue to stand by him and alienate my family? -- Family Feud, Winnipeg
  • Wife had no plans on returning to loveless home

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife started being really nice to me for no reason. I was suspicious, but didn't want to put a stop to the beautiful dinners she was cooking me, the thoughtful little gifts, massages and special attention in bed. Then she asked me to give her $10,000 to go see her relatives in Europe for two months. I said no, and the attention stopped. She finally told me she was going anyway and had half the money saved. She never worked, but I gave her a generous monthly allowance. I didn't believe she would go. She never had money like that back home.
  • Swimmer can't get over being groped at beach

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got groped at the beach. I was standing in the water in my bikini with a lot of other people around and this guy came up behind me, cupped both my cheeks, squeezed them and then dived under the water and swam underwater until he was 20 feet away. I pointed and yelled out, "That sleaze groped me!" but he dived under again and swam farther away, and nobody really heard me. I don't know what he looked like because I only caught a flash of him between dives. I get so mad every day thinking about it. If I ever found him, I'd belt him in the face. -- Violated by Groper, Wolseley Dear Violated: This creep would be so pleased to know you are reliving the groping experience and getting shocked and angry all over again on a daily basis. He thought he would only get to do it once, so take back your power now. See a counsellor for a debriefing session and work through this so it's no longer of any importance in your life. Klinic has free walk-in counselling at 545 Broadway most days of the week. Call 204-784-4067 for hours.
  • Preppy boyfriend's new rock-star image stinks

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: For some stupid reason, my boyfriend now thinks he's the world's greatest musician and has decided the grungier he looks, the better it is for his image onstage. He isn't even in a band! He's just getting invited onstage here and there. Now he has quit shaving regularly and started growing a beard. He's also growing his hair long and wears it down or in a messy "man bun." He's also stopped showering every day and he stinks. When I complain about his new look and smell, he says, "Relax. It's natural and this is who I am."
  • Record verbal abuse from stepchildren

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I have two children from his former marriage. I never wanted to give birth to any because I was afraid of the painful process, but I usually like other people's kids. These kids -- my stepkids -- have hated me right from the start because they think their dad cheated on their mother with me. Nothing could be further from the truth! Their mother was a tramp who went out and cheated on their dad with anything wearing pants. Their dad took the high road and didn't tell them. I met him after they had been separated for three months. We did nothing dishonest or wrong. I love my husband with all my heart, but I don't know how much more I can take from his kids. We see them every weekend, and when they are at the house with me alone they say terrible things to me, hide my keys, steal my makeup and generally treat me like dirt. My husband has heard my complaints, but thinks I must be exaggerating about the girls. I have decided we will have to live apart if this continues, even though it will break my heart. What can I do? -- Abused Stepmom, Fort Richmond
  • Don't blame yourself for amorous feelings

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've never had a crush on another woman before, but I can't pass this off as a "buddy" feeling anymore. I met this woman through our mutual love of gardening, and she lives just down the block. She's newly separated and I am divorced. I know she's lonely and don't want to take advantage of her mixed-up feelings. The trouble is, she likes to garden in the briefest of casual clothes and invites me to use her pool and hot tub. I swam at her place yesterday and all these strange sexual feelings came over me and I ended up abruptly leaving and running home. I took a cold shower, threw myself on the bed and cried. I don't want to be a lesbian. -- Fighting my Feelings, River Heights
  • Professional woman looking for love in all the wrong places

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a 47-year-old woman who has been looking for love online for the first time since my marriage fell apart. I have met good guys, bad guys, liars, freeloaders, mama's boys and guys who are looking for what my mother would call "the main chance." I may appear to be the main chance because I have a career and make excellent money. I try to hide information about my medical profession on first dates because it either interests a man too much, or intimidates the uneducated. I feel like I'm in the business of "advertising" myself and find it awkward and embarrassing to meet man after man who doesn't feel comfortable around a person he knows is earning $250,000 and more. It's even more embarrassing when they ask, "Why is a woman like you online?"
  • Pool fool can win friends back with splashy party

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Our new house has a pool and we were so afraid people would take advantage of us that we put out the word that we would only be having one pool party for the summer and would appreciate arrangements be made a week ahead if friends and relatives wanted to come over and visit us by the pool. I may not have been as welcoming as I could have been. I'm shocked to say nobody has asked to come use the pool, and only one family replied "yes" to the pool party. It is kind of lonely at our pool with only my husband and me using it. I asked my sister why nobody wanted to come, and she said, "Because you were snotty and made it clear you didn't want people to use your pool." How can I reverse my former unwelcoming stance? -- Lonely Pool Owner, Tuxedo
  • Triangle-shaped boyfriend hates being butt of joke

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend is built upside down. He has a small torso and shoulders, and a big butt and strong thighs. He looks beautiful to me, but he looks like a triangle. Because I love him the way he is, I didn't see any harm in making a comment about his unusual build. He happened to be naked and walking into the shower. I made a comment about how "maximus his gluteus" was. We both come from the medical world, so the joke was not lost on him. He grabbed a towel, whirled around, and said, "Nice going, doc. You don't find me pointing out your lopsided mammaries."
  • Ask for hard truth about new festival friend

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I don't like country music, but my girlfriend loves it. She went up to Dauphin's Countryfest with her friends and they had a fine old time. She sent me drunken photos of her and new friends they met at the campground. When she got home, she kept dropping this guy's name into the conversation, saying how annoying he was. Obviously he was on her mind. One of her friends uploaded an album of Countryfest photos on Facebook, and based on those photos, she clearly didn't find him that annoying! They had their arms around each other and she was wearing his cowboy hat. I'm sure sloppy kisses followed.
  • Proposal doesn't have to be a big production

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been carrying a diamond ring in a tiny box the last three nights of going out with the love of my life. I know she wants a ring, but I don't know how to propose without being dorky and just get stage fright. What do suggest I do? -- Speechless, Charleswood Dear Speechless: It's not about the stage; it's private. Take your girlfriend out to dinner at a nice place so she's dressed up, then to a little park around sunset. Sit her on a bench and get down on one knee. Take out the ring (so she gets the clue as to what's going on) and say, "I love you with all my heart and soul and want to be with you for the rest of my life. Please make me the happiest man on Earth and be my bride. Will you marry me?" If she says yes, put the ring in her finger, take her in your arms and kiss her with all your heart in it. Together, take some dual selfies, phone your parents and friends, tell them you got engaged and make the moment even bigger.
  • Too many sexy selfies from girlfriend feels weird

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend is very proud of her build. She keeps sending me selfies of herself from the neck down, and sometimes just of her breasts, which are totally natural and quite spectacular. Sorry, I really don't know if I'm bragging or complaining to you. I like getting the pictures in one way, but it's also kind of weird to get these headless bodies sent to me all the time. Some are sent from her bedroom, and sometimes I get them from a washroom when she's alone in there with the mirror. It's just freaky. Should I tell her to stop, or think of myself as a lucky guy and shut up? -- Bombed With Headless Selfies, Downtown
  • Getting into group sex opening hornet's nest

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I hang out with a group of couples. Recently we found out that two of the couples are doing the group-sex thing. I am mostly shocked, but a little titillated. There's a guy in our large group who has always interested me physically. I am caught between disapproving of the two couples who are doing it and fantasizing about my husband and I getting together with the man that interests me. I don't want to get it on with his wife -- I'm just interested in him. If I say anything to my husband, I could open up a hornet's nest. What do you think I should do? -- My Mind Is Spinning, Winnipeg
  • Give him a humiliating taste of his own verbal abuse

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Every time my husband and I go out socially, he takes the opportunity to belittle or embarrass me in public where he knows I won't want to make a fuss. Sometimes he takes shots at my family, but mostly it's me he likes to humiliate. It has gotten to the point where I don't want him to come with me when I go out. I have asked him repeatedly to quit doing this to me in public. Often, before we leave the house, I reiterate that I would appreciate it if he would not attack me and find something else to talk about. I also often ask: "What would you talk about if you didn't have me to talk about?" I am very disheartened and would like your advice: how can I get him to stop this bad behaviour? I think this is an insecurity on his part and I don't think this behaviour makes him look smart. -- Ready To Blow
  • Let boyfriend's imagination wander during break

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is an idiot, but I still love him, and he's my idiot. Then, along came this woman who decided to take him away from me by putting on a campaign of wearing sexy clothes to where they work, phoning him in his car and invitations to meet for no-strings-attached sex at night. He's a man, so he finally went.
  • Infatuation with star being taken too far

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Ever since the Shania Twain concert, my tiresome husband has been bringing up how sexy she looked. Finally, he spit it out. "You used to look sexy like that, too," he said. I asked if I don't look like that now, and he said, "Well, there's a little more of you to love, heh, heh," so I replied: "Good luck trying to get your hands on that, buddy." The thing is, I've carried two of his babies since Shania Twain became popular and he's gained a 40-pound gut with no excuse.
  • Crank up some tunes to drown out screaming symphonies

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: We rented a cabin at our favourite lake and recently spent a weekend there with a longer stay coming up later in the summer. Unfortunately, we discovered the people who own the cabin next door like to sleep in the screened-in porch, and she's a screamer. We endured two nights of her symphonies and are not looking forward to hearing that 14 days in a row. We are contracted to rent this cabin and do not know what to do. My wife and I are a bit shy and not the kind of people who could yell at them to keep the noise down. They will be there when we are as it's prime time when we go. What can we possibly do? -- Had Enough Screaming Already, Lake Winnipeg

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