Miss Lonelyhearts

  • Musician's groupie fantasy hits a flat note with wife

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband plays in a rock band, and when he comes home from a gig, he's so high on himself he makes me gag. When he was younger, he was really hot and attracted a lot of women, some who used to follow him home in their cars. The other night he asked me to fulfil a fantasy. He wanted me to pretend I was a groupie and follow him home from a gig, knock on the locked door, talk my way in and then blow his mind. I looked at his bald head and beer belly and said, "You've got to be kidding me." He was noticing my critical eyes. Suddenly I realized I was hurting him deeply. He refuses to discuss it, but he hasn't made love to me since. I tried to explain myself and only made it worse. I'm at my wits' end --what can I do? -- Big Mouth or What, North End
  • Look at upside of losing drama queen to friend

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I had my heart smashed a month ago by this drama queen I loved. At first it was easy to stay away -- I felt liberated from her crap. There were no more fights or fusses. I didn't have to sleep with the cellphone by my head. My best friend congratulated me on getting rid of her. Then I found out he knew she was dumping me ahead of time because he was already seeing her. His casual-sex buddy -- a messed-up woman who's in love with him -- came over and snitched on him. It really burns me to find out he had been listening to my troubles with her and learning exactly how to get to her heart. I told him everything. I wonder how long they've been seeing each other behind my back?
  • Find out if husband has always been a bum

    Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to the beach and got a burn. My mother-in-law got on me about getting cancer. What if I got cancer and died and left my poor wife and kids alone, blah blah blah. I said: "Then they'll all have to come and live with you, and you'd love that." Then she said, "You're a crazy man. You're talking like I'd like to see you dead." I said, "Well, sometimes I get that feeling because you are always addressing me with doom-and-gloom stories that have to do with me." She replied, "You pain-in-the-ass psychologists are all the same, imagining stuff when it isn't there. My poor daughter, married to you!"
  • One-night stand here over a week

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met a sexually exciting man with a kind of dangerous edge to him at a dance club. I was attracted to his scowl and wondered what I could do to make him smile (five points) or laugh (10 points). I succeeded at both and took him home for a one-night adventure (100 points). But, he still hasn't left! Although he was well-dressed, he was "between apartments" and had nowhere to go. He has more than paid for his half of the rent by being the best sex partner I ever had, but he makes no effort to go out and get a job. This morning as I got dressed for my full-time job, he offered to do the wash if I left him some quarters. I said, "Wash your nicest clothes and go out and look for a job." I'm writing you from work. How do I get rid of him? He's been here for a week. I'm a little afraid of his temper. -- Nervous, Downtown
  • Change your ways on the outside if you want steady love

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm writing to you from the Women's Correctional Centre in Headingley. I've been here for awhile but am getting out this summer. The most difficult part has been this: having sex on the outside every day, or even three times a day, and then nothing. My cellmate and I can masturbate, but that's not what we want. We are in withdrawal from the real thing. Do you have any suggestions other than flirting with the guards, which lots of women do, but is a bad idea? -- Hot For the Real Thing, Headingley Dear Hot: You're getting out of jail this summer, which is just weeks away. If you want a continuous sex life with a real man, your best bet is to make serious plans to stay out of jail. The last few weeks of your sentence may seem endless, but it's a good time to put the energy from your sexual frustration into making contacts that could give you legitimate work when you get out, rather than hanging with the bad old friends you knew when you got into trouble.
  • Bombshell about planned family size frightening

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a great guy in my life, but last night he dropped a bomb. He said that when he gets married -- hopefully to me one day -- we'll have the big family he never experienced. He wants, get this, six kids! He says that's part of the reason he went into his profession: so he would have enough money for his wife to stay home with the kids. I wish he would have told me this before I fell madly in love with him. Now what? I don't want to leave him, but I'm going to have a career, too. -- Definitely Not a Big Breeder, South End Dear Definitely Not: This sounds like a man who had a cold home and a lonely upbringing. What does he really want out of this? He dreams of a full house with lots of people around him, fun and warmth. Maybe you could talk him down to three kids and some pets and nanny help. That's a noisy, busy household. Be honest that you don't want six children or to throw away your career plans, but that you would be OK with a modern "big" family of half that many. Would three suit you?
  • Enjoy being hot commodity as new bachelor in town

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I moved back to my small hometown after a marriage that defeated me on every level. I'm living with my widowed father and helping run his business while I get myself together. But my father is a talker -- he yaps to everybody -- so before I got back here, my breakup story was all over town. My wife left me for a well-known man in Winnipeg and kicked me to the curb to get him. He's a catch, financially. She's very hot-looking, not intellectual, but streetwise, with an eye for climbing the ladder. She had a blatant affair and is already living with the guy in his fancy condo.
  • Ask point-blank questions about breakfast partner

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm totally shocked. I just came home from school and found a man in the house with my almost-divorced mom. When I heard the male voice, something told me to be very quiet. I sneaked into the living room, then the dining room and peeked around into the kitchen. My mother was holding hands with a man across the kitchen table. It was like they were having a late breakfast after you-know-what. It was about 11 a.m. My mom wore her housecoat and the man had on suit pants and an unbuttoned shirt. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do, so I backed away and got out the front door again before they saw me. I know my mom has every right to have a boyfriend, but I am still shocked. I'm 16 and know exactly what just happened before I got home, and the mental pictures freak me right out. Why has she been hiding him from us kids? Is he married? How do I talk to her? I am going crazy. Please help! -- Shocked, Winnipeg
  • Holiday fling turned out not to be real thing

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I fell head-over-heels for a woman when I was on holidays recently. She was away with two of her old college girlfriends. These three American women all met guys the first night or two. I thought I was lucky to be one of them. The six of us had a great time and each woman conveniently had her own room. They said they were all divorced and/or separated with kids at home. When I got back to Winnipeg and tried to get in touch with "my" woman, none of the numbers she gave me worked. She wasn't on Facebook either. I had numbers for the other guys, so I called them. They had the same experience. My lady didn't say not to call her, and readily gave me her numbers -- bogus numbers! I thought we might have the start of something. I'm beginning to feel like a pawn in a married woman's game. What's your take? Is there anything I can do? My feelings are hurt, to be frank. I want to ask what the hell she thought they were pulling off. How can I do that? -- Used In a Game, Winnipeg
  • Mom's date with a woman raises questions

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mom looked so cute when she went out on a date last night, but it was with another woman! She explained it was an actual date, not just a friend. I have never seen her date anyone since she and my dad broke up years ago. She has been very lonely and I'm happy for her that she has met somebody, but I sure didn't expect it to be a woman. She didn't offer much information to me either. She just told me she wouldn't lie to me about anything and I should be free to ask questions. Now I'm wondering if this is why she and dad broke up. He is with another woman now and they have young children together. What should I ask my mother? How much is too much? I am 15. -- All Mixed Up, Winnipeg
  • Improv stars had Snoop Bob hip-hoppin' at gala

    NEGEV GALA RAPPER: To everyone's surprise, honoree Bob Freedman joyfully rapped and danced at the Negev Gala 2015 on Wednesday in front of a cheering audience of 1,000. He was onstage with famous improv artists Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood and some bashful-looking background dancers who'd been "volunteered."
  • Unstable boss making work unbearable

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I hate my boss so much! She is the most insecure, petty, whining woman I have ever had the misfortune to meet, but she pays 30 per cent more into the business than anyone else because she knows she's a big pain in the ass. Some days she's your best friend, and the next day she acts like you've done something wrong. And she yells! People have been here for 10 years who hate her, but they stay for the money. They're all in bad health: bad stomachs, bad headaches and killer stress all around. I have been here six months and told her I was going to quit today. She said, "You do great work and I pay you lots. Why would you want to quit? You're the best person I've got." I blew up and said, "Because you're so difficult as a boss, so emotional and demanding with up-and-down moods every day. I never know who you are going to be when I come in the door.' "
  • Fight back against ex-boyfriend's lies and betrayal

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was hurt and betrayed by my boyfriend, who knew I was a virgin and took me to his parents' cabin when there was no one there. He lied to me and said his family was going to be there. He told me he thought his parents were coming, but must have changed their minds. What a lie! He had brought all the liquor and groceries himself. I was shocked and wanted to go home right away. He then told me, in nicer terms, this message: "My way or the highway." I didn't want to have sex with him, and I couldn't walk all the way home, so I took my overnight backpack with me and walked to the store down the road. I asked the lady there if she knew how I could get home by bus. She said no, but offered me her phone. My dad drove out and got me. He was so angry! My boyfriend had already driven home because my dad checked.
  • Don't go to fertility appointment without partner

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, and we've been trying to have a kid together, but with no success. He has a kid already, but I don't. I have an appointment with a doctor next month to see what's going on, and I'm scared to find out that maybe I can't have a child. I don't know if I want to take him along to my appointment in case it's bad news. What should I do? -- Worrying About it, Winnipeg
  • Mistimed use of stick shift almost caused an accident

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Last night we were driving and my girlfriend was playing with me in a very personal way, which made it very hard to steer. In the end, we almost hit a truck. I stopped the car, yelled at her and she cried all the way home. "You don't love me if you would yell at me like that!" she said. I said, "You don't love us if you'd get us killed like that." I honestly don't know what to do. She's very immature and doesn't think of danger. -- Almost Crashed, Winnipeg
  • Horse fanatic hot to trot for rider of same sex

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Horses are my passion, so I'm riding at the stables almost every day. There's another girl in the riding world I see everywhere. Although I consider myself heterosexual, I've finally admitted to myself I have an extreme crush on her. At the last horse show I followed her everywhere -- I was mesmerized by her. I finally confided in my older sister, who is also a rider. She told me there's a special category of young female romance in the horse world, and it's just a phase I will go through. When I get tired of the horse thing, I won't think of the girl again. I don't think she's right. What do you think? -- So Confused, Winnipeg
  • Bumps in the night heard through open window

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Now that it's summertime, people are opening their windows -- and there's trouble. The night before last, I was awake half the night listening to these young lovers who were doing the bumpa-bumpa in the apartment above. I complained to the superintendent this morning and she went and talked to them. Last night the noise drifted downstairs and into my window again. At 3 a.m. -- sleepless -- I went out on my patio, sat down and propped my feet on the railing. At one point, the couple came out for air and leaned on the railing upstairs. They must have seen my feet. The girl said, "Do you think the creep who listens to us have sex is trying to listen again tonight?" Then she poured a cold drink from above which hit my toes. I heard them laughing like crazy and they went inside. What should I do? -- Can't Win For Losing, Downtown
  • That's no standup comedian, that's his wife

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife thinks she's a comedian, but her jokes stink and her timing makes me cringe. I get her to watch comedians on YouTube, but she still stinks. When she's at her best, she shamelessly copies other comedians' famous jokes by slipping in a few different names and words to make it look like the funny thing happened to her. I cringe when she starts performing for our relatives -- her favourite audience. She likes to drink and play it risqué. My grandma and aunts look like they're sucking on sour pickles. For her side of the family, the dirtier the comedy the better. That makes me uncomfortable. If I walked out of the room, she would notice and it would hurt her terribly.
  • Don't be embarrassed by odd-sized parts

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a new man and we're very close. He is wondering why I hesitate to make love with him when it's clear how passionate I become when we are together. So far we're just necking and petting over clothes. The truth is, I don't know how to tell him one of my breasts is considerably smaller than the other and one side of my bra is padded to compensate. -- Hiding My Embarrassment, St. James Dear Hiding: Tell him with gentle humour. I'm not suggesting you poke fun of yourself in a crude way, just let him know ahead of time one breast is more "outgoing" than the other. That's all. Did you know most men have different-sized testicles? Most women have one breast a little smaller than the other, ranging from part of a cup size to an entire cup size or more. Yet, I never get letters of complaint from either side about unbalanced sizes. We human beings are works of art, not cookie cutters. And your most valuable sexual parts are hidden in your head -- imagination and emotions.
  • Giving and receiving are part of lovemaking equation

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have not experienced much sex. When I do, I love to give pleasure, but when it comes to receiving pleasure, I feel I can't do that. I think it is in the brain. If so, what can I do to correct and/or adjust it? -- 50 Shades of Sexually Brain Dead, Winnipeg Dear 50 Shades: You may not have much experience, but you have the giving instincts of good lover. You want to know for sure how your lady is feeling and what she would prefer at different points in lovemaking, but that can go too far if a man refuses to be touched and loved by the woman involved.
  • Another man will enjoy breakfasts in the buff

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I cooked bacon and eggs for my new boyfriend of three weeks. He came out to the kitchen, looked at the food on the table and me in nothing but an apron, and said, "I'm not hungry." Then he left. He'd forgotten he said how hungry he was after we made love. I was so hurt! I know he likes bacon and eggs because we've been out for breakfast before. I texted him to ask why he did that and hurt my feelings. He said: "I don't need the domesticity scene." I asked why, and he said it reminded him of somebody. What the heck did that mean? -- Stunned By His Reaction, Wolseley
  • Dynamite partner exploding too soon

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm dating a woman who acts like a racehorse. She does everything twice as fast as everybody else, including arriving at her climax. She's a time bomb set to go off 2 1/2 minutes after she gets started. Then that's it -- she goes to sleep right after. I like to take my time. I'm the perfect boyfriend, but not for this nut. I love her high energy most of the time, but in bed she's like a $2 stick of fireworks. She says she got tired of guys being too quick to climax so she learned how to beat them to the punch. She says she'll never change back because she saves so much time, but here's the guy who's the exception to the rule, and she doesn't seem to care. So much for mutual climaxing and gazing into each other's eyes. -- Stay or Go? St. James
  • Wait a year before leaving husband for lover

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went to the cottage by myself last weekend, ostensibly to do some cleaning and rake the yard, but the truth is I was meeting a woman there who was my lover before I married my husband. We carried on a lengthy affair from the time we were in college until our mid-20s, doing a lot of travelling together and both maintaining "normal" lives with boyfriends. We were always soulmate partners. Our marriages were OK and we both have great teenagers, but the love has never gone away. She contacted me and we went to the cottage alone to see what would happen -- it was out of this world.
  • Wife should hear about unwanted pizza delivery

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to babysit for a couple and I always got a weird feeling from the dad. At 19 I finally got enough money to get out of the house and live with my two girlfriends, and who shows up drunk from the bar but this dad. He was "on the way home and just in the neighbourhood" and thought he'd drop in with some pizza "because college kids love pizza." I just stared at him with my hand on the door. I finally found my voice and said, "Get out. Go home to your wife and kids. I'm going to call her right now on the phone." He slurred, something like "please don't" and took off with his pizza box. I didn't call his wife, but it's still bugging me. Should I? -- Creeped Out, Winnipeg
  • Let your pretty boy fight his own battles

    DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend is so good-looking he turns heads everywhere we go. He's of movie-star quality in the looks department and has been asked to work in films and modelling, right off the street. He could care less about that -- he's a scientist. He got tired of being seen as a "pretty boy" years ago, and even got beaten up for it in school. I just wish people would stop staring at him. It's like when men stare at my breasts when they're talking to me and I have to say, "My face is up here," so I can deeply sympathize with my guy.

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