Tell Mr. Pretzel why you’re bent out of shape

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new boyfriend of three dates standing invited me over for a romantic dinner on his new deck and I went like a lamb to the slaughter. Suspiciously, there was no food laid out to cook — just a bag of pretzels. His deck was added on recently and has a patio door leading out from the bedroom. On the way to see his giant new barbecue, we had to go through his bedroom. The bed was all turned down like a hotel room, with garden flowers and champagne in a bucket. "Hmm, " I thought. "Romance in the air." Then he flipped me on the bed. Okay, I was willing to do this as a prelude, but I thought there would still be dinner. There was no barbecue. Nothing in the fridge, either. I went home mad and starving. I’m not taking his calls and texts and I won’t say anything except "You know why." He is demanding a real explanation. What should I say?

— Just Got the Pretzel, Westwood.

DEAR PRETZEL : Tell him you went home "hungry and feeling tricked. It was not a dinner invitation after all." Add something like this: "You invited me over for a barbecue and all you wanted was sex. I didn’t see any food. Was there ever meant to be a romantic dinner? I didn’t see anything except alcohol and your pretzels."

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My lesbian girlfriend is only interested in one kind of sex. She calls it romantic sex, but I call it the missionary position.

She is a wonderful human being, but she has the imagination of a gnat. My former girlfriend and I did everything imaginable and I got spoiled, I guess. This one want hearts and flowers 100 per cent of the time.

Yet you can’t match her for intellect and sweetness.

I hate to think I’m one of those women who want it rough, but yes, sometimes I like to change it up with some mild bondage and sex toys. I told her this weekend I’m bored out of my mind with our sex life. So, the first thing out of her mouth is, "So, I guess we’re breaking up then?" That freaked me out. She doesn’t want to fix anything. She just wants to hit the eject button. What should I say to her now?

— Heart Beating In Fear, Wolseley

DEAR FEAR: Maybe she’s happy being a one-trick pony, so she is not about to explore anything else. Or this fight has been a long time brewing, and she’s been ready to vamoose. (It’s interesting she thought immediately of breaking up.) Just how rude were you when you said you were bored? Did you call her a gnat, say she was boring? Perhaps she was insulted to the core. Your best bet now is to ask for a heart-toheart where you talk about emotions for each other first and then you suggest some things you’re interested in sexually, and get her reactions. She may be guessing you’re into rougher stuff than you are, and that was making her want to just forget about it.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m not officially with my ex but we agreed to be exclusive with each other. We dated previously for a year and then we broke up for a few months. We’ve been trying to work things out, but mostly we fight over the dumbest things, then quickly make up at the end of the night. I feel I care more than he does. I was always the one to ask to make plans, and to stay at his place. I’m living independently, going to school, working full time and supporting myself. He still lives at home, doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t go to school, doesn’t save, depends on Mommy to cook, and parties every weekend. Help!

— Ms.Confused, Winnipeg

DEAR MS. CONFUSED: You don’t respect this guy, but you’re chasing him down like he’s the only man in a loincloth left in the world. If you’re fighting and making up last minute, you’re probably hooked on the make-up sex at the end of the night (desperate, grateful sex). But, why would YOU want sex in his mother’s basement when you’re a grown-up now, working and living independently? Look, you can get sex without respect anywhere, so why are you chasing him? Is it loneliness, laziness, dreaming he could morph into somebody else? You can do better than this situation if you break it off for good, bond more closely with your girlfriends, and then start looking (slowly) for love with a mature guy.

Please email problems for Miss Lonelyhearts to lovecoach@hotmail.com or send letters to 1355 Mountain Ave. R2X 3B6