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Winnipeg Free Press > Opinion > Columnists > They ain't misbehavin' > All comments

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Winnipeg Free Press - ONLINE EDITION

They ain't misbehavin'

Young folks these days are living clean -- too clean

By: Doug Speirs

30/04/2009 7:50 AM | Comments: 4

AS a modern parent and crusading jour­nalist, the thing I want to know is: What the heck is wrong with young people today?

The declining morality of young people is one of those hot-button issues that we modern newspaper columnists, without doing any actual research, are contractually obligated to spend a great deal of time fretting about.

I personally did not begin to seriously fret until the other day when I picked up a copy of Maclean's magazine, the cover of which featured a disturbing photo of four sullen-looking teens under a huge headline screaming: "OMG!!!

WHAT HAPPENED TO TEENAGERS?"

A story in the maga­zine states -- get ready to begin wringing your hands and sweating profusely -- young people today have started behaving like senior citizens.

Sadly, I am not kidding here. According to a series of nationwide surveys, for the first time in ages, modern young people are drink­ing less, smoking less, and spending less time carousing, if you catch my general drift.

I'm sorry, but this is not the way it is sup­posed to be, young people. I mean, give me a break! What is the point in being a young person if you are NOT going to be immature at the same time? Seriously!

Let's think about this for a minute, young people. What's next? If this keeps up, it's only a matter of time before you are eating dinner at 4 p.m., driving Buicks, failing to notice traffic lights have turned green, complaining about your prostates and, worst of all, voting Conservative.

Is that the kind of world you want to live in, young people? Here's what I want you to do: Go up to your parents right now and ask them how they behaved when they were young.

Do you want to know what your parents will say, young people? They will say NOTHING!

This is because your parents were children of the '60s and, due to prolonged exposure to recreational drugs, they no longer remember how to tie their shoelaces, let alone what they were like when they were your age. (This also explains all those tie-dyed T-shirts and Black Sabbath albums in the back of dad's closet).

Anyway, I would not be all that upset about your lack of moral fibre, young people, if it weren't for another even more disturbing story that appeared in our paper last Satur­day.

According to this alarming story, written by my colleague Bill Redekop, the University of Manitoba is allowing law students to write exams on their laptop computers because, gasp, their modern fingers get too tired from writing by hand.

It seems many modern law students take notes on their laptops and therefore do not de­velop the same sort of rippling hand muscles for which people of my generation (the Juras­sic) were so justly famed.

At least one student's fingers reportedly cramped up while attempting to write an exam via the antiquated technique of manu­ally operating a pen. I think I speak for my entire generation, young people, when I issue the following statement of deep concern: Aw­wwwwww!

This makes no sense to me, young people.

We all know that constant video game playing has given most of you the strength necessary to turn lumps of coal into diamonds with your bare hands. For example, after hammering non-stop at a video game controller, my son now currently has thumbs the size of piano legs, which he could use, if he wanted, to crush the skulls of water buffalo.

Don't get me wrong, young people. I realize you can't hold back the hands of time, espe­cially with the tragically weak finger muscles with which you are apparently now afflicted.

But I have always believed deep in my heart that, for a young lawyer, a grip like a vise is just as important as a mind like a steel trap.

So I called the law school to discuss this troubling issue with Prof. Roland Penner, the former attorney general of Manitoba who, at the age of 84, still has a firm handshake and is still shaping young legal minds.

I asked Mr. Penner whether he was con­cerned that this new breed of lawyers will not have the sort of powerful grip required to squeeze every last nickel out of future clients. He said, and I quote him directly here: "Ha ha ha!" But he also said he's delighted modern law students are now writing exams with their computers instead of their pens.

"From the point of view of the lowly, under­paid professor having to mark papers, it's a godsend," he said, chuckling, "They were so easy to read."

So I am feeling a little better about things now, young people. So go ahead: Don't drink.

Don't smoke. Don't carouse. And tap away on your laptops until your fingers bleed.

Sure, the people who manufacture ballpoint pens will probably try to sue someone.

But they'll have a real hard time finding a lawyer.

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca

4 Commentscomment icon

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@Stream886

"For regurgitating letters to the editor from Macleans?"

Clearly, you didn't read the column. He didn't even touch on letters to the editor. He briefly mentioned a Maclean's cover feature and then built on the topic.

One of your better articles? Good Job Doug?? LOL ??? For regurgitating letters to the editor from Macleans ?

Truly hilarious. Also nice that someone in the media realizes that the world is not going down the drain, and the youth may in fact be BETTER than they were before. Good job Doug.

One of your better articles - LOL!

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