A little blue book for wedded bliss... or something close

When this happens, I normally laugh a wise and knowing laugh, look at them with an expression of fatherly concern, then sprint away as fast as I can and hide behind the grapefruits in the produce aisle.

But not anymore! No, sir, now I pull out a little blue book, look them in the eye and say: "Well, let's just see what Blanche Ebbutt has to say about that."

If you're not familiar with Blanche's work, you're in for a real treat. She's the author of two guidebooks on marriage -- Don'ts for Husbands and Don'ts for Wives -- packed with snippets of advice for achieving marital bliss.

Blanche has become my go-to guru on marriage, despite the fact that, like most of the world's greatest thinkers -- Aristotle, Pluto, Einstein, Elvis -- she is currently dead.

Her books were written in 1913 on the eve of the First World War, a time when women were treated as second-class citizens and expected to carry out all the drudgery of housework without any help from their spouses.

So nothing much has changed, but that's not the point. The point is our close friends, Cathy and Paul, recently gave me a copy of Don'ts for Husbands, which has just been reprinted. I assume it was a gag gift because I know they've seen my "World's Best Husband" coffee mug.

But clearly some of you need help, so here's a taste of Blanche's 1913 wisdom, in her own words, coupled with my helpful 2010 translations for modern husbands:

Tip No. 1 -- "Don't drop cigarette ash all over the drawing-room carpet. Some people will tell you that it improves the colours, but your wife won't care to try that recipe."

Translation -- "Really, your wife lets you smoke in the house?"

Tip No. 2 -- "Don't increase the necessary work of the house by leaving all your things lying about in different places. If you are not tidy by nature, at least be thoughtful for others."

Translation -- "Always drop your dirty underwear and socks on the floor in the same spot in front of the laundry hamper every day."

Tip No. 3 -- "Don't take it out on your poor wife every time you have a headache or a cold. It isn't her fault, and she has enough to do in nursing you, without having to put up with ill-humour into the bargain."

Translation -- "Use your Jedi mind-control powers to retrieve the remote control for the TV."

Tip No. 4 -- "Don't slouch. No one who cares for a man likes to see him acquire a slouching habit."

Translation -- "She could have married George Clooney!"

Tip No. 5 -- "Don't keep all your best jokes for your men friends. Let your wife share them."

Translation -- "Hey, honey, pull my finger!"

Tip No. 6 -- "Don't always refuse to go shopping with your wife. Of course, it's a nuisance, but sometimes she honestly wants your advice and you ought to be pleased to give it."

Translation -- "No way, honey, those pants do NOT make your butt look big!"

Tip No. 7 -- "Don't be conceited about your good looks. It is more than probable that no one but yourself is aware of them."

Translation -- "Four words, pal: Hair. Club. For. Men."

Tip No. 8 -- "Don't hang about the house all day if your occupation does not take you abroad. Spend regular hours in your study or 'den,' or go out and play golf; but don't inflict your company on your wife during every minute of every day."

Translation -- "It would have been GREAT to live in 1913."

Tip No. 9 -- "Don't be surprised, or annoyed, or disappointed, to find, after treating your wife for years as a feather-brain, that you have made her one, and that she fails to rise to the occasion when you need her help."

Translation -- "Make your wife do your tax return."

Tip No. 10 -- "Don't ever tell your wife a lie about anything. If she once finds you out in a lie, she will not believe you when you do speak the truth."

Translation -- "Don't look at me. It was the dog."

Tip No. 11 -- "Don't imagine your wife never wants to see any other man than you. However nice she thinks you, it is possible to have too much of a good thing."

Translation -- "No wonder your kids look like the postman."

Blanche has more insights to offer but we're out of space. I hope these tips help you and your wife get along a little better.

Your marriage may not last 50 years, but it'll sure feel like it.

doug.speirs @freepress.mb.ca

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition March 3, 2010 A2